Tiger By My Side
by Introjection
Summary: Commander Shepard isn't one to be confused. However, after the events on the remote colony of Horizon, she has no choice but to accept the things she does not want to face, and have the courage to start life anew. Pairing: F!Shep x Joker
1. Chapter 1  Crescendo

_" bones sinking like stones_

_all that we fought for_

_homes, places we've grown_

_all of us are done for._

_and we live in a beautiful world,_

_yeah we do yeah we do._

_we live in a beautiful world. "_

_- Coldplay - "Don't Panic"_

The explosion rocked the ground out from beneath her feet. Or, it would have had she not already leapt loosing a terrible cry in a desperate bid to clear herself from the blast. The shockwave ripped up from the impact and smashed into her. A hot wind punched her back and lifted her like a crazed dragon bursting free from the ground with crushing force, the sound of glass shattering all around her.

_ Shit_, her mind barked. _Shields failed!_

With a sickening '_whomp_,' Shepard hit the dirt and felt the dull sensation of flesh ripping. Blood and soil invaded her mouth. Laying on the ground coughing out filth, she grit her teeth as she waited for the pain to hit. As the wave of sharp white noise washed over her she gave it no resistance, allowing it to burn itself out before staggering to her feet. Her sleek black and green armour caked in muck she thrust her shoulders forward into a dogged run for the shuttle.

Shepard saw him, the stony figure of Grunt holding open the door, his jaws open in a roar. The sound was so slow to her speeding senses that it was no more than a heavy reverberation, drowned out still further by the sudden and impregnable thunder of the next detonation. As she ran, time slowed to a near standstill. Shepard could see every detail as the firelight vomited flickering orange on every reflective surface. Her nerves were jangling from the adrenaline overload as she made it to the door and hauled herself in.

"Sorry I'm late," she said, flashing a roguish smile at her companions and ignoring the pain in her torn cheek. "Traffic was a bitch!"

Rolling into her seat, she closed her eyes as the thrusters roared to life and the shuttle began its hasty ascent out of the atmosphere. The mercenaries' base - or what was left of it - was now a fresh steaming shithole on the scarred face of the planet and Shepard was only too happy to have been its cause. Her insides felt as though they were squirming and spreading apart inside her as the shuttle broke free of gravity and began to align itself for the approach to the Normandy. _He was never a second too late_, she thought of its pilot, with gratefulness and relief. Grinding sounds and jostling heralded their arrival. She looked with a cool gleam in her eye from Grunt's expression of eager approval to Garrus' many thick scars. The grey turian lowered his head, tapped the butt of his assault rifle loudly, and flared his mandibles briefly in a toothy grin. The translator ignored the series of quiet, untranslatable clicks he gave as proud indication of a job well done, and Shepard cracked a grin in return.

Commander Shepard of the Normandy brushed the dust out of her closely-shaven hair as she made her way through the airlock, smudges of mud still clinging to her pale skin.

"Hey, would you look at what the cat dragged in," came a voice from the cockpit. The pilot's chair spun to face her. "Welcome back, Commander. And entourage," he said, airily touching the brim of his ballcap in the direction of Grunt and Garrus. "Judging from the explosions, I'll say it must've been a delightful little tea party down there," Joker said, crossing his arms. She rolled her eyes, green as her armour, and did her best to humour him.

"Simply precious. Nude asari in tophats and all," she muttered, unable to disguise her smile.

"_What_? And you didn't get me _any_ souvenirs?" He mock gasped, watching her turn to go.

"You can have my face bandage when I'm done with it if you like," Shepard called over her shoulder, halfway down the hall on the way to the elevator.

/

Shepard stared at herself in the mirror, suppressing a grunt of pain as she removed small bits of stone embedded in her cheek, listening them clatter into the sink one by one. She could have gone down and had Mordin or Chakwas do it, but there was something about patching herself up that was more satisfying. Gently wiping the abrasion with antiseptic, she placed a small square of gauze over it, sealed it with medical tape and had done with it. That strange noise from the terminal outside the bathroom chimed, and Shepard sighed. Never once did she have any illusions that command allowed for laziness, but sometimes she really just wished for a chance to breathe.

"Yeah, EDI?" She shouted at the little representation of the AI, its holographic sphere blipping.

"Mr Taylor wishes to speak with you," the AI's smooth voice explained. Shepard sighed. What run-and-fetch errand was she about to be asked to do now? She'd never say no, of course. She knew solidly that her team needed to be focussed on what they were doing. Her crew needed to have their loose ends tied off, and who else were they going to ask? She clasped the front of her officer's overcoat shut with the heavy thought that this wasn't the only reason she was feeling trepidation about whatever this was.

The simple fact was, Jacob Taylor _unsettled_ her. He always had, right from the moment she had met him. Sirens blaring, mechs flying, on the first night of her rebirth. She appreciated Taylor for his talents, his professional demeanour, and cool civility, but she just couldn't put her finger on what it was that made her recoil. She pondered this on her way down the elevator, one finger idly pressed to her chin. As soon as the doors opened, she fixed her features into an eagle-eyed look of authority. Shepard was a small woman but had a decidedly large presence, as if a lioness had prowled into the room. She flowed in and took up residence leaning against the table behind Jacob.

"Something I can help you with?" she asked.

Taylor was never startled by noise. He turned to face the woman he towered above and the set of his jaw put Shepard on edge. She did not like how he was so much taller, and more than that she did not like the way that he had shut down when she had asked a simple question of him in an attempt to get to know him better. She had dropped the question immediately as he had asked her to but she never forgotten that incident. Nobody else on the ship had a problem with her jovial curiosity and even Miranda had loosened up, accepting Shepard as a benevolent being. The fact that Taylor liked to keep himself to himself was not a problem, it was the standoffish way in which he had rebuffed her curiosity. She got the distinct feeling that he had something to hide, an attribute she felt no one else on the crew shared with him.

"Commander, I received news not too long ago about the Hugo Gernsback, the ship my father served on," Taylor formed the words slowly, carefully, as if his mind was preoccupied with another task. Shepard merely adjusted her posture, paying rapt attention. "That ship has been missing for ten years, Commander. I'll say that it's not standard procedure for SOS calls to be routed to me personally. This came direct from the source, and I was hoping you might be able to help me close the book on the issue, Commander," Taylor explained stiffly.

"I thought you'd be a little more enthusiastic to hear your father may be alive," She stated, acutely aware of his eyes fixated on her. Jacob was a man built from black brick. Something he clearly took pride in was the fact that his body was a weapon, and although Shepard admired it for its capabilities in combat, something about his stature made her queasy.

"My father was never really around for me growing up," the man explained, his pacing a little more urgent. Shepard resisted the instinctual urge to cock her eyebrow. The wall of Taylor was embellishing on a remark of hers? _No matter_, she dismissed as he continued. "Those are old wounds, but doubtless, I would appreciate if we could check this out, Commander. I do understand it's a lot to ask." Taylor finally averted his gaze from her and stared at the orange glow of his monitor. With a tic of annoyance, Shepard took this as an invitation to accept or decline, then leave.

"I think we can spare the time for you, Jacob," she responded with courtesy, "send Joker the coordinates and we'll head there."

"Thank you, Commander. I appreciate this," he nodded curtly, and turned on his heel to attend to his work.

A discoloured memory floated into Shepard's brain. Something hit her like a bucket of ice water and she turned away. The way Taylor had appeared as if broken from a deep concentration, the odd flicker of biotic static leaping from his shoulder, indeed, even the position Jacob held reminded her of someone. Someone very near and very dear, who not three weeks ago had broken her heart in front of Garrus and Grunt. Had her disguised loathing for Jacob simply grown more intense since then? Shepard could not say with honest certainty. Jacob was not Kaidan, and for that very fact, Shepard had disliked him. Recently, she had found more things to reject about him. She knew it was unfair, but nevertheless continued to find new and exciting ways to justify her distrust.

She sighed under her breath as she left the Armoury, heading for the Combat Information Centre directly in the heart of the Normandy. Shepard ran a hand through her buzzed hair and considered. Perhaps this intense dislike for Taylor _was _largely unwarranted. He had affronted her in his own way and had made her suspicious, but perhaps she was rejecting Kaidan's anger by rejecting the closest thing to him she could find? Her former Staff Lieutenant declaring her to be a traitor had been the hardest thing she'd ever had to hear, in her military career or otherwise. With suppressed irritation, Shepard recalled how stupid she had acted on Horizon. The honey coloured light shining through the trees, the broken remnants of a new world all around them, the fumbling words that had come out of her mouth. The memory stung. It stung her so much that she immediately headed towards the Galactic Map to confirm the coordinates Joker had inevitably received by now.

"Commander," the cheerful voice of her yeoman greeted Shepard. Kelly was on her way to the elevator. Shepard raised her head and returned the greeting. Kelly's normally fresh face looked disconcerted.

"What is it, Kelly?" Shepard asked. The strawberry blonde girl blinked her doe-like eyes. In an odd sense, she appreciated that Kelly had asked for Shepard to refer to her on first name basis. It made her feel a little more human.

"Well, it's... Joker. He's _still_ on the bridge, Commander. It's been several hours now since his shift ended." The young woman looked vexed. Shepard did get the distinct impression that she alone was the only one whose orders Joker really gave a damn about.

"Send someone to relieve him, Kelly, please," was Shepard's patient response.

"Aye aye, Commander," she acknowledged, and returned to her station to tap on a keyboard as Shepard stepped up to the enormous holographic display of the galaxy.

It never ceased to be a wonder to her, flicking her finger through miniature representations of billions upon billions of lightyears of open space. Effortlessly and with purpose, Shepard flew through the motions to confirm the path Joker already had planned. _Damned efficient, he is_. Shepard unwittingly smiled to herself. Joker was a lot of things. Surly, foul-mouthed, and hermitish, but she had always had an unspoken understanding with him. She was, in her heart of hearts, a cynic just as he was and they had developed a kind of rapport surrounding the absurdities of their situation. Her task complete, she reached up and straightened the high collar of her jacket, looking up over the display towards the cockpit. He'd shown no signs of moving. Shepard shook her head as she headed up towards it. Doubtless he had received the request, and doubtless he had refused it. It was late, again, and she was still awake. Again. Something else they shared in common.

/

Joker monitored the fluctuations in temperature across the ship, less attentive now than he would have been some hours earlier. The deathly silence of late night Normandy watch was almost soothing. During the day there was no peace. Always intrusions. People came bustling around the cockpit for reasons he couldn't fathom. They weren't flying the damn ship, _he_ was, so why did _they_ need to be up _here_? If EDI wasn't nattering in his ear about something or other and if he wasn't occupied in making its task of monitoring him as difficult as possible, there were maintenance reports to be tweaked. Joker became aware of light footsteps and turned his head to see. _Ah_. He wiped the scowl off his face. There were _some_ intrusions he never minded.

"Commander?" Joker inquired, surprised at her presence. _Wait, this didn't have anything to do with the shift change, did-_

"Cockpit's closed, Joker," Shepard said, cocking her hip like she always did when she addressed him. "Relieve your shift to your replacement. Now." Her tone suggested that she meant business. She turned to go. Joker bit his tongue. He knew better than to challenge Shepard. As if sensing his unspoken response, she turned her head as she left, saying, "I don't care how _not tired _you are, go."

As if in defeat, he pressed a few buttons to call up his relief and dragged himself out of the chair, steadying himself before proceeding in his odd gait towards the elevator. Joker walked with a limp and this was another reason that he preferred to slink away when few others were around to see. It bothered him that Shepard had only departed a moment ago and yet he couldn't hope to catch up. With some irritation he summoned the elevator and waited for it to take him to the Mess. As the doors closed, he knew that Shepard had been right. He was hungry. There would be something for him to eat.

Joker shambled his way to the tables and noticed Shepard poking about in the cupboards. She barely glanced at him, instead she smiled and gestured to a tray laid out on a table. A sandwich of some description lay on a plate. Looked as if there was breaded chicken with it too and some cans sat to the side of the tray. _Shepard_. She was an angel. She was wonderful. She was-

"If it isn't beer, I don't want it," he grumbled, peering at the tray as he drew nearer. Shepard's face fell.

"It's battery acid. Of course it's beer, what else would it be? Drink it, you ingrate," she said, attentions busy on preparing her own meal. After a moment she sat at the same table, a bowl of noodles in her hand and a can of her own.

"Beer and _noodles_?" Joker asked sceptically, taking a bite of the proffered sandwich.

"Beer and a _vorcha sandwich_?" Shepard mirrored, without missing a beat. He lifted the top piece of bread suspiciously, only to find some inoffensive sandwich meat of decidedly non-dubious origin. He grinned, asked her about the bandage on her face, and drank his beer.

"Why do you stay up so late?" Shepard asked, slurring only slightly and leaving the dregs of her third can.

"Why do you wanna save the galaxy?" Joker answered her question with a question of his own as he neatly polished off his fourth. Shepard paused. She was a cheap drunk and she knew it.

"I like existing, generally," she responded, the thoughts slow in coming to her mouth.

"And I like flying." Joker shrugged, a little addled himself.

Shepard frowned, looking at the remains of what she had brought down. No more beer, and her noodles were gone.

"Hey," she said, getting his attention. "You should really make sure you get enough sleep. You know?"

"You should bring less giant krogan babies on board and more asari," he nodded as he leaned on his elbows, lifting the brim of his cap.

Shepard smiled. "Really, though." She blinked at him and fished around in her empty noodle carton with her fork.

"What, I'm serious, too." He laughed, holding his can up to him as if he were going to try and get whatever last drops there were in it.

"Yeah, but really," Shepard said quietly, "you regularly stay up there for fifteen, sixteen hours at a time. How you gonna stay sharp?" The commander leaned forward on her elbows innocuously. That's when it happened. Their gazes met, and maybe it was the beer talking, but Joker could have sworn he saw a glimmer of something other than just professional concern in those large spaces. He didn't know what it was, but he took his time to look.

"... You've got nice eyes, Shepard," Joker muttered, matter of factly. The words were out of his mouth before they were even out of his head. _Wait, wait. Wait. Fuck, that was out loud? _Joker fumbled the can in his hands, putting it down on the table sharply. He cleared his throat.

"I, ah," Shepard began, clearly struggling for words. "I have guns to clean. I'll see you tomorrow?" It was not a question to which an answer was expected as she got up from the table, and suddenly whatever it was he had glimpsed in her - around her? He didn't know - but it was gone and rapidly covered over by that presence that made krogan bow to her as brothers, and geth fall at her feet.

_ Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck._


	2. Chapter 2  Nightmares

_"Standing on the shore_

_Waiting for the ship in call_

_There's something in the way I move_

_That keeps them on their own_

_A star explodes a storm_

_A billion seasons born_

_A shock to the waves I know_

_Breaking far from shore"_

_- Empire of the Sun - "Standing on the Shore"_

_What _was_ that_? Joker asked himself as he stared at the wall's dull sheen across from his bunk, brow furrowed. '_You have nice eyes!' Seriously! _He lay on his back, raging at himself, the snoring of crewmates, for once, only a secondary cause in keeping him awake. He wasn't used to blurting things out, and the fact that he'd done so irked him. Joker's relentless sarcasm was a product of his quick mind and ruthless mental censor rather than just raw wit, and he was proud of the fact that he pushed other people's buttons only as much as he felt they needed to be. This, however, was different, and the ornery pilot didn't like things that were different. He fiddled with a bar behind his head, idly thumbing the smooth surface of the brushed steel as he convinced himself that this wasn't a big deal. Shepard had far bigger fish to fry and probably wouldn't even remember that he'd said it. What the hell _was_ that, though, that look? He'd only had a couple of beers, he had had enough presence of mind to know for certain that something was definitely there. He thought back, reliving the way her green eyes had ensnared him. It was as if a shell had fallen away, although whether it was her shell or his, he couldn't say. He thought he must have looked like quite an asshole when he'd slammed the can down on the table. _Shit, it was only a few seconds or something, anyway_, he thought as he tossed and turned, before finally settling down and pressing his back to the wall.

_Joker blearily opened his eyes to find himself staring into the diagnostic panel of the sleek prototype Alliance vessel, the Normandy SR1_. _The despondent monotone of the general alarm screamed into the cockpit, and notices regarding pressurization loss, gravity, and descent vectors flashed under his hands. Like a machine, he dutifully ignored the screams of the crew, and focussed on avoiding the next attack that he instinctively knew was coming. For a brief second, he felt as if he had been here before as he slammed the release, unsheathing the escape pod hatches, initiating their drive cores. There was no time to look behind him as he maintained endless course corrections, screaming at the ship to hold itself together, to keep going. He could save them, he knew it as surely as he'd known he needed to breathe air to live._

_ She wasn't responding. He was feeling the Normandy die even under his fingers, but he knew all she needed to do was lift her nose another few degrees and the shielding could protect the wreck through re-entry and stabilise the angle for minimal impact. A small display showed nearly all the pods had streaked off into space, and the sensors bleeped obnoxiously that the enemy was bearing down. _I know, I know!_ A hand appeared on the corner of his chair, and the feeling that he had been here before returned, sharply. As it did so, Joker suddenly became aware that the hand belonged to Shepard. Breathlessly, he turned to her, protesting. He could save the ship, he knew it. Knew it. His eyes burned into hers behind the clear steel of her visor, and suddenly the delusion fell away. He couldn't save the Normandy. He couldn't save these people. It was too late, and Shepard had come back for him. She had come back to save his ass. He understood. With Shepard's eyes still piercing through his own, he felt her grab his arm, and it seemed as if time had stopped around them. She thrust her weight under his, clearly running on pure adrenaline as she lifted him clear of the seat and staggered forward. It took him a second or two to realise that the sound had all gone. No alarms, no hum of the biotic field sealing the cockpit from the vacuum of space. _

_ Joker startled as he realised that the only sound he could hear was his own hoarse breathing, loud in the breather mask. Silhouetted fragments of the ship that had been the focus of his life for so long were spinning before his eyes, and the pilot looked at them as if they were each lost pieces of his own body, even as Shepard laboured so hard to get them both to their escape. _

_ They had made it to the open hatch of the cockpit's pod, and she had shoved him in first, firmly but also with restraint. He didn't know what knocked her off balance as she tried to climb in, he had figured she'd been right on his tail and was busy clipping together his seat's harness. The gargantuan beam of light that stabbed down between them sealed her route off and sent her spinning. Joker looked up to see Shepard floating in the air, mere feet from him. A sick choke caught in his throat as he wrested himself free from the harness, and reached out in vain, straining to get to the door. If he could get there in time, he could still pull her back. _

_ "Shepard!" he screamed._ _The sound was long and loud in his ears although he knew no one could hear him. _

_. Then, it occurred to him. She was in free space now, only a metre or two away and she might as well already be dead. If he leapt out, now, to grab her, there was nothing beyond her to stabilise himself and push them back. The pod's door slammed shut even as he threw himself against it in a senseless, stupid, suicidal bid to try and bring her back. __Her green eyes locked with his as she struggled against the uncaring, lazy spin of frictionless space. The austere expression with which he was familiar had given way to that of someone who knew they were about to die. Her had was extended towards him. The sight left him feeling punched in the gut and about to throw up._ _There was a feeling of suction as the pod fired from the chamber, and he found himself staring at Shepard's shape, spinning, receding horrifically fast down towards the planet. The only thing Joker could do was scream after her in a frenzy, his palms pressed helplessly against the window._

_ "I tried! I tried! I tried!"_

Joker's eyes snapped open in the darkness, catching himself in the middle of making an anguished sound. His body was covered in an icy sweat. Screw sleeping. When he dreamed, it was the always the same one, and it was never any different. Every time, he never realised he was too late. Too late to save the ship, too late to rescue his rescuer. He clapped his hands to his face and sighed, rubbing his forehead. He became acutely aware of the feeling that he was being watched, and moved his little finger to look. Kelly Chambers was in the bunk across from him, her big, owlish eyes on him.

"What?" Joker rasped, keeping his voice low.

"Same dream again?" Chambers whispered across at him. She was too cheerful and concerned all the time, her voice too soothing, and Joker didn't like it. She seemed to _love_ everybody too much, especially Shepard, and it made him uncomfortable that whenever she wasn't fawning over the commander, she was clucking over him.

"None of your business," was his uninspired retort, and he rolled over pointedly, his back to her.

"You should talk about it," she whispered. He should've known his response wasn't enough to shut her up.

"No," he insisted, too tired to find some quip he could throw at her. He assured himself that he could find one if he thought about it.

"Not to me," Chambers rolled her eyes, unseen by the pilot. "To her. To Shepard," she replied as she wrapped her blankets around herself tighter. She turned her back to him, too, knowing it would provoke some kind of sour response.

"What makes you think it has anything to do with Shepard?" Joker hissed, careful to keep the volume down. "Maybe I'm dreaming about my girlfriend or something," he had half rolled onto his back to direct the words at Chambers, trying to throw her off the trail and get her to stop asking questions. She merely snorted in response, and his teeth clenched in irritation. _Yeah, yeah, come on, out with the bit about how I couldn't have a girlfriend because I'm a cripple and couldn't fuck her. Well, what do _you_ know about it, _he raged, his hand clasping his thigh just above one of the many implants their employer had given him, to strengthen the brittle bones in his legs.

"You talk in your sleep, Joker. I can hear you," Chambers said, softly.

He had no respose to this, and settled on grumbling curse-filled nonsense instead as he closed his eyes again, hoping this time he wouldn't dream. The image of Shepard as she had appeared in the cockpit of the failing ship was burned into his head, and the thought that even though she was alive today, it was no thanks to him, and that left him feeling bitter. The scene slowly replayed itself. _Buttons, light, noise, Shepard grabbed his arm_. Joker opened his eyes. _There. Right there_. That something he had seen in her, it was there, unmistakable, burning with an intensity that would have put the fires that raged around them to shame. It was there when she had fought through flames and nightmares to get to him, it was there when she had reached out towards him when she had fallen away from the pod, and it was there when she had set aside some time to delicately tell him that she gave a shit. _Jeff, you're thinking way too hard about this, _his mental censor tried to chastise before he got carried away, but he was already smirking quietly to himself.

The planet the derelict ship lay upon had been nothing but a nightmare, thinly wrapped in a coating of paradisian beauty. Like the colossal body of a beached whale, its bones jutted up to the sky, and stains that looked like faded blood surrounded its gaping wounds against a backdrop of flapping palm tree leaves. The heat of the place had been seductive, almost, and Shepard had looked on the beach with a longing that was quickly dismissed as the realities of the place had come to bear. The flora and fauna were incompatible with humans, over time causing marked mental degeneration, something that the crew of the fallen Hugo Gernsback had come to suffer. Taylor's father had played some kind of sick game with the crew over the years, hoarding the safe food stores for himself and the other male officers, and fashioning himself as some kind of god-king. The worst were the audio logs, explaining how the officers had repeatedly raped the female crewmembers after having lost so much cognition that they were incapable of refusal. The glassy look in their eyes had reminded Shepard of a dead sheep she had seen once on her grandfather's farm, and it disturbed her to the core. The game had continued until Taylor's father for some reason had denied even the other officers the safe foodstores, and had had them murdered or exiled, one by one. Feral groups of deluded people had prowled the island, and Shepard was relieved to be off it, white sand and sunshine be damned.

The Alliance had been notified and would be moving in. Matters were closed for the Hugo Gernsback, and Commander Shepard was done for the day. Cheerfully, she instructed Joker to not even give the Alliance their tail-lights. Working with Cerberus was not something she was proud of, but it had given her a new life, a new ship, and old friends. She did not need the Alliance pestering her about whatever they would inevitably pester her about, and she mulled this over as she dug her finger into a dent in her chestplate, passing through the airlock door. There had been relatively little gunfire this time, but the bastards had had mechs, and mechs were never fun to deal with. Grunt came through after her, smashing his fist to his palm.

"Good fight, Shepard!" Bellowed the krogan, his wide lizard mouth open in an enthusiastic grin. Grunt had gained his first scar, a vicious slash from a varren's teeth, and it never ceased to amuse her how the krogan was always checking on its progress. He did so now even as he walked, peering at his pebbly hide, marvelling at the way the skin was healing to leave a smooth, jagged line across his bicep. Shepard smiled and shook her head as she watched him and Garrus walk on.

She turned her head towards the cockpit and stood in the hall, a few metres away fom the back of the chair. It was something of a ritual for her to say 'hello' to the pilot every time he pulled her out of one scrape or another, but he had always greeted her first. There had been no greeting this time, and she raised her eyebrow. Joker was always quick to remind her of how great he was at pulling off the aeronautically impossible. A previously forgotten detail crossed her mind, and she smiled. Perhaps this was about the comment made the other night. Shepard had certainly been caught off guard by the sudden compliment, but had also found returning the sentiment curiously close to the tip of her tongue. Perhaps he thought she was angry with him?

"I assume everything is going well up here?" Shepard asked, her tone as non-threatening as possible. Stepping in, she relaxed as she heard the small whine of the chair turning around.

"Your armour looks like Grunt's been chewing on it," he said, eyeing the silver holes all over one side of her grass green chestplate. She smiled and looked down, seeing that the scratches and dents where the bullets had flattened and ricocheted off the metal did indeed look a little like tooth marks. "Not exactly a stabilising element, is he, Commander?" Joker added.

"This mission requires a little unpredictability, I think," she answered, looking back at the way the young krogan had gone just a moment before, before turning back to the helmsman, her arms folded. "Besides, you and I are not exactly _stabilising elements_ ourselves, are we?"

"What do you mean?" Joker asked, distracted by a window that appeared on his display. Shepard dealt with a crick in her neck, rubbing the sore spot idly.

"The best pilot in the galaxy, whose favourite pastime it is to make impossibly close shuttle drops and destroy Reapers, and the first human Spectre, for whom Hell wasn't hot enough. Had to come back for more," she said with a shrug and a lopsided smile. "Sounds like a pair of _entirely_ stable individuals to me!"

"Damn, Shepard. If you'd like, I can turn all mother hen instead. Reckon we can hide from the Collectors while they ransack the galaxy?" Joker asked as he brought up a navigational display. "So where to now, Commander?"

"Ilium," she said, and beamed at him. "We've another unstable individual to acquire. I'll talk to you later," she said, and left the cockpit, heading to the elevator.

"Commander, Miranda would like to speak with you," Kelly's voice caught the commander's attention. Shepard delicately cleared her throat to disguise the exasperation she felt.

"Did she say what it was regarding, Kelly?" Shepard's voice was all grace.

"No, she didn't say, Commander," Kelly's reply was entirely expected.

"Right. If you would tell her I'll be heading to her office now, please," she ordered, and stepped into the elevator.

"Aye aye, Commander," Chambers said, and the doors closed on the Combat deck.


	3. Chapter 3 Faster

_"You hid there last time, you know we're gonna find you_

_Sick in the car, sick 'cause you're not up to going_

_Out on the main streets, completing your mission"_

_- Two Door Cinema Club - "Undercover Martyn"_

Miranda Lawson. Even the name seemed carefully tailored. Miranda had been grown in a vat by her megalomaniacal father, her genes carefully packaged together to give her the best possible biological advantage in life that money could buy. She never hesitated to dwell on the fact that she had been created, or mention her abilities. The fact that Miranda was unable to see past that frustrated the commander. Some aspects of her personality frustrated Shepard, like how Miranda seemed to be so opposed to her father's control, yet was so domineering herself. She wanted to implant a chip in Shepard's brain whilst Cerberus had been rebuilding her. The tall, dark-haired woman had told her so herself.

_At least she's honest,_ Shepard thought. She was on her way to her quarters, having left Miranda and her endless reports behind.

"Commander?" Joker's voice came over the intercom. Shepard let her forehead drop against the door. Her quarters were on their own level of the ship, and there was no one around to see her when she was trying to relax. She silently thanked whomever had made that decision.

"I'm here, Joker. What do you need?" Shepard's voice was strong and crisp as usual, though her eyes were closed and her slim shoulders drooped.

"Just wanted to let you know we'll be entering orbit at oh-eight-forty-five," he said over the localised intercom.

"Thank you," she said, still leaning on the door. She heard him hesitate.

"You, ah, you're not sick or anything, are you? You want me to send up Dr Chakwas?"

"What?" Shepard straightened up suddenly, looking around. _Of course. There are security cameras up here, too. Why wouldn't there be?_ "No, I'm fine. Just tired," she insisted,

"Yep," he said.

"And... Joker," Shepard inquired.

"Yep, Commander?"

"Thanks," she said, blinking and furrowing her brow slightly. The word came out a little stiffly. It was unusual for someone to express personal concern, especially not someone like Joker.

"Yep," he said again, and Shepard heard the soft click of his mic being turned off. The pervasive attitude around the ship was that because Shepard was the commander, she was impervious to the stresses of command. It was nice to see that they didn't all feel that way.

Shepard started to head towards her bed, pausing in front of the desk, sighing heavily. She couldn't resist walking over to the picture frame she knew was there. It flickered to life as she approached and pulled up a chair. Kaidan had always been there for her. As she looked at the picture of him, her former Staff Lieutenant ad lover, she found she didn't know quite how to feel. She remembered their first attempt at a kiss. Two years in the past for everyone else, but the memory - only three months ago for Shepard - was so vivid that it made her heart began to race. Kaidan had pulled her so close that she could feel his heart beating against her. The moment had been almost perfect. Her eyes stung, an emotion that she quickly bottled. She wished he was with her now, or that she had _someone_ to reassure her all would be okay. She knew she didn't really care if the words were true; just that they were said.

She smiled softly, shaking her head recalling how, the moment had been ruined by Joker's untimely call. The bastard had probably been watching the whole time. Her brow wrinkled at the thought of him. _Joker_. Now _he_ was an anomaly. A bitter little ball of venom with something to prove. He was so completely different from Kaidan in just about every way. Where Kaidan was gentle, tolerant, and patient, Joker was scruffy, cynical, and spiny. The pilot had always had an acidic way with words, but she had long ago gotten the impression that he pulled his verbal punches for her,. This had nothing to do with her rank, she was sure. She had seen Joker mouthing off to anyone and everyone sentient enough to understand him. The pilot was gruff, but nonetheless, something about him had always captured her attention. He made her laugh, and she connected with him. It calmed her that he was around. _And he __is__ around_, Shepard thought. _A hell of a lot more than I can say for Kaidan_.

Another, more recent memory came to the surface as she continued to gaze at the picture, and her expression tightened as she recalled the shattered remnants of the human colony on Horizon. She'd been surprised when Kaidan had stepped out from the shadows, much like a panther, his gait confident and sure. He'd paused only for a moment, brown eyes running over her before taking her in his arms. She'd felt the flow of biotic energy while in his embrace and had begun to feel like everything might just work out. She had felt such an incredible relief at seeing him. Her lip curled with anger, born of disappointment at the memory. She remembered thinking,

'_Kaidan is here, now. He will come with me, and we will find out who did this, together,_'. Then he had pulled away, and the bullshit had begun. Assumptions and accusations flew, and the word 'loved' had been used. At the time she'd felt as if he had smacked her across the face, and she found herself feeling the same way now.

Shepard pushed away from the desk in disgust, rejecting her own reaction.

"What the fuck is the point?"she asked aloud. She prepared for sleep in silence, getting into bed and pulling the covers over her head with a scowl. She closed her eyes tightly, hating the feeling of being in a double bed alone. The empty spot next to her was cold when it could have – _should have_ – been filled with Kaidan's warmth. Shepard fell asleep, consumed with anger. When she awoke in the morning, she did not look at the picture on her desk as she stepped out the door.

The chase had led Shepard, Grunt, and Garrus to head up a brand new skyscraper, level by level. It was the newest of several towers built in the name of Nassana Dantius, an asari diplomat, and much of the building was still under construction. The dossier that the Illusive Man had given her was surprisingly vague, and Shepard had finally tracked her target down based upon a rumour that the man was already on a job, here. The assassin's name was Thane, and Shepard was beginning to believe that recruiting him might almost be more trouble than he was worth, as she huddled behind a stray crate and waited for elevator doors to open.

The tower was teeming with Eclipse mercenaries, easily identifiable by their typical brass and black armour. They chattered amongst themselves in feverish conversation as they worked to deploy mechs over each level of the tower, infesting it like maggots. Shepard's tiny unit of three had already sent so many of the mercs to the afterlife that night that she had lost count early on. Shepard, cool as ice, gritted her teeth as she reloaded her sniper rifle. Their persistent gunfire was beginning to irritate her.

"I get a feeling this one's not coming down empty," said Garrus, motioning toward the elevator at the far side of the room. She gestured to her team with looks and hand signals. Garrus called for the elevator, and Shepard leapt behind a large metal container on the floor. Grunt lowered his scaled head and thundered across the floor to take cover on the left. Garrus had already assumed the right.

True to Garrus' instincts, Shepard heard voices getting louder. The elevator was not empty. Doors slid open, exposing a well-armed krogan and several Eclipse lackeys. Shepard inhaled deeply, closing her eyes and summoning the courage she needed to fly up from behind the crate, one steely eye to the scope. Her blood pounded with the familiar, curious feeling of pleasure she associated with picking a target. She was a master when it came to shots that required speed and accuracy in equal portions. Ever since she enlisted with the Alliance and blazed through Basic Training, she had come out at the top of her class with the rifle. If there was a god of time, Shepard felt that it always stood behind her whenever she brought up the business end of the M29 Incisor. With a squeeze of her finger, the asari mercenary that she had singled out dropped silently, her head exploding in a shower of crimson blood and blue flesh. Less than a second later, another body crumpled, convulsing, to the floor, dead before she'd hit the ground.

She had to snap below cover again to reload, using this time to calm her nerves. As the hot clip fell out of her weapon and clattered on the smooth floor, she glanced sideways to see her companions pumping the krogan full of fire and lead. The hulking mercenary expired gracelessly, crashing to the floor with a final groan. Shepard moved toward the elevator, her gaze flicking to Grunt momentarily. She wondered how he felt about ruthlessly destroying members of his own dying race, but hadn't figured out how to ask him quite yet. Slapping the 'up' button, she shoved those thoughts out of her mind for now.

They stepped out onto the roof, and she paused to scan her surroundings, methodically assessing it for cover. As she walked, cat-like, around the corner, Shepard saw the bridge. A blast of unforgiving wind ripped at her body. Although though her suit protected her from the cold, the wind was still strong enough to interfere with her aim. The salarian workers she'd found earlier hadn't been kidding. This was aerial _hell_.

The tactical advantage was not in their favour. Another building rose above the bridge, and she could make out two turrets inside the walls, one on either side, facing in their direction. Shepard crept up to one of the pillars standing before the bridge and snatched a glance out across it. She caught herself looking down, impossibly far down, and immediately slammed her back to the pillar, her eyes shut. She'd never liked heights, not unless she was safely tucked in something with engines and viewports.

_Fuck,_ her mind cried, _that is a long way down._ She opened them and her eyes met with Garrus, who lowered his crested head, tilting it to one side in a gesture she knew to be asking for confirmation. With a curt nod, Shepard gave the signal to lean out of cover and open fire.

Shepard popped heads one after another, her breathing steady and deep, her concentration untarnished by the bullets, ricocheting off the metal and concrete, or her companions' cries of pain and victory. Finally the bridge itself was clear, and Shepard could risk a mad dash to a better vantage point. Her goal now was to take out the turrets. Every few seconds they launched a heavy explosive that kicked her cochlear dampener into overdrive, temporarily deafening her to protect her keen sense of hearing.

She braced herself against the wall for a moment before launching into a run, aware that she was in the open and being targeted by the missiles. As the automated turret on the right of the building launched a projectile, aimed a few feet ahead of her, she realised with horror that she had misjudged the distance of her intended cover, and slid to a stop. The blast knocked her back, and she would have been fine, had it not been for the wind. Off balance and vulnerable, the powerful gust sent her toppling. Shepard spun madly, frantically struggling to regain her balance. As she upended, her feet rising above her head, she felt the sickening shift of gravity. She was falling to her death. A scream of pure terror ripped from her throat. Then, Grunt's blunt head thrust over the edge, his clawed hand clamping firmly on her boot. His muscles flexed as he swung her small body in a clean arc and she landed on her back with a 'thud,' the air knocked out of her lungs. Shepard lay, stunned for a moment as her comrade stood over her, bullets bouncing off his shields and armour as she struggled to get to her feet. As she got to her knees, black dots clouded her vision, and she fell again.

As she attempted to get to her feet for a third time the explosions of turret fire got her attention. Gasping for air, she stood, her knees still a little shaky from her brush with death, before diving behind a stack of boxes, her head swimming. She sat still for a moment. She had to. When her heart no longer felt as if it would tear itself out of her chest, Shepard shook her head, clearing it and stood up, hoisting her rifle back to her shoulder and taking aim, neatly pegging the last mercenary on the outside of the building.

"Thanks, Grunt," she said breathlessly, casting a look at the young krogan briefly before eyeing the tower's top as they approached the end of the bridge. Proper thanks would be in order later. Now, they were nearly at the assassin's mark.

"Shepard," he responded, his baritone voice rumbling in flat acknowledgment.

"Right," she barked, "let's get this guy's attention, shall we?"

Joker enjoyed breaking into security cam feeds to watch Shepard destroy things. It was easy. Hell, sometimes they didn't even need 'breaking into' as much as simply finding out what their IP addresses were. Every place had security cams these days, and the Dantius Towers were no exception. In fact, they had more cameras with better bandwidth than anywhere else he'd looked into. These idiots hadn't even bothered to password lock their feeds, and so, he settled in his seat for the grim spectacle.

He never told Shepard that he watched her missions most of the time. He couldn't always get access to cameras and such, but he always listened in, in case he was needed to come streaking down from the sky in a blaze of glory and Thanix cannons. It was a unique opportunity to get to know her by the way she acted when she was off the ship. He was intrigued by the way she dealt with people for she was polite, inquisitive, and yet had a nasty mean streak. He always enjoyed when she excercised that part of her personality. It was often deserved.

This mission had seemed a little different, however. Shepard hadn't even said anything when she had left that morning, seemingly lost in her own world although he'd noticed that she had engaged in little banter with Garrus and Grunt, which was unusual. As he watched the battle he noticed a number of differences in her behaviour.

_She's quiet today, _he thought, his curiosity aroused. Following the three commandoes' progress by lazily flicking from feed to feed, he noticed how stiffly and deliberately she moved. How easily she destroyed. He knew she was a trained killer, but what he was watching seemed unreal. Heads exploded like popcorn around her, and her expression barely changed. _Something has pissed her off_, he thought as he watched her smash a mech apart with her bare hands.

Joker knew there would be trouble the moment he saw Shepard sidle up to the Eclipse merc by the window. The way she initiated conversation meant _business_, and he listened intently, interest piqued.

_"I'll ask you again,_" he heard Shepard snarl. Her tone gave him chills. Joker picked up his mug of coffee, listening to the merc tell Shepard to go to hell. _Not the right answer, _he thought and heard the sound of crashing glass. His eyes flicked up to the feed to see that Shepard had pushed the guy straight out the window, and was standing stock still in a pile of broken glass, shaking with rage. Despite himself, Joker laughed. _Shitty end, but what a moron_.

"_I get a feeling this one's not coming down empty,_" he heard Garrus say, and saw Shepard hop over a fallen box in response, reloading her prized M29 Incisor rifle. He watched them take position, and the elevator doors open. Shepard began firing like some kind of demon, plugging her victims with three bullets per trigger squeeze, and nearly always hitting them right in the head.

The only cameras available for him to switch between were on the mercenaries' side of the bridge and Joker found himself watching the battle from their perspective as the mouthbreathers unleashed their poorly aimed fire at Shepard's flawlessly coordinated team. The mercenaries dropped one by one, their blood spilling over the tower's newly laid stone floor. Joker grinned. It was like a dance. The battle became even more interesting as he noticed the turrets, firing missiles down near the commander. The pilot put down his mug and grew tense. He could see her sleek form peeking out from behind a crate. _Ah,_ he figured. _She has a shitty shot from where she is._ He knew what she was doing. _Timing the run between the gun drones' blasts_, he thought to himself as he watched the rate of fire along with her, and smiled.

_One... T- What are you doing? Not now!_ Joker shot bolt upright in his seat. She'd already run. She'd gone too soon. She was already backing off when a missile blast hit just a few feet in front of her. She was close to the edge, and his heart skipped a beat as he saw her struggle to right herself. Then a second impact dislodged her and he saw her clawing at the air, flailing for balance, unable to catch purchase on the smooth glass of the bridge.

"Do something, shit, shit, shit...!" He muttered as he slammed the docking release, but as her scream of horror hit his earpiece, he winced. It hurt, but he didn't care. _There's nothing I can do to help her!_ He watched in helpless frustration, vainly wishing he was in a small fighter, able to swoop down to save her or even, a soldier who could have accompanied her. Occupied by frustrated thoughts, he at first didn't notice Grunt's actions until the krogan already had hold of her boot. His breath caught in his throat as he watched Grunt, absorbing bullets, rocking her to gain momentum before swinging her up and to his side. She landed heavily on her back with a force that would've shattered _his_ spine. He watched as she lay gasping like a fish, Grunt standing in front of her, fiercely protective, like some kind of war dog. The silver-scaled krogan bellowed as he shot at what he could, giving Shepard time to scramble to shelter. She made it behind a box, and waited there a moment. Watching above, Joker slowly leaned back in his seat, letting out a great sigh when she lifted her rifle to take aim again.

A minute later he flicked through the signals again to find Shepard and her team inside the tower. They were heading into an office or a boardroom of some kind; he couldn't tell and didn't care. He sighed heavily. _What was the point of watching and monitoring if I can never help her when she needs me?_ _If Grunt hadn't been right on her heels - if she had been just a little further ahead of him - she'd be a meat pancake by now._ Joker remembered his frustration as he weakly bashed himself against the wall of the escape pod, Shepard spinning away to be swallowed by the planet. _Fuck,_ he thought, and glowered at the bottom of his empty mug. _Just not good enough._


	4. Chapter 4 Mixed Signals

_" If we were children I would bake you a mud pie_

_Warm and brown beneath the sun_

_Never learned to climb a tree but I would try_

_Just to show you what I'd done_

_Oh what I wouldn't do_

_If I had you, babe, I had you_

_Oh what I wouldn't do_

_If I had you, babe "_

_- A Fine Frenzy - "What I Wouldn't Do"_

Joker was in a foul mood. The feelings of helplessness he'd experienced while watching Shepard's team on the vid feeds had dissipated, leaving behind only anger which he directed at the hapless computer displays in front of him. He had seen Shepard, Garrus and Grunt return, along with what was probably a new team member.

_The new guy looks like a fish, _he thought irritably, and poked through reams of data. Joker found himself yearning to leave, to get out of port as fast as the engines could take him. For once, he had no interest in listening in on the crew's conversations, so he decided to get his mind off of what had just happened by immersing himself in maintenance reports. He noticed even the ship's mouthy AI was leaving him alone. He narrowed his eyes in the direction of its inoffensive hologram, finding its silence strange, but welcome nonetheless. He wondered if it was biding its time, readying some eloquently phrased way to piss him off further.

Joker was a creature of habit and found himself expecting one of Shepard's little post-mission visits. For the first time, he had mixed feelings about it although he wasn't sure why. She always laughed at his jokes and seemed to take a personal interest in how he was doing. There just weren't any reasons he could think of to dread her usual visit, but he did anyways. To mask his feelings, he pulled up a display and made it look as if he were busy. He heard footsteps behind him, and began typing a little faster.

_Maybe she'll go away,_ he thought, but immediately he knew she wouldn't. In fact, she was standing a few feet behind him, awaiting his acknowledgment. _Why does she always do that?_ He wondered.

"Commander," he said politely, continuing to make a show of typing. He heard her step a little closer.

"What's wrong, Joker? EDI filtering the extranet again?" Shepard asked softly, a wry smile on her lips. Immediately, a retort came to mind, but this time he set it aside. Joker stopped typing and looked up from the control panel. He opened his mouth to speak, but then stopped and closed it again. Shepard chuckled quietly from beside him. "So, that _is_ the problem, then?" she asked, and idly placed her hand on his seat's headrest to look over his shoulder.

"Grunt saved your ass today. You should be more careful," Joker said, staring intently at an image of the Normandy's portside propulsion system as he spoke. Joker turned his head to glance at her, and saw she seemed visibly taken aback by the comment. Just then, a flash of light came from the panel in front of him, and he followed her gaze to the comm light, which glowed green on a channel reserved for the Illusive Man. She leaned over and confirmed the 'call acknowledged' signal to patch it through, then gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze.

"Don't worry," she said quietly. "I'll be careful."

Just as quickly as it happened, it was over. Her hand slid from his shoulder and he watched as she left without a backwards glance, presumably heading to the Debriefing Room. He stared at the diagrams in front of him for a moment.

_She's never touched me before, _he thought. _Aside from when she threw me into the escape pod. Come to think of it, I've never seen her touch anyone. _He'd found the shoulder pat along with her words to be strangely comforting. He'd focussed his entire career around being the best at what he did and allowing no one to pity him. Normally he would have resented a pat on the shoulder, seeing it as being patronizing. _But it didn't feel that way at all._ He spent a few minutes wondering at this before giving up. _Guess I'm getting soft in my old age, and maybe she is, too. Still, I'm glad she made it back safe. It would've been hard to lose her again._

/

Dr Maureen Chakwas always took her meals at eight o'clock. Unless she was busily bandaging a fresh wound, she could be found out in the Mess hall, sitting at the table closest to the Med Bay by five past the hour, with a cup of tea and something to read in her hand as she worked up her appetite. Today had been especially trying. The hypochondriacs had come out of the woodwork, as well as the serious cases. She'd seen crew complaining of everything from the sniffles to a rare venereal disease. The doctor stirred her tea distractedly as she turned the pages of her book. She startled as a plate appeared in front of her and looked up to see Joker sitting down across from her with his own dinner. It really was remarkable how much his mobility had increased thanks to the bone sheathing Cerberus had offered. His limp was less pronounced, and he was surer on his feet. The man she had known in the Alliance would never have been able to carry something in each hand. Dr Chakwas closed her book and placed it to one side.

"Jeff," she said in greeting, and gestured towards the plate. "Thank you. And to what do I owe the pleasure?" She asked as she picked up the proffered fork.

"Long day," he responded. It was something halfway between a question and a statement.

"Indeed," she said. "Sometimes I feel I should like to go out and sight-see. Ilium looks quite lovely from the Observation Deck."

"Yeah," he agreed half-heartedly. "But then you see all the gunfire and explosions, and your taste for being a tourist kind of disappears."

"Oh, I don't know about that," she replied, smiling at him. .

"I never know what to _do_, you know? Like go around and buy mugs or shirts or shoes or something? I never got that whole thing," he said, cutting his portion of meat into small chunks of exactly the same size, scrutinising each piece before working on the next. He had an odd habit of lining up objects, and it seemed to extend even to his food, as well. He kept looking over his shoulder, obviously preoccupied with something.

"It isn't all about handbags and sunhats, you know. New people, new views, getting to know about the culture of another place, seeing how others do things," Chakwas said over her cup of tea. "The Commander sightsees and shops a bit herself despite the gunfire, it would seem. She buys fish."

"Fish? Hadn't noticed that. Guess she doesn't think the seafood surprise is quite fresh enough, either," he remarked and grinned, absent-mindedly picking at a chip in the table.

Chakwas laughed, the older woman brushing a strand of silver hair from her eyes. "You're seeming a bit more upbeat than usual,"

"What, can't a guy just be in a good mood?" He snorted.

Chakwas looked at him expressionlessly, blinking slowly as she placed her teacup delicately on the table. "Oh, certainly. It's just unexpected, that's all. Any particularly reason you're in such a good mood?"

"No, not really," he replied. "Just a long day, I guess; maybe I'm too tired to be my usual snarky self."

"Mmm," came her response, subtle in encouraging him to continue. He fidgeted, rubbing the brim of his cap as if it were itchy. She knew this dance well. Any time Joker had anything on his mind, he came to her. She watched as he cast a look round either direction and then hunkered down, his arms crossed on the table.

"I'm still not sleeping well. I keep having those dreams," he said quietly. Coolly, Chakwas picked up her teacup again, though her focus did not waver.

"The pod?" She asked.

"Yeah," he said, voice heavy with a sigh. "Over and over, every time I sleep. It's getting worse."

"Do you want something to help you sleep?" she asked, although she knew the answer. He shook his head like he always did, then visibly hesitated before speaking again.

"She almost died today," he said, keeping his voice low. "I was watching."

"Shepard risks her life every day. I don't think I've seen anyone take as many bullets as she," Chakwas replied.

"Yeah. Yeah, but I mean it _bothered_ me. More than _usual._ She fell off this bridge, and it was like... I don't know. I couldn't do anything to save her. Again," he muttered, suddenly tense. Chakwas paused, observing him continue to fidget. Even though Shepard was now alive, it had been no easy feat, taking billions of credits and an unscrupulous organization to bring her back. Although Chakwas had, on several occasions, explained to him that his decision to stay and try to save the ship were defensible in every way, it was plain that he still blamed himself for her death.

"You've seen her die, once. It's only natural that you'd feel so despondent," Chakwas chose her words carefully as she straightened up in her chair. "It's practically a textbook case, Jeff, I'm afraid." She knew he hated this diagnosis, but what else could she do for him? He loathed the idea of seeing a therapist about it. It seemed almost as if he hated the idea of letting it go; almost as if he _wanted_ to obsess and be miserable about it, although she doubted that was true. "If you were anyone else I would suggest that you not watch the feeds, but your position makes that infeasible. I really do think you should speak to someone professional about it," Chakwas sighed, looking on him with sympathy.

"No," he said, obstinately. "They'll just say the same things everyone else says. Besides..."

"Besides what?" She asked, clearing her throat softly.

"Well, it's like this," he said. "She's just, I dunno, she's just been acting a little weird at me, and its set me off."

"Well, _that_ begs clarification," Chakwas said, raising an eyebrow.

"When I told her to be careful, she patted me on the shoulder. Told me not to worry," he said, his expression quizzical. Chakwas bit back a smile threatening to show itself. _This is the real issue he came to speak to me about_, she thought. _Not the dreams. He knows I have no new input on those. It's this. _

"Why would that set you off?" She asked.

"It's not like she was condescending or anything. I don't know. That's just not the kind of thing she does. And it's not a thing I do," he grumbled. "It's weird."

Dr Chakwas placed her empty plate to one side, and put the fork neatly on top of it, seeming to have come to an understanding.

"Shepard sees you as a person. Yes, she's your commanding officer but I think she also sees you as a friend. You've been through a lot together after all. Perhaps the problem is that you're realizing you actually like her as well. It wouldn't be the end of the world you know," she said, giving him a smile..

"W-what? You know I'm not a people person! Besides, don't you know the extranet and I are going steady?" He leaned back in his chair and folded his arms, looking at her in a questioning manner. "Oh, you're _serious?_ That's the _last_ thing on my mind," he snorted indignantly.

"That makes a lot of sense, actually, now that I think about it," she continued as if she had not heard him.

"What? I said '_No.'_ Next you'll be suggesting I start following her around, batting my eyes at her like the rest of the crew,_" _he said defiantly.

Dr Chakwas laughed. "Afraid the ship will get jealous, Jeff? I think she'll understand."

"No," he repeated and tossed his spoon into his empty cup. "It's not like that at all." He was displeased by the endless calm in her eyes and the way she gave him such a knowing look. Sometimes, she felt too much like a mother.

"Alright," she said, disarmingly. "If you say it isn't the case, then I believe you."

"I couldn't get into something like that. I like how things are. Sometimes people talk, then they go away. Sometimes I talk, and then I go away. It's a wonderful cycle of going away and leaving me alone that just _works_ for me," he said, looking across at her with indignation.

"Of course," Chakwas replied with a tone equally as delicate as before. "You seem to have thought about this a lot," she added.

"No more than anybody else," he shrugged a shoulder as he gathered the stack in his hands. "She's just acting a bit weirdly, and it concerned me."

"Mmm," she said, standing up and collecting her book and tea cup. "So, I shall see you on Sunday for your physical, then?"

"Yeah," he grunted in response, and headed for the coffee machine.

/

Joker lazily pressed buttons on the silver coffee machine in the same order he always did. Strong, black, one sugar. He leaned on the counter and waited for the thing to work. It bubbled away noisily as he scanned the Mess. _Just Shepard and the 'regulars.' What do they even do, anyways? They're always here, bitching about the food, _he thought as he looked at the group of servicemen, chatting about something or other in the corner. The tall one was constantly guffawing at something distinctly unfunny, and the cook, Gardner, was shaking his head in disgust. Gardner returned to chopping vegetables, muttering something unintelligible under his breath. _The food was never that bad, _Joker thought as he watched Gardner stack plates. _Then again, I'm not a picky eater._ After a few moments of watching their idle banter, his eyes wandered from them to Shepard's table, covered in papers and things that looked like schematics.

Shepard sat alone, tapping a pen on her head thoughtfully, one eyebrow lowered in concentration. She shoved a paper away and grabbed another, circling something on it. Joker watched with idle curiosity, tapping his finger on the counter. The coffee machine stopped bubbling, and he grabbed his drink, turning to go. _Ah, what the hell, it looks like she could use one too,_ he thought, and tapped the machine again. Strong, milk, three sugars, the way he had always seen her have it.

"Hey," he said over his shoulder when it had finished brewing for the second time. No answer. "_Hey_," he repeated, a little louder this time.

"Hm? Sorry, yes?" Shepard shook her head slightly as she looked up.

"Here," he said flatly, and deposited the cup on the table. Shepard paused, a flicker of surprise crossing her face. She reached for it, taking a tiny sip.

"Thank you. I appreciate it. You even remembered the disgusting amount of sugar I like," Shepard said, and smiled. "I think I'm the only one here who likes it that sweet," she mused. With nothing further to add, she returned to her papers.

"Yeah, don't worry about it," he muttered, and started to leave, feeling decidedly jittery and awkward about the encounter. Joker had gone his entire career without ever having so much as held a door open for anybody else. He surprised himself with this sudden, albeit small, act of going out of his way to initiate a conversation with, and do something for, someone who wasn't Dr Chakwas. He had always avoided any social invitations and soundly rebuffed attempts by others to make his life easier. As a result, he enjoyed not being expected to offer the same courtesies and being left alone.

However, since being aboard the _Normandy SR2_, he had had drinks with Shepard twice. Once when they'd left dock for the first time, and then the other night. Joker winced at the memory, recalling the compliment he had given her. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Shepard's eyes on him, watching him leave and he flushed, heat creeping up the back of his neck. He wasn't sure why he felt so embarrassed. She'd seen him walk before, but still, he suddenly found the odd way he had to lean forward to balance himself as he walked to be humiliating. When Joker wasn't in the cockpit, he felt like a fish out of water. Flopping around everywhere and needing to be scooped up by someone and dumped back in his element. He longed to be back in the pilot's seat, the place where he felt he truly belonged. _Fuck,_ he thought. _It's pathetic. Just pathetic._

The old fantasy came back to him with a vengeance. Just once he wanted to be able to straighten up completely, and walk normally past his colleagues without having to put caution into every step. Even though he could now move much more easily and without crutches, he just wanted – just for once – to be normal. And, he wanted his colleagues to think of him as someone to really look up to. Someone who was strong and admirable. Even though Shepard clearly relied on his piloting skills and even after flying the Normandy out of danger on several occasions, the crew still gave him _those looks._ Those glances that said '_you poor bastard_.' Now out of Shepard's view, Joker stared ahead, lifted his shoulders and tried to walk straighter, but he wobbled and had to resort to leaning forward again. A crewman from Engineering walked past, his posture straight and the sight filled Joker with bitterness. He knew that he was only walking without crutches because of the extensive medical work Cerberus had paid for on his behalf. The surgeries had been painful and learning to walk on his own had been difficult.

_Still_, he thought,_ its not all bad_. _Sure, other people can walk just fine and play basketball or whatever. But, can they drop a vehicle on target without injuring a single passenger and with less than a hundred metres clearance like I have?_ Joker recalled that moment as a personal victory and smiled as he lowered himself into his seat, coffee in hand. He was the best pilot in the Systems Alliance at the very least, and nothing could take that away from him.

/

Shepard pored over the upgrades for her prized Incisor sniper rifle, trying to get her head around how it worked. She was very particular about her weapon, and wouldn't settle for anything less than understanding exactly how it worked before toting it into battle. It was common practise for her to go over the specifications for every one of her weapons, but the Incisor was her baby. Shepard depended upon it to dispatch enemies quickly and quietly. Without it, she felt effectively crippled on the battlefield. If there was a chance that it could malfunction or offset the weapon's balance, she would not allow the scientists to modify it further.

Without looking up, she groped about for the cup of coffee Joker had left on the table for her. What was left had gone cold, and Shepard wrinkled her nose in disappointment. Pondering over the papers again, she attempted to decipher the numbers into practical knowledge. She didn't often have time for this, but they were in transit for some hours yet, and she figured she could use a little brain exercise. As far as she could gather, the upgrade worked by augmenting the mass effect fields surrounding the bullets, making them hit harder. It would make the rifle a hair heavier on the right side, but nothing she couldn't compensate for.

At long last, Shepard gathered the papers together in a neat pile and inserted them into her folder. Not being one to waste food of any kind, she downed the last of the cold coffee and stretched, rotating her stiff shoulder. The majority of the day crew were beginning to flood into the Mess, and Shepard felt it was time to take her leave. Gardner was inundated with requests, and he worked as fast as he could to fill the plates set on his counter. Her mouth turned to a small frown. She needed to get those food supplies for him the next time she was on the Citadel. She didn't like the idea that he was forced to make things below his standard, and the very least the crew deserved were good meals. But, Shepard had other matters to attend to at the moment.

The doors to the Med Bay opened, and Dr Chakwas stepped out.

"Pardon the intrusion, Commander," she called, and Shepard turned around. "Whenever you happen to have a minute, I'd like to speak with you."

"Yes, Doctor," she responded politely. "You can expect me shortly," she added, and headed for the cargo bay.


	5. Chapter 5 Tread Lightly

_" It's typical, another game of push and pull_

_There's nothing wrong, but there is something going on_

_You float away, a little further every day_

_I'm looking at the stars and you're looking out at empty space "_

_- Dragonette - "Don't Be Funny"_

Shepard watched the pacing krogan with hard eyes. The leader within her knew that to care for him properly, she needed to disguise her concern, but the person within her wanted to offer comfort instead. Shepard felt something of a maternal instinct towards him. Despite his abilities, Grunt was a baby, and he needed guidance. He had only effectively been born a few weeks ago, when Shepard had pressed the release on the tank he had grown in, and he stumbled out, covered in a sheen of viscous fluid. Whatever programs there were in the tank's computers had taught Grunt to walk, talk, run, and shoot, but they had also left him with a basic, but incomplete understanding of his people. She saw that he was both fascinated and confused by the world around him, and became easily vexed when thinking about his place in it.

Wordlessly, Shepard watched as his wide-set blue eyes burned into her, the slitted pupils darting around with his focus. Grunt was a huge being, but he didn't have the same unsettling effects on her that Jacob Taylor did. She had an implicit trust for Grunt and he had gone with her into every fray since he had agreed to fight under her command. This feeling had only been strengthened when he had saved her from falling to certain death. She tried hard not to show her emotion as she watched him stalk around the cargo hold, clenching and relaxing his fists.

"I don't know what's wrong, Shepard," he growled, staring out the glass towards the engine core. "I don't... I just, I want to... kill something. With my _hands,_" he snarled, whipping his wedge shaped head around to stare at her. Shepard didn't move an inch under his glare, recalling something her former comrade and friend, Wrex, said to her about ritual challenges. Grunt backed off, showing subtle signs of obeisance.

_"If a krogan's going to challenge your leadership - and he will - he'll do it in one of two ways," Wrex said, one of his clawed hands tight around his glass of ryncol. He tapped the hard, bony red crest on his head. "If he's smart, he'll make an indirect, but obvious threat and assess your reaction. If he's stupid, he'll do the same thing, but he'll outright insult you," He continued, tipping the contents of the glass down his throat in one gulp. He shook his massive head as he swallowed. "Krogan do it all the time. Even kids. It's stupid to constantly waste your leader's time with full on battles, but it's good to keep him on his toes. Let him know his spot is desired. It's a show of respect."_

_ "How would I respond to something like that?" Shepard asked, slurring the words with the effects of the diluted ryncol Wrex had given her. Eight parts water to one part drink, and she was still wobbling all over the place. It was powerful stuff._

_ "You've got a real fine ship here, Shepard," Wrex's voice rumbled, his tone suddenly different. Feral. Wrex jutted his jaw, his bright red eyes locking with hers. Shepard straightened up, staring in return, her focus suddenly intense and sharp. She grabbed the counter, unsteady on her feet. The room was spinning, but she didn't dare look away._

_ "Hahaha!" He laughed thunderously, shaking his head. "You do it like that, and you'll be fine every time," he said, and Shepard noticed even through her fuzzy, drunken haze, the pointed way in which he lowered his head._

Shepard relaxed a little. _Wrex. He would know what was wrong, _she thought. Grunt suddenly inhaled, turning to the glass window, and smashed his head into it. Shepard startled at this, stepping back. Grunt turned around, scraping tiny bits of glass out of the many silver plates that adorned his head.

"See? Why do that? What is wrong with me?" he roared.

"You need to see someone of your own kind about this," she said, summoning her inner calm once more.

"The doctors don't go off-world," he grumbled, his nostrils flaring as he exhaled heavily, straining to keep himself in check.

"Then we'll get on world," Shepard said, raising her voice and stepping closer again, giving him her best domineering stance. Once again, Grunt bowed his head.

"Thank you, Shepard," he said, visibly shaken by her forceful display. It wasn't like her to raise her voice, but then again, it wasn't like him to break walls with his head, either. She looked at the ceiling.

"Joker," she barked, waiting for his response.

"Commander?" His voice came out over the speaker almost immediately.

"Set a course for Tuchanka," she ordered. Her eyes returned to the krogan. "And you settle down as best you can. We'll get you to a doctor," she instructed, and turned on her heel. 

Shepard found herself worrying about the young krogan all the way to the Med Bay. In all the time she'd spent with Wrex, she'd never seen _him_ act like that. Wrex was her point of reference when it had come to his species. But then Wrex was an old krogan, well aware of his limits and strengths. Grunt was only a full-sized child. What if this was just the krogan equivalent of chicken pox? What if this was the first symptom of some horrible degenerative condition? _Shit. It might be contagious._ Alarmed at the thought, she burst through the doors, feeling a strong sense of urgency.

"Doctor," she said to Chakwas in greeting, walking over to one of the many decontamination bays. Deftly removing her jacket and setting it on a nearby chair, she set to work scrubbing her hands up to her elbows.

"Commander?" Chakwas returned the greeting, a note of confusion in her voice. "Glad you stopped by. Is something wrong?" she asked gently, watching Shepard's enthusiastic scrubbing.

"No, Doctor. I'm getting it under control. Grunt may be ill, he's acting very strangely," she said as she turned around, the worry plain in her voice.

"I'm afraid I know quite little about krogan physiology," Chakwas admitted. "Doctor Solus would perhaps be a better choice?"

"It's all right. I'm taking Grunt to Tuchanka to see a doctor of his own kind," Shepard explained, and picked up her jacket. "Now, you needed to see me? I have a minute."

"Of course," Chakwas responded, gesturing to a chair next to her. "Not to put too fine a point on it, but I'm also worried about crew behaviours. You're aware that I've been Jeff's physician for some time, now?" She asked. Shepard furrowed her brow as she slid on her jacket.

"Yes," she said as she fastened up the high collar of the officer's uniform and sat down.

"Right. Well, I believe it's the closest relationship he's had with someone in quite some time," she said, lowering her eyes. "And I like to think I'm able to tell when there's something wrong. Have you noticed anything... _unusual_ about him, lately?"

"Well, no," Shepard said, and paused. "I mean I know he's not sleeping well. He seemed upset when I came back from Ilium. He told me to 'be careful.' Other than that he's been the same old Joker we all know and love," she said.

"Mmm," Chakwas muttered, and nodded.

"Come to think of it though," Shepard said, her eyes lighting up. "I did feed him a few beers the other day. He must've been a little out of it because he told me I had nice eyes," she chuckled softly as she recalled.

"Did he now?" Chakwas asked thoughtfully, and smiled. "It's incredibly rare for him to do such things. Showing concern, even giving a compliment are things greatly out of the ordinary for him. He seems a lot more sensitive lately, and I am concerned."

"He gave me a coffee today, too. Should we be concerned? All of these things are positive, aren't they?" Shepard asked.

"Jeff is... a very _complex_ man. He's spent a lot of years avoiding social interactions of any kind so this is a marked change," Chakwas said with a tilt of her head.

"You think it's more than him coming out of his shell, then."

"Well, Commander, I don't know that for certain. But something, as you say, is up, and as his physician and something of his friend, I had thought it prudent to bring to your attention. Am I right in my assumption that you consider him a friend? You _do_ visit him every time you come back." Dr. Chakwas folded her hands in her lap as she looked up at Shepard.

"Yes, of course I do. You and Joker have been the only people who came to me without question when I needed you," There was a serious tone in Shepard's voice, and Dr Chakwas lowered her eyes to the floor.

"There is no doubt in my mind that either one of us would come to help you any time it was required," Chakwas said quietly. "I can feel confident in speaking for Jeff when I say the both of us hold you in very high regard."

"Thank you, Doctor," Shepard said and smiled. "I think I'll try and get to the bottom of this when he comes off shift. I've got a few more beers handy."

"If you do, Commander, I do suggest you tread lightly. He is a man to whom offense comes easily," she said, brushing the silver hair from her eyes.

"There's no other way I tread, Doctor," Shepard said as she rose from the chair.

/

Kelly Chambers had long ago stopped reading her book to watch Joker paint the model he was laboriously fitting together. He could see her, but was happily ignoring her. She lay stretched out in her bunk, her hand trailing over the edge onto the floor, watching him with one eye. Several small bottles of paint, a desk lamp and a modeling knife sat on an old cutting board by Joker's knee. It wasn't an ideal workspace, but it did the job. _I wish she wouldn't stare at me, _he thought as he shaved off extra material from one of the model's pieces. _It's a pretty peaceful night aside from that._

He sat with his back to the wall in amongst several half assembled chunks he'd lined up into neat piles. There was something about the repetitive task of taking a bunch of plastic bits and sticking them all together that he found relaxing. Joker picked up one of the sheets of parts from the box at his feet, setting about removing them one by one.

"What's that?" Chambers asked, finally.

"A banana," he mumbled, scraping another piece's side until it was completely smooth. When it was combined together with the one he'd just been working on, it would make up part of the chassis. Kelly sniffed in agitation and her expression amused him.

"It's a truck of some kind. What is it _supposed_ _to be_?" Kelly asked. Joker never got why she didn't just give up.

"It's _supposed to be _a Mako." He shrugged, and brought the two halves up to the bent lamp, lining them up.

"Right," she said. "What are you going to do with it when you're done putting it together?"

"I don't know," he replied, snapping the pieces together. They fit together seamlessly. A miniature front end of the Mako that used to sit in the bay of the first _Normandy_ sat in his palms. "Maybe I'll just leave it somewhere."

"You don't collect them or anything?" Kelly asked with a yawn.

"Nope, I just build them," he said slowly, deep in concentration.

"Well, can I have it, then? I like it," she asked, and smiled at him. He looked at her for a secondand then returned to assembling the Mako's left door.

"Nope," he said flatly, reaching for the glue. She laughed quietly, and he looked up. "It'd be weird. You can't have it."

"Why don't you give it to the Commander? She collects model ships and stuff," she said, picking up a book from underneath her bunk. He said nothing, and she smiled coyly as she found her place in its pages. "So, you don't want to keep it. It'd be _weird_ to give it to me, but it wouldn't be weird to give it to Shepard?"

Joker paused, considering this, and then tensed up for a moment, letting the model droop in his hands. "You're about as subtle as a krogan in a china shop," he said.

"That makes two of us, then," she said, and smiled.

_God, I really can't stand her,_ he fumed silently, eyeing her over the bits he was holding together, waiting for the glue to fuse them. _Just what is it she thinks she knows, anyway?_

"What is this, high school?" He said aloud. Kelly's insinuations gave him an unsettled feeling. His connection with Shepard wasn't something he knew how to respond to. He remembered how intensely he felt when he awoke from the repeating nightmares that left images reverberating in his mind. The thought made his stomach churn as if he had a cold and writhing eel inside. Sheepishly, Joker looked at the floor as the squirming in his gut grew a little stronger and he flushed recalling his feelings at Dr. Chakwas' comments about Shepard's real and personal interest in him. That perhaps Shepard's regular visits to the cockpit indicated more than just duty or her amusement in his snappy remarks and petty battles with EDI. Joker turned the little vehicle part over in his hand as he pondered.

_ Perhaps it was always something different, right from the start? _He thought as he checked over the plastic for defects. Perhaps it had been more than casual curiosity that she asked for his opinions on things back on the _SR1 _and continued to now; maybe she really _cared _about his opinions. Joker stared at the hollow chassis of the Mako replica he held in his hands. _Maybe I -_

"Hey, you there?" Kelly asked gently, disturbing his thoughts. Joker frowned. "I said I'm sorry for teasing you," she said, letting her head drop to the side, her book open on her chest.

"Yeah, whatever," he said. "There's nothing _there_ to tease me about, just so you know."

"I'll take that as your version of 'apology accepted,' then," she smiled, flicking a sheaf of strawberry blonde hair from her eyes. "You know, you'd be such a nice guy if you'd just admit it to yourself," Kelly said. _Oh, here we go,_ he thought as he rolled his eyes. _And she was doing so well, too. _"What? I _am_ a nice guy," he said dryly. "Just spare me the psych evals and we'll be fine."

"Psych evaluations are kind of my job," she said. "I don't just sit around watching the Commander's inbox, you know. I wouldn't be here if that's all I did," Kelly replied cheerfully.

"Uh-huh," he mumbled, his attention already gone back to building. The door was a little loose on its hinges. _If I could just steady it a little, I_ –

"I wonder what Tuchanka's like?" Kelly asked.

"Why do you even have that book open anyway? Every time you take that book out, you play Twenty Thousand Questions with me instead of reading it," he grumbled, using a toothpick to adjust fastenings. "Tuchanka looks like a busted open parking garage if you ask me. Tons of concrete bits and bent scrap everywhere."

"Yeah, I know what it _looks_ like. I mean what is it really like? Did Shepard talk to you about it when she got back?"

"Not really. She doesn't talk about what she's doing unless I ask. She's nice that way. Doesn't talk too much," he said, shooting a pointed look in Kelly's direction. She blatantly ignored it.

"Aren't you interested? She goes to so many places, meets so many people," she said, eyes wide in wonder. "How could you not ask about whom she's met and what she's seen?"

"Sometimes, if it's available, I watch the security cam feeds around where she is. I listen in sometimes, too," he said, nonchalantly, testing the Mako model's door he had fixed.

"You _spy_ on her!" Kelly laughed.

"No," he shot back. "I watch and listen in case I need to move this baby," he said, gesturing with his eyes at the entirety of the ship around them. She just rolled her eyes and smiled, and Joker tugged sharply on the bill of his cap in irritation.

"Watching and listening is different from asking her what happened," Kelly said, sitting upright in her bunk and leaning her elbows on her raised knees.

"Yeah. Watching and listening is more accurate," he replied, fitting the wheels.

"It's not about that. Even if you know what happened, asking for her point of view is just shows you care," Kelly said and shrugged.

"Who says I want to give that impression?" Joker stared hard at the miniature tyre between his thumb and forefinger as he spoke. Kelly gave him a withering look. He held the tyre up in front of his eye, framing her face in the hole.

"So what do you guys talk about?" Kelly asked, more curious now than she had been before.

"She says something like, 'hey, how are things up here,' and asks what I think about people and things on the ship," he said, shrugging his shoulder.

"And you never ask her what she thinks?"

"Sometimes," he said, attempting to put more and more disinterest into the tone of his voice. _Kelly, go away,_ he thought. "I figure she's pretty busy," he added.

"That's it?" Kelly asked, disbelieving. Something flickered through Joker's mind.

"I got something I gotta do," he said suddenly, remembering that Shepard had asked him to drop by the Mess later on. _Not that I'm giving you the satisfaction of knowing,_ he jeered in his head as he looked at Kelly.

"Say 'hi' to Shepard for me," she said, and picked up her book.


	6. Chapter 6 Cognition

_"Well some say life will beat you down_

_Break your heart, steal your crown_

_So I've started out, for God knows where_

_I guess I'll know when I get there_

_I'm learning to fly, around the clouds_

_But what goes up must come down_

_I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings_

_Coming down is the hardest thing"_

_- "Tom Petty - Learning to Fly"_

The doors to the Crew's Quarters opened to reveal Shepard's slim figure, a fresh bandage and a subdued expression of pain on her face. Joker stepped back to allow her room to enter.

"I figured I'd find you here," she said quietly through gritted teeth, fidgeting with the tape holding the strip of gauze to her cheek. "You're half an hour late."

"It was my fault," Shepard heard Kelly Chambers call from inside her bunk. Leaning out of its side and around the corner, Kelly offered a clumsy salute. "I kept him, Commander." Joker looked back at her, trying to communicate gratitude without words or expression.

Shepard cocked her hip, arms crossed. She guessed that Joker had forgotten. _Add that to the pile of unusual behaviour,_ she thought as she looked him up and down.

"Yes, be that as it may, I shouldn't need to - Is that a _Mako?_" Shepard asked, distracted by the nearly completed model sat on a cutting board on Joker's bunk.

"Yeah, it is, Commander," he said, looking at the floor and readjusting his cap. Joker was a punctual man, and being late embarrassed him deeply. Fortunately, Shepard had no desire to admonish him further. She stepped over to the bunk, crouching down to have a look. He was pleased that she avoided touching it, choosing instead to slowly rotate the cutting board.

"Looks just like the real thing," she said, awed at its detail.

"Yeah. There's just one thing missing, though," he said, hiding his smile.

"What's that?" she asked as she grinned, amused by the tiny seats, visible through the model's dark windows.

"All your _handiwork_ all over the front. And by 'handiwork,' I mean crater-sized dents in the hull we couldn't get out. Wrex always said you couldn't drive for shit," he said and began to laugh. Shepard laughed, too.

"Wrex only says that because I wouldn't let him drive. Any time I let _him_ take the wheel he flipped the damn thing, so I'm afraid the _handiwork,_ as you call it, isn't all mine," Shepard said and stood up.

"How can you _flip_ a Mako? It rights itself," Joker asked, shaking his head.

"That's what I said," she replied, and walked to the door. Joker followed without hesitation. Shepard opened the door and stepped out, waiting for him to catch up.

"I've got second opinions, though. Kaidan also said you couldn't drive to save your life," he said, and Shepard smiled stiffly in response. Hearing Kaidan's name stung.

Joker noticed her response and quickly asked, "So, uh, how was Tuchanka? Do I have a postcard waiting for me in my inbox?" Shepard said nothing for a moment, touching the bandage on her face.

"There was a Thresher Maw," she said. Her tone was casual, as if she'd said 'The planet was very brown.' Of course, Joker knew there had been a Thresher Maw. He had been watching from orbit. The Normandy's cameras were very good, powerful enough to pick up visuals of something as small as a paperclip on the ground.

"First one you've seen since Akuze?" he asked carefully, remembering how he had seen Shepard's normally sure and true aim trembling, and her body shaking like a leaf when facing the beast. Years ago, Shepard's entire squad had died in the gnashing mouth of a Thresher and she had been the only one to live. The med reports on the incident that Joker had nosed through during long stretches of space flight had had pictures of the many lacerations she'd suffered. The biggest one was now a scar spanning almost the length of her face. It had been so deep that it was still visible, although faint, even now after the extensive medical repair she'd gone through. Parts of Shepard's right eyebrow were still missing.

Joker had been listening to her down on Tuchanka, and just before she ran out from behind cover, he heard her whisper a few words of prayer between the sounds of her chattering teeth. Shepard looked at him, and suddenly he felt very awkward. He knew that what he was asking was very personal, rather than just smalltalk or harmless complaints. As long as Joker had known her, Shepard had politely declined to talk about Akuze to anyone when she was asked. _But, this is what Kelly said I should do, right? Ask?_ he thought.

"It didn't eat me or my squad this time, so I consider that an improvement. It made a great sound when it fell," she said softly, looking at the walls as they walked. Her thoughts were obviously somewhere else. _Why did she call me down to talk to me if she doesn't know what to say?_ Joker thought silently. _Hypocrite,_ a different part of his mind snapped back.

The Mess was mostly empty at this time of day. Even 'the regulars' were nowhere to be found, Joker noticed.

"So, they _do_ have jobs," he said, gesturing to their favoured corner. Shepard knew what he was talking about, and smiled. She sat down at a table with a blue tray on it. Several silver cans sat on it in a line, and Joker grabbed one without waiting to be invited. "Where do you get this stuff anyway?" he asked, turning the can over in his hand. "It's not the piss water I find out on shore leave."

"I bought some on Earth a while back," she said, and cracked it open. "It's from Canada, where I was born."

"Wait so it's not really old or anything is it?" he asked, looking for an expiration date.

"Well, aren't you cheeky?" She took a swallow and looked at him. "I don't share my personal stores with just anyone, Joker," she added and crossed her legs.

He tugged at the brim of his cap. _Man, I'm an ass today. _

She slowly nursed a single can, watching him down the contents of one as quickly as if he had come straight out of a long stint in a desert.

"Sure, it's not Serrice Ice Brandy or anything, but it's nice enough for an evening and a few laughs with friends. Got sort of a rustic charm to it, I guess," she said, draping one arm over the back of her chair.

"So, how goes it for you, lately?" Shepard asked, twirling her empty can on the table.

"It's fine, you know. EDI could shut up a little more, but other than that, smooth sailing. It's great to fly her again," Joker said. Shepard smiled.

"That's not what I meant," she said as she took her first sip of her second drink. "I meant _you,_ not your job. You."

Joker narrowed his eyes, suddenly all friendly demeanour gone. "Hey, hey, I told you before, my skills aren't affected by my Vr-"

"Don't be ridiculous," Shepard interrupted, coolly countering his sudden defensiveness. "I'm not talking about your medical issues, either. I'm asking after _you._"

Joker leaned back in his seat again as he looked at the woman across from him, trying to figure her out. He tried to think of something to say so he could leave. So he could go away. Something about the expression in her bright green eyes made his insides squirm, leaving him feeling queasy.

"I, well. I should, you know I should probably get to the bridge," Joker let the words fall out of his mouth. "I don't - Uh. You know, I've got things to take care of."

Shepard's expression fell, and she looked hurt, leaving Joker regretting the words as soon as they came out of his mouth. _She's the person with the least amount of time in the galaxy, and she thought she'd use it to talk to you. You're late, you insult what she offers you, and politely tell her to fuck off. Stellar job, Jeff,_ he thought as he looked at her. The silence between them grew so that what was probably no more than a few seconds felt like millennia.

"Joker, look - I know that you're off duty," she said softly, and her hurt expression disappeared, leaving behind nothing but a reserved and professional mask. He immediately felt ashamed and began to fidget. "You don't need to protect my feelings. If you don't want to spend time with me, that's perfectly acceptable."

He swallowed uncomfortably. She was good at appearing as if things didn't affect her, but he knew that flat, masked look. He'd used it a lot himself.

Shepard tilted her head in a concessionary manner. "After all, we both know you're not exactly a social butterfly," she said, looking at him. "I just wanted to talk with you a little, see how you're doing. Make sure nothing's wrong."

"Nothing's wrong? You mean aside from ancient murder machines on a death march towards us and people being poached by giant walking bugs?" Joker said darkly.

"Yeah. Aside from that," she replied, poking the gauze taped to her cheek again.

As Joker looked at her, he felt an arc of electricity surge through him much like the time he'd grabbed a live wire on a dare. The dull kick of the electricity had thudded painfully through his body until he'd ripped his hand away. For some reason Shepard looked lost, as if she were struggling to find the right words and it bothered him in the same way it had bothered him to watch her shake and shudder with fear as she faced down a Thresher Maw.

"It's not that I... well, it's just..." he said and was startled by the sound of his own voice. "I'm not trying to avoid being around you, I just, well -"

"It's just you were trying to avoid being around me?" she said and smiled.

"I don't know," he sighed in defeat, settling back down in his seat. It only occurred to him then that he had partially gotten up to leave. He gestured for another drink. She sent a can sliding at him across the table and he caught it in his open hands.

"I like talking to you. You've always been there when I needed you, and when everything else in my world turned upside down - Hell, I even died - you were right there when I came back. That and, you know... I enjoy your company. You make me laugh," said Shepard.

Joker pulled on the brim of his cap, hoping it hid the heat he could feel creeping across his cheeks. _Yeah. Me, too. You make me laugh, too,_ he thought, but what came out was completely different. "Well, er, yeah don't make a big deal about it," he mumbled.

"Right. So... you're sure nothing's wrong?" she asked, and her tone seemed to be asking for reassurance of some kind. _For comfort. From me._ This puzzled him.

"Yeah. No, nothing's wrong. Anything that's wrong is in a file in the Med Bay, Commander," he said, trying his best to fulfill her unspoken request. She nodded slightly. Joker could feel her eyes on him, and found himself unable to handle the feeling of nervousness that was that was gnawing at the back of his brain. He got up from his seat, retreating a few steps. "I, uh like it when you come by, too. I gotta go. I left my paints out and they're gonna dry," he added awkwardly, gesturing down the corridor. Shepard blinked slowly, as if in acceptance, and said nothing. She leaned back in her seat and returned to looking at the wall straight ahead of her, taking a sip from her drink.

/

Three times he thought of something to say, and three times he hesitated before finally choosing to leave without another word. Halfway down the hall, he stopped. As he leaned his back against it, he looked back at the way he had come. _What just happened?_ Joker thought as he tried to make sense of the conversation. He was both relieved and disappointed to be away from her.

He pushed away from the wall and began the short walk back to his bunk. There was a name for that sickly sweet feeling that overpowered him when he was near Shepard. He knew it all too well, and sighed in disgust. _Infatuation._ This was something he thought he'd already dealt with and had under control.

_ "Oh, come on Alenko," Joker said, rolling his eyes, letting his head loll to one side to look at Kaidan, sat in the right-hand side co-pilot seat. "You don't expect me to believe that. Everyone develops one. It's happened everywhere I've been. You know it's true. Especially zipping around in a closed environment like this for such a long time," he said. Kaidan returned his look for a split second before going back to his typing. Joker grinned. Bullshitting with him was fun._

_ "Well... maybe," Kaidan said finally, shaking his head. "But I wouldn't tell you."_

_ "What? Why not?" Joker asked._

_ "Everyone knows you're a big gossip hound. If I told you, the whole ship would know five seconds later," he answered as he smoothed down his blue uniform. _

_ "Oh, I'm hurt," Joker said with a sly smile. "Don't you think I have a legitimate interest in the affairs of a friend of mine? Go on, tell me. Maybe I'll even be your wing man."_

_ "No," Kaidan answered shortly, and Joker laughed. After a moment, Kaidan smiled too. "There's one way I'll tell you. I'll tell you if you-" he began, but Joker interrupted._

_ "This isn't the old 'if you can do a jumping jack' line again, is it?"_

_ "No. I'll tell you if you offer equivalent exchange."_

_ "Since when did you grow teeth, Kaidan?" Joker asked._

_ "I called you a gossip hound. I never said I don't enjoy a good crew-related story from time to time, myself," he responded coolly. Joker smiled._

_ Kaidan looked at him and paused only momentarily before he said, "That's what it is. You've got a thing for the quarian, don't you?" _

_ "Tali's a good guess, but the whole 'I could kill her with my dick' thing kind of makes me put that on ice," he said, laughing._

_ "That's apparently what attracts some people to quarians," Kaidan said casually, the almost sly expression he made enhanced by the orange glow of the holographic monitors in front of them._

_ "'Some people' like you, Kaidan, I'm guessing, because nobody would've mentioned that otherwise," Joker said flatly._

_ "I- what, no, that's-" Kaidan blurted, flustered. Joker just shook his head and laughed._

_ "Sick, man. That's really sick," he said as he trimmed the Normandy's wings for atmospheric departure._

_ "I'm not really into aliens," Kaidan said, looking down as he entered commands to compensate for drift. "I mean, I like the look of asari sometimes. Who doesn't?"_

_ "You know, you've always been one to set your sights high," Joker mused, and peered across at Kaidan. "Hot-head Williams, per chance? Bet she's a tiger," he said with a chuckle, but Kaidan merely shook his head. He was quiet for a minute._

_ "You're after the Commander, aren't you?" Kaidan said suddenly, though he remained fixated on the computer terminals in front of him. His tone wasn't unfriendly, but it was still different somehow, and it set Joker on edge._

_ "Why are we even talking about this anyway?" Joker deflected, wrinkling his nose with feigned disinterest._

_ "You brought it up," Kaidan said, in his calm, no-nonsense way. _

_ "Minor gravitational spike in the core node, realigning field discs," Joker mumbled, sinking lower in his seat. Nothing else was said the rest of the shift._

Their friendship had never been the same after that. Kaidan never again engaged in idle chat with him, and he hadn't really offered anything in that regard himself, either. Kaidan had given him the cold shoulder, and Joker got the impression from the way he'd completely disengaged from their friendship that Kaidan was afraid of competition for Shepard's attentions. Their conversation had unwittingly made them rivals.

_But what kind of competition am I, really? _he thought.

Kaidan was basically what amounted to being the perfect marine when he needed to be, observant, intuitive and obedient on the battlefield. He was quiet, thoughtful, introspective and good-natured. Physically, he was strong and well-groomed. He was the quintessential tall, dark, and handsome man. _Just the kind of guy, _he figured, _who might be in Shepard's league_. _How can I compare to someone like that?_ Joker thought, dismayed. He caught his reflection in a window overlooking the blackness of space, and took a second or two to look in his own eyes. _I'm a loudmouth, I don't like people, I'm scruffy, pale, and I walk funny. I can fly a ship better than anyone, but what else can I do? _he thought as he took off his cap and ran his hand through his short, but unkempt hair._ I'm a one trick pony. _

He dragged his way over to the bed, gripping one of the bunk's bars. It had been simple. He'd hidden his feelings for a number of reasons. At the time, amongst other things, Joker had feared it would affect his job, and that if the Alliance found out, they would ground him. _But now,_ he thought as he dropped onto the covers. _Cerberus doesn't seem to care. Everybody in Engineering seem pretty aware of what Kenneth and Gabriella are doing. But they just sit around and play with wires or whatever all day. I'm the ship's pilot, and she's the Commander. It 's different. This is just a mess. A big fucking mess._

Joker did not want to feel like this about anyone. The feeling, however, was seductive and he fought hard to ignore it. _Things like this are always trouble,_ he silently reminded himself, furrowing his brow as he stared up at the back of the mattress above him. He lay awake and despite his best efforts, unable to stop thoughts running through his head. He ran through every word he could remember Shepard saying to him, every subtle look and every change in her expression. His mind kept going over distinct possibilites, which eventually became intense fantasies.

"Hey," Kelly's whisper from a few feet away in the bunk across from him was almost inaudible. "You okay?"

"I'm fine," he answered, just as quietly. "Go back to sleep."

He heard the sound of her covers rustle as she turned over, and he was alone once more with his thoughts.


	7. Chapter 7 A Moment

_"It might not be the right time_

_I might not be the right one_

_But there's something about us I want to say_

_'Cause there's something between us anyway"_

_- Daft Punk - "Something About Us" _

One thing Joker liked about having Jacob spot for him was that the man was quiet. Every other day, they would head to the gym near Engineering and Jacob would help him devise ways to build his strength without putting too much stress on his fragile skeleton. Joker's legs were still the biggest problem, but they could handle considerably more stress than before, and so far there hadn't been any bone breaking incidents under Jacob's supervision.

Occasionally, Jacob would say something friendly and encouraging, or simply correct him if he was making a mistake. Recently however, all it had been was light weight lifting and holding the weights in place. Joker lay on his back, on the bench, his shuddering arms holding two heavy hexagonal weights up above his head.

"Can I let go yet?" he asked between clenched teeth.

"No, not yet," Jacob responded, watching dispassionately.

"Look, I know you hate it when I complain but this has been over a minute already," he groaned.

"It's been twenty seconds, man," Jacob replied, shaking his head. He laughed as Joker made a face. "Quit wasting your energy talking and hold them still." He held his hands just under Joker's in case he dropped the weights, adding "You've been getting better." Joker strained, but held firm until Jacob told him he could relax. "Now, hold your arms out to the sides and halfway up. Keep that position for a minute."

The door opened disrupting Joker's concentration. He didn't immediately recognize the person coming in.

"Room's in use," he called out. Joker had purposely blocked out an hour of the gym's time slot. He knew it was selfish, but he hated the idea of people seeing him work out, and had no qualms about being sneaky in order to get the time alone. _God damn these things are heavy,_ he thought as his arms began to shake again with the effort of holding still against gravity. Jacob instructed him to sit up and hold his arms out straight, and as he complied he looked over his shoulder wrinkling his nose in surprise. _Shepard the night owl strikes again_.

She looked as if she had just gotten out of bed. Her clothes were disheveled and she was wearing loose and rather makeshift pyjamas. She placed a thick white towel, a water bottle and what he presumed to be her neatly folded uniform beside a bench, then made her way to one of the bars jutting out from the wall and leapt, catching it in her hands. She began doing chin-ups, and succeeded in roughly ten before she let herself hang from the bar by one arm for a moment, her feet still dangling above the floor. She slipped a hand under her loose, sleeveless white shirt, exposing the gentle curves of her hips and the smoothness of her waist as she dabbed at her forehead momentarily, and Joker found himself watching her intently.

"Let your arms drop for a second, shake them out a bit, then do a few curls and I think you're pretty much done for the day," Jacob said, breaking into Joker's train of thought.

"I dunno, could do some bench presses," he mumbled, and Jacob shrugged.

"Sure, if you want. Just don't go overboard. Your shoulder still sore from the other day?" he asked Joker as he picked up the weights and placed them back on the rack where they belonged.

"It's fine now," Joker replied, sliding off the bench and tucking his feet under a nearby bar to do some sit ups. As he pulled himself up towards his knees, he allowed himself a quick look at Shepard.

He noticed that she seemed a little out of sorts and after finishing her chin-ups, didn't seem to be able to figure out what she wanted to do, wandering from one side of the room to the next. Eventually she settled on punching the stuffing out of a bag hanging from the ceiling. Despite her small stature, Shepard's hits looked inordinately heavy, sending the heavy bag swinging on its chain each time her fist connected. He was pretty sure she'd received many implants during her body's restoration, and thought that the power in her blows might well be thanks to them. He continued his sit-ups, watching covertly as she kicked the bag for several minutes before heading over to pick up her water bottle. As she did so, he saw her look fleetingly in his direction. He looked back, and saw Jacob was doing sit ups as well.

_Oh,_ he thought, and looked back at his knees. _Right._

As Shepard took another swig from her water bottle he thought he saw her glance over again. Joker let himself lie flat on the ground, unable to pull himself up any more.

"I think that was somewhere around sixty?" he asked Jacob, who was busily performing crunches in perfect form.

"Fifty three by my count," Jacob grunted.

Joker reached for his own water bottle, and leaned back on his arms, waiting for Jacob to finish. He found himself watching Shepard again. This time she was on the floor balancing on her hands and toes and arching her body. The position allowed her shirt to slide up, exposing her flat, firm midriff. The sight made him ache in a way that was usually associated with his time on the extranet and he swallowed, looking past her towards EDI's terminal, determined not to be caught staring. After a minute she let out a sound as she dropped back to the ground, and sat up, rubbing the back of her shaven head and looking around.

_Is it wrong to look at her like this? _Joker wondered as he allowed himself to notice the smooth curves of her exposed shoulders and the way they tapered down into her slender figure. If Shepard had had any hair to speak of, it would have been a rich black, judging by the fuzz on her head. She wasn't like other women marines he'd seen. Most were proud of their hair and the Alliance had always given them much more choice in how to wear it. Shepard, though, had always chosen to just shave it all off. It was decidedly odd, but he found the way it emphasized her long neck to be rather attractive. She entwined her fingers, stretching with her hands high in the air as he watched appreciatively.

Jacob finished his sit ups and stood up, making his way to the other side of the room where he began attaching weights to the barbell. Joker gave a final glance towards Shepard as he headed across the room, and their eyes met. She immediately turned her head away pointedly in the other direction. _Ha, _he thought. _Caught you. _A little thrill shot up his spine as he realised that it wasn't Jacob she'd been looking at after all. He grinned asshe grabbed her things, taking obvious care not to look in his direction.

"Hey Commander, why are you leaving so quickly? Afraid to see if I can press more than you?" he called after her jokingly. He meant to catch her off guard.

She hesitated a moment, still looking at the wall. "That a challenge, Joker?" she asked.

"Maybe," he replied. There was a moment of silence. "Oh come on, you're not even _curious_?" She gave him a quick smile but didn't answer, instead wiping her face on her towel and opening the door to the hallway.

/

Shepard wiped her armour's left shoulder guard down with a soft cloth, running her fingers over the knurled plating and down its smooth side, over which a wide stripe was painted. _This place is so different from the Alliance,_ she thought, looking around her quarters. The original _Normandy _had been dimly lit; something Shepard thought befitting for a prototype ship whose specialty was stealth. The clinical shine of its second incarnation was hard to get used to. When she had stepped into her new quarters for the first time, she'd lowered the lighting to remind her a little more of the original; a place where she'd felt very much at home. She felt there was still something a little alien and strange about the _SR2,_ as much as she appreciated its design and effectiveness. There were of course, some things she liked better, such as its spaciousness. She knew Dr Chakwas appreciated her new and improved Med Bay, just as Joker appreciated the additions to the cockpit. _Well, save for EDI,_ Shepard thought. _Thinking of additions to the cockpit, I ought to go up later and see how he's faring with the new monitors._

They were docked at Ilium's main port for the next several days as the ship was fitted with heavy Silaris armour, a protective coating designed by asari. Shepard had been in a good mood and had authorised a few requests for additional equipment that she wouldn't normally have seen as a priority, like new monitors for the cockpit and several pieces of non-essential equipment the salarian doctor had asked for. In addition, she had granted a two day shore leave, so the ship was mostly empty as the fittings took place.

A heavy, repetitive thudding came from the roof above Shepard's head, and she put down her armour. She just didn't know what to do with herself. She couldn't leave the ship unless she gave the deck to Miranda, and her intention was to leave the woman some time outside her office. Shepard felt like a cat in a cage, pacing around the place without aim. She stood up and left her room, irritated by the clamour above.

"EDI, who's on board at the moment?" she directed her question at a little grey box in the hall. A tiny hum sounded and after a moment the spherical shape of EDI hovered above it.

"Executive Officer Lawson, Gunnery Officer Vakarian, Chief Medical Officer Chakwas, Helmsman Moreau, Mess Sergeant Gardner, Ensign Patel, Yeoman Chambers, and Jack are aboard, Commander," EDI's smooth voice echoed slightly in the hallway.

"That's all, huh?" she asked aloud, to nobody in particular. It wasn't as if she had expected everyone to stay aboard, but for some reason she'd expected to hear more names. _Even Samara has gone ashore, she thought with surprise. _She'd figured the endlessly meditative asari of all people would have been one of the most likely to remain aboard.

"Thirty-seven hours, eleven minutes remain of the designated shore leave, Commander," EDI continued.

"Thank you, EDI," she said, and hit the button for the elevator.

Shepard strode to her private terminal, idly looking up to watch the hologram of the Normandy flicker and change into the Galaxy Map. _I hate that it does that,_ she thought. _It's like a bell on a cat's collar. Everyone knows I am around when it changes, and they act differently._ Even though Kelly was the only crewmember present at the moment, the map's subtle fanfare still bothered her. _I wonder what they're like when I'm not around?_ She imagined the crew joking and laughing as they carried out their tasks, suddenly snapping to a rigid, professional silence when the Galaxy Map signaled her arrival on deck. She smiled to herself as she opened her inbox.

"Hello, Commander. Quiet around here, isn't it? I suppose it's nice, in a way," Kelly said giving her a cheerful smile.

"Why aren't you out enjoying the sights, Kelly?" Shepard asked, turning her attention away from her empty inbox to look at the young woman busily typing away on her own terminal.

"Maybe I'll go out later," she replied shrugging a shoulder. "There's plenty of time. To be honest, it's kind of fun staying around here. The few who aren't out on vacation are a lot more relaxed. Including you," she said with another friendly smile. "Well, almost everybody. One guess at who's been complaining about the new monitors he ordered," Kelly said nodding towards the cockpit.

"What? Is there something wrong with them?"

"Not that I can see, but you know how he is," Kelly replied. "His old setup worked just fine. I don't know why he asked you for new ones if he didn't want the displays to look differently."

Shepard smiled softly. "Never make the mistake of trying to understand your pilot, Kelly. They're a special breed," she said and looked off in the cockpit's direction.

"He's been in a surprisingly good mood lately," Kelly said, following her gaze.

"Of course he is. His 'baby' is being upgraded," Shepard responded, rubbing her stiff shoulder.

"I don't know. He wasn't this excited when we got the Thanix Cannons," Kelly mused.

The image of Joker in the gym floated to the surface of Shepard's mind, as it had done several times over the past day or so. From the way he carried himself, she hadn't expected him to be as toned as he'd appeared in his workout clothes. The back of her neck tingled as she recalled the way he'd smirked as he caught her looking at him. Shepard brought her hand up to her mouth and cleared her throat. _He was looking, too,_ she thought for the umpteenth time.

"I wouldn't question his good mood too much. I'm glad he's happy," Shepard said, carefully choosing her words.

"You seem a little distracted," Kelly said, tilting her head concernedly. "Is there anything I can help you with?"

"I'll be just fine," Shepard replied, looking at the Galactic Map with longing. "I think I'm just restless."

"Anxious to get going, Commander? I can rescind the shore leave," Kelly suggested.

"No. The crew need a break, and everyone milling about won't help these upgrades get finished any faster."

"That's true. If you're feeling anxious, maybe you should take advantage of the opportunity right now to go and relax? Miranda hasn't left her office," Kelly said, brushing her hair from her eyes. Above the idle hum of the ship's engines, muffled cursing could be heard from the direction of the cockpit. Both women turned their heads towards the sound.

_Hm,_ Shepard thought. _Sound really carries in here with hardly anyone around._

"That'll be Joker going on about the monitors again," Kelly said aloud.

"Something's probably wrong with them. I'll go see if he wants his old ones back," Shepard replied.

The cussing had quieted into a low growl by the time Shepard arrived, and stood a few feet behind Joker's chair.

"Love them that much, huh?" she said, and he startled.

"Commander," he said politely, though he strained to hide his frustration. "They sent the wrong ones," he added, staring up at the screens and squinting with rage. The displays looked basically the same to Shepard. Orange panels with bright details on them. "These are too wide and thin, and the colour's wrong," he mumbled as he touched a panel, sliding a bar around to play with the hue settings. He sighed in frustration.

"Can't EDI correct it for you?" Shepard suggested, confused.

"Mr Moreau found the settings I chose to be unsatisfactory," EDI chimed in. They both looked at the artificial intelligence's hologram. "He is very particular with his needs. I optimized the screens in accordance with the human eye's optical capabilities."

"They were too bright, EDI," he muttered in response.

"The settings were based on those your previous displays used," EDI responded, and Shepard could have sworn she heard a tone in the AI's voice that might have suggested its patience was wearing thin. Joker shot a look at the flickering blue ball that suggested he heard it too.

Shepard stepped closer and leaned over his shoulder.

"I think I see what you're getting at," she said, looking at a display showing current pressure and temperature of the hull. "The lines are a little hard to see."

"Yeah, I mean don't get me wrong, these are fine if you're not looking at them all the time_, all damn day_ like I will be," he said, looking up at her. Shepard returned his gaze and gave him a friendly, lopsided grin.

"Relax. I got this. We won't leave without the equipment you need," she assured him.

"We have time? These aren't exactly run of the mill."

"Yes, of course. You need monitors that won't make you blind, and we need you," she replied. She paused, waiting for response. When it wasn't forthcoming, she look over and saw that he seemed thoughtful, as if searching for what to say. Although outwardly she remained calm and still, she felt as though butterflies had suddently gotten loose and were flying around in her stomach.

"So, Commander," Joker began."You work out often at night? I can choose another time slot if you want." He shrugged. "Or you know, you could just drop in." He grinned slyly, looking up at her as he leaned back in his seat. "You know, I didn't think you would be able to resist that challenge last night."

She chuckled softly. "Oh Joker, I _do _like you," she said warmly. His grin disappeared as his mocking expression changed to one of astonishment and she realised that she'd spoken out loud. She cleared her throat noisily, feeling her face flush. "Right, well...," she began and stopped as she felt something touch her wrist. Startled, she looked down to discover Joker's hand covering hers. His touch was so light it seemed barely there and he removed it almost immediately. She flushed again, this time with pleased surprise. It had all happened so quickly that she wondered if it really _had_ happened.

Glancing over, she saw that Joker was staring at his keyboard, He shifted in his seat, but said nothing.

"You, er," Shepard blurted. _I can handle hostage situations, mercenary bands, ancient glyphs from a dead race being forcibly imprinted into my brain, I can handle fucking _dying, _but I can't think of what to say to this?_

"Yeah," he replied, continuing to stare intently at his keyboard, his hand reaching up to touch the back of his neck.

"Dinner?" she managed. Joker had mostly retreated from view, but if the reddened tips of his ears were any indication, she guessed he was as flustered as she was.

"Yeah. Yes. Okay," he muttered, looking up at her. Shepard looked at the clock on the glowing orange display.

"Now?" she asked.

"Sure," he said and got up to follow her to the mess.


	8. Chapter 8  Idiosynchrasies

"_Oh no, this couldn't be more unexpected_

_And I can tell I've been moving in so slow_

_Don't let it throw you off too far_

_Cause I'll be running right behind you_

_Could this be out of line?_

_To say you're the only one breaking me down like this_

_You're the only one I would take a shot on_

_Keep me hanging on so contagiously_"

- _Acceptance - "So Contagious"_

Shepard couldn't find the words she needed. Alone in a quiet corner of the mess with Joker seated directly across from her she found her thoughts flicking through her mind, each one as small and quick as a bullet, but none gave her any clue as to what she ought to say. She shifted in her seat hoping her nervousness wasn't as transparent to him as it was to her.

"Not exactly five star cuisine," Joker said as he neatly arranged the greyish broccoli on his plate into a line. "Are you sure these aren't the dextro-amino ones? I'm not sure these are even green," he added, sneering at droopy florets as he stabbed at them.

"It was the finest establishment I could find on such short notice," she replied confused by her own sudden lack of confidence. She couldn't even bring herself to look up at him, so instead she set to work removing bones from her fish filet.

_ I asked him down here to talk, but what am I going to say? Why is it so hard to bring up this... what would I call it? A 'spark?' What if I'm wrong and I'm just misinterpreting things?_ Shepard's thoughts spiraled, each one circling the edge of catastrophe. After a moment, Joker put down his fork.

"Commander, what is it you need to talk to me about? You didn't bring me down here for my endless charm and roguish good looks." Shepard looked up for a second, depositing a few clean bones on her plate. Mindlessly, she grouped the ribs and vertebrae together, sorting them out by size. Joker watched with apparent interest.

"I do that," he said. He sounded amazed. Shepard smiled in confusion.

"Do what?"

"That," he said, gesturing to her plate. Shepard looked at his plate and back to hers, smiling as she realized that both were covered in neatly organized lines of food.

"Well, aren't we a little pair of neurotics," she said and laughed. "So... about what you said earlier, about changing time slots? Uh...in the gym." Joker lifted an eyebrow and tilted his head in confusion.

"Decided you want that one now?" he asked.

"No, I was just meaning to ask. How long have you been working out with Taylor?" She took a mouthful of fish before looking back at him.

"Taylor? You mean Jacob? A few weeks. Why?"

"No reason; I was just curious. So, just a few weeks under a musclehead like him and already you think you can press more than me, huh?" She grinned broadly at him.

"That's right," he replied, crossing his arms and giving her a good-natured smile.

"Well, I don't really do weights. I do martial arts. Kickboxing, things like that."

"Awww... that's not fair!"

"Neither's asking me to benchpress more than you. You've got _twice_ as much muscle mass as I have." Shepard was beginning to relax. She smiled as Joker straightened up in his chair, seeming to appreciate the indirect compliment. _This isn't a big deal. Joker is a friend and has been for a long time. I don't need to worry so much about this._

/

Joker sat back, smiling to himself. _Twice the muscle mass._ He wasn't sure if she'd meant the comment the way it had come out, but it was pleasing all the same. _Maybe I'm not as wimpy as I think I am_. His thoughts drifted back to his action in the cockpit, and he cleared his throat feeling ill at ease once again. It'd been a gut reaction to take Shepard's hand and he'd done it impulsively before his lightning-fast internal censor could stop him. Although Joker couldn't shake the gut feeling that it had been _right,_ the logical part of his mind still questioned the action. _I just touched her hand. It's not like I threw her down and –_

"Would you pass the salt, please?" Shepard asked, interrupting his train of thought. He grabbed the shaker and pushed it towards her. _Maybe I'm imagining things, but..._ It seemed to him as though Shepard's fingers lingered longer than strictly necessary as she took the salt from him.

"Grunt back to smashing things into a pulp only when you tell him to?" Joker asked, desperately trying to get some words in the air to distract him from his thoughts.

"Yes. I'm not really sure how it works, but he seems better now that we've got him inducted into Clan Urdnot. Wrex said it had something to do with puberty. He still seems wound up, though."

"Heh, yeah, I know how he feels," Joker muttered under his breath. It hadn't taken him long to eat his meticulously cut up meal, so he occupied himself with watching Shepard sort her food.

"Yeah, I can't say I'm the most relaxed person at the moment, either," she said with a sigh. "Actually I don't think anyone on this ship feels particularly relaxed. Hopefully being away for a day or two will help." Shepard picked up her mug of tea. "Need I even ask why you didn't take advantage of the shore leave?"

"Well... what if something happened and we had to leave right away? I couldn't have you stuck with some green Cerberus upstart at the helm," he replied and fiddled with the brim of his cap.

"As opposed to a grouchy ex-Alliance upstart?" She followed the words with a friendly laugh. "But really, good answer! I'd sooner kiss a krogan than have anyone else flying her."

"Well, I _am_ the best." he said with a shrug.

"As if you needed to remind _me_ of that." Shepard looked at the bottom of her tea mug, frowning. "I always drink it too fast."

_Other than the fact we have a rather large elephant in the room, this is nice, _he thought. She had finished her dinner and leaned with her cheek on one elbow. He found himself wondering what it would be like to look in her eyes as a lover would and he shifted in his seat, suddenly uncomfortable. _I have to get a grip._

"Um... you know where to get the monitors from, right?" he asked, shifting topics abruptly as much to distract himself from his previous thoughts as to find a way to keep the conversation going.

"I've got an idea or two. They are specialist equipment but it's not like they're impossible to find. We were shipped the wrong set but I'm sure it won't take long to organize a replacement."

"Right."

"Don't worry so much, Joker," Shepard said softly. He looked up to see that she'd slid her chair back from the table and was sitting in a relaxed posture with her arm draped over its back. He studied her, his eyes noting her long, elegant neck and the graceful way that her head tilted to one side. _She looks...what's the word...__delicious__. _He licked his lips, wondering if this was how Kaidan had seen her and a spark of jealousy shot through him. _Shepard tenses up every time Kaidan's name is mentioned._ _How far did their relationship go?_ That had been the one thing he never tried to nose around in, but now he almost wished he had.

Kaidan had clearly been important to Shepard, although Joker wasn't sure how far the relationship had gone. As he pictured them together, he felt his chest tighten painfully. The feeling surprised him somewhat, for he recognized it for what it was; a pang of envy.

He and Shepard had talked frequently on the _SR1_ and he'd begun to like her almost immediately. He'd even told her all about his bone disease, something he normally hated disclosing, but he'd told _her _primarily because he'd felt he could trust her. He'd looked forward to her post-mission visits then just as he did now. Over time the friendliness he felt for her had deepened into something warmer and more affectionate. There had been a time when he'd even entertained the thought of telling Shepard how he felt, but he talked himself out of it, telling himself that even if fraternization hadn't been prohibited, she would never look at him when there were other, healthier men to choose from. And then when rumours on the ship started flying about Kaidan and her... he'd simply buried his head in the sand._ I was jealous.._. _Fuck. I still __am__ jealous._

"You never answered me, Commander," he blurted. _Shit, is this the best I've got?_

"Hmm? Answered you? About what?"

"You never told me why it is you asked me down here," he said. _Because it sure as hell wasn't about gym slots. _Shepard swung her arm off the back of her seat and sat forward, a little closer to him. Not so close as to invade his space, but enough that he noticed.

"Well..." she visibly paused, her eyes darting left and right over the tabletop. "We've served together for quite some time now. We've been through a lot of things together and we've talked quite a bit. Yet, over the last week or so, I've noticed that you seem uncomfortable around me. You've been... worried about me even. And just a little while ago you took my hand. For someone who doesn't like people very much, that seemed kind of... I don't know... concerned? So, I thought we might have something to talk about. Do we?"

Joker swallowed. _I - come on, say something!_

"It was just an accident," he said in a tone he hoped was sufficiently nonchalant, while pulling his cap lower over his eyes.

"Wow, Joker. It didn't really _feel_ like an accident. I thought with all your finely tuned piloting skills, you'd have better motor control than _that." _Shepard turned her head, giving him a coy look.

"Uh, well..."

"What was the name of that green Cerberus upstart you mentioned earlier? Might be prudent to have him on hand if you've got a case of the wild shakes." Shepard crossed her arms, smiling slyly. Joker knew when he'd been defeated.

"Alright, alright. You've made your point, Commander. I had... a _human_ moment. Don't tell Chambers."

"Well, whatever it was, Joker... it was nice." He could see Shepard looking at him and trying to catch his eyes. "I suppose that's why I asked you to dinner," she said, and Joker could've sworn there was a note of nervousness in her words. He wanted to tell her that he wanted to do it again. He wanted to tell her that he wanted to do a _lot_ of things. His mind froze. _If I tell her the truth, will she laugh? That would be the worst. No. Can't risk it._

"Don't get too excited about it. It doesn't mean anything."

"Okay," Shepard said in that practised and calm way of hers. She blinked and straightened up. _Dammit_. _Did I just upset her? Try again._

"Well yeah it was human, but it doesn't mean what you think it means," he added. _Great._

"All I said was that it was nice." Shepard said. She shrugged, her lips stretching into a thin, unhappy smile. _Damn. I __did__ hurt her feelings._ Joker didn't know what to do with the knowledge or how to fix things, so he simply continued talking.

"Please, Commander, forget about it. And I'm serious; don't tell Chambers, she'll have a field day with proof that I'm not a cyborg."

"It's our little secret," she said, winking at him. _Christ. _Joker bit his lip.

"Well, on that note, Joker, I think I am going to retire. For the first time in a long while, I've got some downtime. I think I plan to watch some vids and sleep." Shepard rolled her shoulder and winced. It looked a little stiff. He imagined gently working out the stresses in her body with his hands, pressed up against her in her quarters, the soft, dynamic flickering of an unwatched movie in the background as the only illumination.

"Vids, eh? What you thinking of watching?" he asked. Shepard smiled.

"I'm not sure yet. Probably this _Blasto_ I keep hearing about. Or that asari film. Whatever strikes my fancy, I suppose. Any recommendations?"

"I get a feeling that _True Blue _stuff might be too soap-opera for you. What was it you said that night a while back about that_ Palaven Days _show?" Joker asked, recalling Shepard's outburst fondly.

"That I wouldn't watch it with a batarian's eyeballs." Shepard shook her head as she stood up.

"Garrus didn't look too pleased," Joker said, grinning.

"He was too busy watching to notice the _real _content of the show, which was nothing, except for repeated shots of those gnarly things turian females have on their hips," she said with a smile. "I'll see you tomorrow," she added, and walked away, her boots clicking loudly as she walked.

"Yep, goodnight."

/

Joker held the Mako model firmly in his left hand, deftly using the fine blade of the crafting knife to cut out a chunk of the nose. He leaned into the light of the tiny lamp next to his knee as he carefully shaped the dent he had made in the little vehicle's hull. His mind swam with thoughts. From details about how best to streamline his dashboard screen displays or how the new batch of coffee beans tasted a little different, to the conversation earlier he had with Shepard, he found it impossible to relax and concentrate. _Business as usual lately,_ Joker thought as he tried to recall a time recently when he'd had a clear head. As he flicked plastic debris away, movement caught his eye and he looked up to see Kelly packing a small bag.

"Going somewhere?" he asked,not taking his eyes off the model Mako. He wanted it to look just like the one the _SR1_ had carried and was trying to remember just where all the old scratches were. After a moment of careful pondering, he made another precise nick.

"Hmm?" Kelly answered absent-mindedly before turning around. "Oh, yes. I'm going to go do a little sightseeing. You should come with me! It would be fun!"

"Nope!" he answered in an exaggeratedly cheerful tone.

"You know, whenever we have shore leave, you never take it. It makes me wonder sometimes. Isn't there anyone you'd want to spend time with?"

He glanced at her sharply. "Nope. Can't stand people. I'm just glad they're gone for a little while. That's all the shore leave I need."

"It just seems like it'd be lonely not to have anyone to talk to besides EDI," she said packing a few shirts into her bag.

"I thought you were going sightseeing. Why are you packing? And how many shirts do you _need_? You're only going for a few hours, aren't you?"

"I'm going to a resort for the night. In any case, I like to be prepared," she said quietly. "Anyways, it's just that I notice that in the mess you tend to look at everyone else a lot, but you sit by yourself. It seems like you want to be with them."

"No. Where I want to be is at my table, away from them. If I wanted to sit with them, I would." Joker placed the sheath over his knifeblade and began twirling it.

"I know you like your alone time. I just think that maybe you ought to use this time to really - you know - spend time with people who aren't on duty. You went to the mess alone with Shepard, didn't you?" she asked, flicking some hair from her eyes. "Did you two chat about anything?"

"Why is it always a game of Twenty Million Questions with you, Kelly?" Joker snorted.

"I'm just curious -"

"It's not really any of your business. But for that record you're always keeping, we didn't talk about much." Joker picked up a tiny brush, dipping it in grey paint which he began applying to the model in front of him.

"I've always wanted to know Shepard better. What's 'not much?'" she asked, pulling pulled the bag's drawstring cord tight.

"If you want to get to know her better, go talk to her yourself."

"That bad, huh? Well, at least she took you aside to tell you off," she said, shrugging her shoulder.

"She didn't tell me off."

"Oh, I _see,_" she said, and Joker cringed at her sing-song voice. "So, are you going to go on a date with the Commander again, then?"

"A date with...? Don't be stupid. That wasn't a date, she just wanted to ask me about something," Joker said and realised he'd said too much. There was no way Kelly would let that go.

"Ask you about what?" she asked, true to form.

"Hey aren't you _going_ somewhere?" he asked irritably. Kelly only laughed.

"Not a date, you say?"

"No. It wasn't," Joker grunted. "She just asked me how I was, that's all."

Kelly slung her bulging bag over her shoulder and turned to look at him.

"Sometimes, I really wonder how someone so incredibly smart can be so _unbelievably _blind," she said with a sigh. She leaned against her bunk, smiling softly.

Joker clenched his teeth as electric heat jolted through him. _Condescending bitch!_ "What's that supposed to mean?" he snapped.

She looked at him coolly. "Let me put it this way. I think Shepard might need someone to talk with; someone who's close to her, right now." She stared past him, her expression softening into one of concern. "Haven't you noticed those dark circles under her eyes? She's under a _lot_ of pressure."

_Yeah,_ he thought, and placed the model down on his cutting board. _Yeah, I have noticed them. She's looked so tired lately, and there was that time the other day when she looked like she was going to fall down outside her quarters_.

"We're all under pressure," he replied.

"Has she ever been under this much before, though?"

"Shepard became the first human Spectre agent and tracked down and exterminated Saren. She knows pressure and she can handle it." His body tensed and he noticed he was feeling strangely protective of Shepard. _It almost feels like discussing her with Kelly is talking behind her back. It feels almost disloyal; wrong even_.

"Relax, Joker. I'm not saying that she can't handle it, just that she could use a close friend to share that with. Surely you've noticed that any time she gets a spare minute, she goes to see _you._ Not Garrus, not Chakwas, not me. I haven't known her nearly as long as you have, but..." Kelly looked around and behind her to ensure no one was listening, "I think she _likes_ you, Joker - more than a little, and certainly more than as just a good friend and well, I can't blame her." She winked playfully at him.

Joker's mind worked rapidly to digest this information, "Come _on_, Kelly. Shepard just likes to know her crew. She talks to everyone alone every now and then. She's always been that way; Shepard just _gives a fuck_, you know? There's really no reason to think she thinks that way about _anyone_. Except maybe Alenko."

"Yes, and how did that go on Horizon? Do you know?" Kelly asked, leaning against the wall with her bag over her shoulder. Joker shrugged.

"She told me it didn't go well."

He saw Shepard once again, standing next to him in the cockpit, surprisingly tense given his rather innocuous question.

"He's moved on. I can't blame him." Her fists clenched tightly, her face hard with anger and looking as if she were about to burst into tears. She turned her face to the side, looking away.

He felt himself wanting to reach out to touch her; comfort her. He noticed that he felt somewhat guilty, for although he knew it was wrong, the news gave him a little flutter of selfish glee. _The meeting didn't go well._ He didn't know whether it'd been Kaidan or Shepard that had ended the relationship, but all the same he was pleased to know that she was single again. He looked at his console, rapidly flicking through the screens as he resisted the opportunist's grin he felt threatening to emerge. _I really am such a fucking asshole_, he thought and flushed, glad that she was working so hard to regain composure that she didn't notice his reaction. Still, even though feeling somewhat ashamed of himself he noticed that the sneaky, pleased feeling remained. He found himself flushing once again and realized that Kelly had continued talking.

"Things are often a lot simpler than they seem. She's known you for a while and has a laugh with you whenever she can. She asks you to dinner, alone. Working that out isn't nearly as complicated as flying a ship, Joker.. What are you going to do if she _does_ have feelings for you?"

"Nothing." He looked down at the model in front of him. "The extranet and I are an item," he added airily.

"You don't fool me, Joker. Remember when I told you that you talk in your sleep?" Kelly asked casually. He looked up, alarmed. "I'll not _bore_ you with the details, but let's just say that I _know_ things."

Joker rolled his eyes.

"And I know that you _think_ you know," he sneered, pulling the bill of his cap down low over his eyes and picking up his model again. "So, go enjoy your excursion outside already. What are you standing around here for, Miss Shrink of the Year?"

"You really do talk a lot in your sleep, you know," she said. He gave no answer, making a show of dipping his brush into into one of the paint pots on the cutting board.

"She won't wait forever, Joker."

"_Goodbye,_ Kelly."


	9. Chapter 9 Break Through

_"Talk to me then whisper gently what you're doing to me_

_I can't seem to take this blindfold off_

_Hear me out with just your hands, tell me you're intrigued_

_Please use future tense when talking to me"_

_- Anchor & Braille - "Like Steps in a Dance"_

Shepard placed her gym bag on one of the many unused crates littering the corner of the Forward Battery and sat down, crossing her arms as she watched her friend, Garrus tap at a console. There were many things that she had learned about turian body language from spending time with him and their unique physiology fascinated her. She'd learned to recognize the meanings behind the ways in which turians positioned their heads when addressing another, and when Garrus tilted his head as she entered the room, she knew it to be a gesture of greeting towards a superior. She'd also learned to interpret other clues such as the movements of the large, flat mandibles at the sides of their bifurcated beak-like mouths. It had been difficult to differentiate at first, but a quick flare of the mandibles could be an expression of surprise, aggression, fear, or even a smile. Once Shepard had learned what to look for, she'd found turians easier to read than humans. She also loved the unusual sounds they made when speaking and their eyes reminded her of eagles. _Eagles, and dinosaurs,_ she thought as she caught a glimpse of Garrus' long and pointed teeth lying partially exposed under his mandibles.

He swung his long head in her direction momentarily before returning to his screen, his three fingered hands typing soundlessly.

"Shepard. You're up late. Need me for something?" he asked.

"I just thought I'd stop in and see how you're doing."

"I'm alright. I've been preparing a test fire pattern of the Thanix cannons to be used when we next orbit a suitably low risk planet," he said, flaring his mandibles in a turian smile. "These calibrations I'm doing day in, day out do serve _some_ function, I assure you." Shepard smiled in return.

"I'll have to see that, and not just to give the CO's stamp of approval! Some days it's just nice to see something make a giant smoking hole in something else," she said with a sigh. Garrus turned from his console, his feet making a loud scraping noise on the steel floor.

"You're really here to ask about how I'm dealing with what happened with Sidonis, I imagine," he said and fluttered his mandibles in a manner that suggested politeness. "I... It's... I think you made the right decision, Shepard. He turned himself in to C-Sec for the murders of my team, but..." Garrus shook his head, his eyes hardening. "They don't know what to do with him because it all happened on Omega, outside their jurisdiction."

"_Something_ will be done with him, and this way you didn't sink down to his level. I know that you wanted him dead, but now he has a chance to do something with himself. Taking away more life doesn't absolve what he did," Shepard said quietly. Garrus cocked his head quizzically, seeming to consider this for a moment.

"I know you're right, Shepard. I still can't help feeling a little bloodthirsty, though. Look, if it's... all right with you, I think I'd like to change the subject."

"No problem. I'm headed to the gym in a minute, you want to take a break and come with me? It's long after shift," Shepard suggested.

"You know, I think I just might. Do you mind if I meet you in about an hour?"

"An hour, Garrus? My slot's only for half an hour. Now or never."

"I can't leave my work unfinished. It'll have to be some other time."

"Alright, have it your way," Shepard said smiling at him as she slid off the crate where she'd been sitting. She picked up the gym bag, slinging it over her shoulder and headed towards the door. She heard Garrus trill a friendly goodbye. "Don't forget to save that test fire until I can come see it!"

Shepard looked out a nearby window to watch the flickering blue wisps of mass effect fields dance on a background of stars. Things were slowly getting better. More and more people had come to join her crew; something which left her feeling pleased and satisfied. It had been hard to gather them all, but at the very least in this moment she was confident that with effort and a little bit of luck, they stood a chance against the looming threat of the Reapers. Shepard's dogged determination to see the mission through to success had invaded every corner of her mind. She was tired of having dreams in which everyone she cared for were taken away by brown insect-like aliens for some unknown purpose. For one thing, the dreams disrupted her sleep. Yawning, she opened the gym door.

The room was lit dimly, the lights in the hallway filtering in through windows in the walls. Distractedly, Shepard ignored the light switch and went to bench next to a sink. She rustled around in her bag for her water bottle, popping the cap to fill it before looking around. The gym was empty, as she had expected, and she let out a heavy sigh, glad to be by herself. She reached up, undoing the buttons on her stiff jacket and preparing to take it off when the door to the changing room opened.

"'_Won't wait forever,' what's that supposed to mean anyway, it's not like we're going anywhere_," she heard Joker mutter sourly, heading for the door.

She jumped, startled at the intrusion. "Joker, what are you doing here? And what are you talking about? Is something wrong?" she asked, looking at him over her shoulder as her jacket dropped onto the bench.

"C-Commander," he stuttered, surprised. "You're here early."

She smiled at him, shaking her head. "No, you're just leaving late," she replied and rubbed her her shoulder. "Although I suppose it is so late that it counts as early."

"Right." He cleared his throat, giving her a wry smile as he came a few steps closer. "Coming to practise your presses in secret, huh?"

"Of course. I'll have to if I'm going to beat you." She looked down, rummaging in her bag and eventually pulled out a towel.

"It's all right, I'll beat Grunt first. That'll give you more time to prepare," he replied.

She looked up and started to realize that he had continued to move closer to her as he spoke. Startled by the sudden intrusion into her personal space she took a step back asking, "What's on your mind?"

"Um, Commander..." He paused, taking a deep breath before continuing. "I... kind of... the other night. Um... I didn't mean what I said, you know? About it not meaning _anything._"

It took a few seconds for his meaning to sink into place and when it did, she found herself feeling confused. _So if his expressions of concern, his touching my hand __did__ mean something… _She glanced at him and saw that he looked far more serious than usual, all traces of his usual mischievousness gone. She watched as he cast a sideways glance towards the door and then looked back at her. "What did it mean, then?" she asked, breaking the silence.

He seemed to be studying her; trying to gauge her reaction to his words. She looked back at him with a slight smile and he reached out to pick up her hand. Her heart began pounding as continued to look at him, but she didn't pull her hand away. He wavered for a moment - whether because his balance was unsteady or he was simply feeling unsure of himself – wasn't clear, but she didn't care instead remaining stock still to see what would happen.

He placed a hand on her shoulder, pulling her towards him. "Well, you know Commander, I'm not much of a people person but I make an exception for you."

Shepard tilted her head slightly, her forehead bumping into the bill of his cap."Oh, really?" she whispered.

"Yeah," he said and clumsily pressed his lips to hers.

Their arms slid around each other almost involuntarily as they stood locked in place. Then he broke off the kiss, stepping back to look at her and as her eyes met his she saw that he was smiling at her. A warm feeling flooded her chest and her heart began to pound so loudly she was sure he could hear it.

"Shepard, I don't know if you-" he began, but she cut him off, placing her arm around his neck and leaning into him as she reached up to kiss him in return. _This feels right,_ she thought and felt him pull her tightly against him. They stayed in that position for what seemed like several minutes and when the kiss ended, she noticed that her throat felt dry.

He seemed to feel similarly for he cleared his throat before starting to say, "Shepard, I..."

"You don't always have to talk, Joker," she replied. _Now it all makes sense. You behaving a little odd, being a little more concerned... it makes sense. __This__ makes sense._

"It's not that, it's just basically the most inconvenient time ever for me to be called up to the cockpit, but my shift's starting," he said, looking off to the side. Shepard stepped back from him.

"Of course," she said, "go on, we'll talk later." She seated herself on the bench, watching Joker leave. _I... am going to go back to my quarters. I need to think about this for a minute._

/

Shepard entered her quarters and leaned back against the door, looking across the room at the light that crisscrossed the ceiling, bounced off the wall and into the enormous fish tank. As she stared, she thought about what had just transpired in the gym. Memories of Joker flicked through her mind, each one as if it were a photograph. She recalled their intial conversation, his suspicions of her as just one more superior officer slowly dissolving over time and turning into friendly rapport. With fondness, Shepard recalled his deep concentration as he maneuvered the ship, his playful sarcasm and his roundabout ways of encouraging her even in the most difficult times.

She recalled their conversation after that dreadful day on Horizon. "I'm always here for you," he'd said. "Up here, with my things." _And you'll never know how grateful I am for that,_ she thought, smiling to herself. Her breath caught in her throat as she remembered the warm feeling of his arms around her. She couldn't lie to herself; the gesture – and all it might mean - was unexpected, but it wasn't unwelcome. Again and again she relived the moment, only disturbed from her reverie when she noticed the blinking light on her personal terminal.

She pulled her chair up to the small computer at the corner of her desk and tapped in her password, idly running her hand across her closely shaven head. One new e-mail. _Hope it isn't from Morlan._

_Sender: Alenko, K "."_

_ Recipient: Shepard, B "."_

_ Subject: About Horizon..._

Shepard suddenly felt as if she had swallowed a chunk of ice the size of a bowling ball. She stared at the subject line for what felt like eons before opening the message. At first, she couldn't read it for her eyes were too full of stinging tears. She swallowed hard, trying to suppress them. _After what you said to me on Horizon, why are you e-mailing me?_ _Why would you send me a note __now__? Who do you think you are?_ Shepard bit her lip and began to read.

She sat staring at the words one by one absorbing them as best she could. Her throat grew painfully tight as she tried to hold back her tears but she couldn't stop them from rolling down her cheeks. _You're sorry for what you said? ... Your friends talked you into going out with some doctor, but it's 'nothing serious?' What does 'nothing serious' mean? ... Do I even remember the night before Ilos? ... Of course I remember. How could I forget? ... When things settle down... You don't know. What? You don't __know__? __What__?_ Shepard's thoughts were disjointed as she read the letter again and again, trying to find hidden meaning in his words.

_Kaidan, why didn't you come get me?_ Even as the thought came to mind she knew it was futile. _You know I wouldn't be with Cerberus if I had a choice. When you heard I was alive, why didn't you come and get __me__? Rank and file be fucked, I would have come for __you__. _Shepard turned her head to stare at the picture frame a few feet away. In the picture, he looked just as he had the night before they had landed on the remote planet, Ilos. They'd made love that night and for weeks after it had been all she could think about. The memory of that night - and the feelings it engendered - were painful; - like fresh wounds in her mind. Her feelings for Kaidan hadn't changed – she loved him and when he had pulled away from their brief embrace; rejecting her, it had cut her to the core. He'd called her a traitor, implying that he didn't love her anymore. _You can't just take back those things you said. 'I'm sorry for saying it' doesn't fix it. Nothing will fix it_, she thought angrily but despite these thoughts, she reached out and took the picture frame from the desk, cradling it in her lap.


	10. Chapter 10 A Kind of Understanding

_"I used to think that when this was all over_

_You might feel different 'bout me_

_Yeah I always knew, one day you'd come around_

_Now I wonder if dreams are just dreams"_

_- Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers - "Letting You Go"_

Shepard strode towards the briefing room, her eyes hard as she stared straight in front of her. She'd discreetly pushed the staff meeting forward an hour from its normal time, citing half truths about workload as the reasoning behind the schedule change. She knew she didn't really need to explain herself, but she'd always tried to be transparent in her authority. She smoothed down her jacket and pressed the release on the door which opened with a soft hiss to reveal her four department heads standing around an oblong table. Miranda Lawson, Mordin Solus, and Jacob Taylor each gave her a brief salute, while Tali'Zora simply bowed her head in Shepard's direction. She nodded curtly in return before going to her own place at the table where she stood stiffly, her hands behind her back looking at them inquiringly for several seconds before saying in rather clipped tones, "Report, please. Who wants to start?"

After a brief silence Jacob spoke up, "The upgraded armour systems that were installed work without a problem, Commander. It should really help us in case we run into weapons of the calibre we've seen on the Collector vessel." Shepard nodded, her eyes flicking to Miranda.

"I have the financial reports and audits available for your review Commander," her Executive Officer said. She brushed her long, black hair over her shoulder as she spoke. _Why doesn't that woman ever tie her hair back?_ Shepard wondered irritably before being distracted by the slightly distorted sound of Tali's voice.

"We are currently discharging the electrical buildup into Xamarri, and I believe Garrus suggested that this planet may be a good one to test his new firing algorithms on, Commander."

"Good. I'll see him shortly," Shepard replied curtly, turning to look at Mordin.

The salarian twitched, his eyes darting around as he spoke. "Have some ideas. Working on improvement for Collector swarm protection technology. In spare time, studying treatments for various ailments onboard. New equipment more than satisfactory. Indeed, the differences are -"

"Where is Dr Chakwas?" Shepard interrupted.

"She's with a patient, Commander," Miranda responded, a flicker of confusion, or concern perhaps - Shepard wasn't sure - crossing her face.

"Right. Well everything seems on track for the day. I've got a lot of work to do. I'll be in my quarters. I'll be reviewing the purchase orders you sent me, Miranda, and I will return them to you shortly. Alright, everyone dismissed. Carry on." Shepard turned on her heel and headed out into the hallway.

/

Miranda's eyes tracked Shepard as she left the room. _She seems upset._ Keeping her eyes on the closed door, Miranda waited until she was sure that Shepard was gone before looking inquiringly towards Jacob. He shrugged his shoulder and looked back with a confused frown.

"Has anybody else noticed that the Commander seems a little... _distracted_ today?" asked Tali, twisting her hands, her white eyes behind the semi-opaque glass of her helmet seeming to focus on the closed door. Tali's eyes always unsettled Miranda. She could never really tell where the quarian was looking.

"She is usually a lot more interested in the fine details,"Jacob said returning Miranda's look.

"Indeed. Seems focus is elsewhere. Showing signs of stress," added Mordin.

Miranda thought for a moment, her hand straying to her hip as it often did at such times. "That was odd, I've never known Shepard to be so abrupt," she said aloud . _Come to think of it some of the crew did mention Shepard being short with them today._ She'd seen an e-mail earlier in the day from Kaidan Alenko. At one time he and the Commander had been close. Miranda was aware that they had run into each other on on Horizon and that words - unpleasant ones - had been exchanged and she wondered whether the e-mail was contributing to Shepard's current mood. Miranda turned her attention back to the group. "Some correspondence came through earlier today that may have concerned the Commander. You three had best head back to your stations. I'm sure there's no problem but I'll look into it just in case."

A half hour later, Miranda was back in her office waiting for Kelly Chambers to arrive. Given Kelly's role as Shepard's administrative assistant, Miranda was quite sure that Kelly had seen Commander Alenko's email as well, which left her feeling more comfortable about their upcoming discussion. _At least I won't be breaching more of Shepard's privacy. _The door chime rang and she pressed the button immediately allowing the fresh-faced yeoman to come in and take a seat in front of the desk.

"Hello Miss Lawson. It's not often I get to see you in your office. What can I do for you?" Kelly asked cheerfully.

"Yes, it's a shame there aren't more hours in the day. I trust you're well?" Miranda smiled pleasantly. She liked Kelly. She seemed proud to work for Cerberus and the yeoman certainly had a way with others that was easy to appreciate. Miranda had noted the ease with which she'd gotten to know the aliens onboard, something Miranda herself found challenging.

"Of course, Miss Lawson," Kelly replied, folding her hands on her lap.

"Let me cut to the chase. I'm under the impression that the Commander's not really had a great day today. She seemed a little... abrasive in our staff meeting just a few minutes ago. Normally I'd just ignore it but I've also heard a few of the crew commenting on her abruptness. I was just wondering whether she'd mentioned anything to you about what could be affecting her?"

"Not directly. But I've noticed it as well. She's just been on edge all day; it's very unlike her."

Miranda leaned back in her seat, crossing her arms. "I noticed she received an e-mail from Kaidan Alenko earlier today."

"Yes, she did." Kelly said. "I didn't read the letter myself, but I'm pretty sure Shepard still has some strong feelings for last time I saw her act this way was after she'd run into him on Horizon. But, I'm sure she'll be fine in the morning. People like Shepard recover quickly."

"I agree." Miranda leaned forward, propping her forearms on her desk, the movement sending her hair swinging forward across her face. "Even so, Shepard's under a lot of stress and it might be worth mentioning it to Doctor Chakwas; just to make her aware. Will you take care of that?" Miranda pushed her hair back and looked at Kelly.

"Of course," Kelly said with a smile. "Was that all you needed?"

"That's all, yes. Thank you yeoman."

/

Shepard twirled a pen in her fingers as she read over yet another of the countless audits. She reached unthinkingly for her coffee cup, only to find it empty which annoyed her. But before she could get up and refill it, she was distracted by a beep from her omnitool. Bringing her left arm up, she tapped in a code to retrieve the message. _Looks like Doctor Chakwas wants to see me, _she thought and pushed away from her desk. _As good a time as any._ Shepard reached out and grabbed her empty cup, heading for the elevator. It had been a long day.

As she stepped out of the elevators, she felt a brief rush of anticipatory excitement rapidly followed by mild disappointment. _If there is one thing I hate about this place, it's that the layout is the same_, she thought sourly. Even though the space in front her was now Gardner's kitchen, her mind's eye saw it as it used to be, with Kaidan busily working at his terminal, and her throat tightened at the memory. She quashed the thought and strode to the coffeemaker, figuring a hot coffee might make her feel better. Just as she put out her cup, a voice came from behind her, and she startled.

"Hey, Commander." Shepard half turned to face the speaker.

"Hello, Joker. Off shift?" she asked although she already knew the answer.

"Yeah. Hey, I was thinking –"

"I can't right now," she said softly and without turning around.

"I just thought since you turned up and went to the coffee machine maybe you had a second?"

"Doctor Chakwas wants to see me. Else I'd still be up in my quarters filling out reports," she replied flatly. Shepard paused, then turned her head to look at him over her shoulder. "I'm later?"

"Right. Sure, Commander," he said somewhat dejectedly, and she heard him head off. Shepard sighed. She _wanted_ to talk with Joker and knew she needed to, but now just wasn't a good time. She picked up her coffee and headed towards Medbay where she could see Dr Chakwas through the glass windows.

Shepard stepped inside, blinking at the bright lights of the clinical room. As their harsh glare struck her, she noticed she had a headache. "Everything all right, Doctor Chakwas?"

"Just fine, Commander. Do have a seat," Dr Chakwas said, gesturing to a chair near her own. Shepard obliged. "And how are _you_, today?" she asked.

Shepard looked at her. "I'm... alright. I'm not having the best time of it today, to be perfectly honest."

"What seems to be the matter?" Chakwas inquired. She was one of the very few to whom Shepard had disclosed the extent of her relationship with Kaidan.

She paused for a moment. "I received a message from Kaidan early this morning," Shepard explained. "It's... not the easiest thing for me to discuss. But it's been on my mind."

"Yes, Kelly came in earlier saying you looked as if you might be feeling upset. How is Kaidan?"

Shepard crossed one leg over the other, leaning on the desk.

"I'm not exactly sure how he is," she replied. The doctor took a sip from a cup of tea, her brows rising in surprised confusion as she looked back at Shepard.

"Why do you say that?"

"He wasn't very... specific about that in his letter. He was vague and offered a pretty weak apology given what he said on Horizon. I don't understand why he sent me anything at all, really."

Dr. Chakwas' noted that the muscles jumping in Shepard's jaw. _She's clenching her teeth. Bad sign. _ "He apologised? Why do you feel that his apology was weak?"

"Just saying, 'I'm sorry for the things I said' doesn't really cut it for me. It seems so... insincere? I'm not sure exactly. Then he went on to say his friends had convinced him to date some doctor or other on the Citadel and that he was awfully confused at having seen me again. I guess… I just expected more from him." Shepard sighed. "I suppose I expected that if he was going to say anything to me at all, it'd be a lot less wishy-washy than what ended up in my inbox."

Chakwas fell silent, and seemed be considering this. Finally she said, "To play the devil's advocate for a moment, I can't think it was easy for Kaidan to write that letter. Is there anything he could have said that you would have felt was satisfactory?"

"Yeah. Yeah, there are a couple of things. Kaidan's always been one to leave himself a way out of anything by being vague and evasive though, and that's what I feel he's done here."

"That's possible," Chakwas conceded. "Although perhaps it was he who was leaving _you_ a way out?"

Shepard looked at her in astonishment. _Could_ Kaidan have been trying to protect _her? Maybe he was. _She tried to put herself in his shoes. _What would I have done if __he__ had died and spontaneously risen from the grave as the expensive pet of some terrorist organisation?_ She stared intently at the surface of the desk as if examining it for fingerprints. _I would feel fear, even some level of revulsion. But the desire to __understand__ would outweigh that... wouldn't it? I can make an educated guess at my own reactions, but I suppose I'll never know for sure ._ Shepard wondered what Kaidan been doing during the time that she'd been being rebuilt from a pile of charred bones and desiccated flesh.

"It's still hard for me to get my head around the fact that it's been two years for everybody else. To me, it's as if I woke up the next day. Life went on without me for two years. I understand that, but I don't _feel_ that. The words make sense, but the reality somehow doesn't measure up. So you're right. Maybe I'm being too hard on Kaidan by being so angry at him. He _had_ to go on and make a new life for himself... it's what people do. Perhaps it really _is_ too much to expect him to have waited… or have said what I wanted him to say." Shepard looked out the Medbay window towards the mess hall as she spoke, and blinked, her eyes filling with tears. "It's unreasonable of me to think that he would act like he did two years ago." As she spoke, something shifted inside; spurred by the sudden memory of the kiss she'd shared earlier with Joker. "In fact, now I'm not even so sure that I still want him to. Maybe that's part of why I'm upset. Change can be difficult to accept sometimes." Shepard looked up to meet the other woman's eyes and saw that the doctor was listening intently.

"What kind of changes?" she asked finally.

"Feelings change, relationships change, and not always for the better no matter how much we want them to. Maybe it's for the best that I let all this go and just see what happens later."

"That's true. So are you saying that perhaps it's best to leave things as they are with Kaidan?" Dr. Chakwas asked.

"It's something to consider at the very least, in any case." She smiled. "Thanks for listening. I will be just fine. There are far more important things to worry about," As she spoke her voice began to regain its authoritative edge. Something inside her felt a little better for having confided her thoughts and feelings to another living being. In a way it was a gift, for it wasn't often that she had a shoulder to cry on. More often than not it was the other way around.

"I know you'll be fine, Commander. I will say that because of the kind of mission we're on, you may want to find the time to give this issue the attention it deserves."

"I understand what you're saying." Shepard watched the crew outside the window again. "However, I'll be just fine. Everything will get dealt with in time. I'm sure someday soon I will have the chance to talk more about this with Kaidan but for nowI think it's best just to put it on the back burner."

"As long as you're alright, Commander."

"I am. Thank you again. By the way, I missed you at the meeting this morning and I haven't had a chance to catch up. Everything alright around here? The new supplies came in. Everything to your liking?" Shepard asked.

"Of course. All is well here in Medbay."

"Excellent. If there is nothing else... I have audits I need to finish." Shepard got up from the chair. "And... Maureen? Thank you."

"Of course, Commander." Dr. Chakwas said. "Anytime."


	11. Chapter 11 Ceramic

_"Come on baby_

_Don't fear the Reaper_

_Baby take my hand_

_Don't fear the Reaper_

_We'll be able to fly_

_Don't fear the Reaper_

_Baby I'm your man"_

_- Blue Öyster Cult - "Don't Fear (The Reaper)"_

Joker lay on his side on the dim light of the crew quarters and stared across at the opposite bunk, watching Kelly read a book. He felt restless like he'd drunk far too much coffee making it near impossible to enjoy any of his usual off-duty entertainments like browsing the extranet, working on his model Mako, or even sleep. He didn't want to do much of anything at all but stare straight ahead and think. _Women are so confusing! _He just didn't understand. _I kiss her and it's amazing. Then, all of a sudden calm and collected Shepard's in a shitty mood and has no time for me._ The kiss had put him in a great mood and he'd be uncharacteristically cheerful all day, even going out of his way to make small talk with Chambers earlier in the day. _And then Shepard brushed me off._ _It doesn't take a fucking mathematician to add two and two together here._ A bitterly painful thought crossed his mind._ Was it just an act? It wouldn't be the first time that's happened_. Even so, he couldn't stop thinking about the way she put her arms around him and pushed into the kiss; the way she allowed him to draw her closer... it had just seemed so _genuine_.

Joker picked up his ballcap and began to spin it around his finger as he continued to ponder. _It didn't feel like an act and it doesn't fit in Shepard's personality to do that, either. But she's __never__ refused to give me the time of day before. She's __always__ had __something__ to say. __Something__ to mention. 'Off shift? Bye!' doesn't seem like Shepard._ His hand jerked sending the cap flying off his finger and across the room, hitting Kelly's hand as it landed.

"Ow!" she cried, dropping her book. Joker rolled his eyes.

"'_Ow_?' it's only a _hat_, Kelly. Here, give it back." He rolled onto his side, the bunk squeaking loudly as he propped himself up on his elbows to look at her.

She looked at him in mock annoyance. "Don't rush to apologise or anything."

"If I'd brained you with my modeling knife I might apologise, but it's a _hat_. It's soft."

"I was just on a really good bit, that's all." Kelly picked up his hat, pretending to inspect it.

"Give it here," he said sharply.

She turned to look at him, her face registering her surprise at his tone. "What's with you?" she asked.

"Nothing." He dropped his eyes so he wouldn't have to see her concerned expression. "I'm just not all sunshine and bunnies right now. Now hand over the hat. _Please_?"

"Joker, when are you _ever_ sunshine and bunnies?" Kelly smiled. "Although, you _were_ in a good mood this morning. What changed?" Joker glanced up to see she was eyeing him carefully, her smile fading. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked.

"_No_." Joker looked down at his hands, sighing heavily. _Aw_, _fuck it._ After looking around the quiet room and judging that there really was no one else within earshot, he met her eyes with a glare that he hoped she understood. _Christ_ _I'm glad the two bunks above us are vacant._ "Look, I owe you one for covering for me when I was late speaking to the Commander, and you seem to love nothing better than knowing what other people are thinking, so here it goes." He scowled as Kelly leaned a little closer, her own bunk squealing noisily with the slightest movement. "I swear Chambers, if you tell _anyone..._" His voice trailed off. _Aw, shit._ _What threat do I have anyway?_

"I'd never tell anyone," she replied.

"Look, before shift, I saw the Commander in the gym. Something happened. Now she's pissed off and storming around the place and all of a sudden doesn't have time to talk to me. Okay? Alright? That's what's going on. Now you know. Now we're even," he hissed.

Kelly blinked in surprise. "What happened between you two?" she whispered.

He looked at her irritably, responding in a brusque tone. "It doesn't matter."

Her expression was sympathetic as she gave him a knowing smile. "I'll go out on a limb here and guess you told her how you feel."

"Whatever, Kelly, it's not important."

"Well, I'm glad you're not denying it anymore. Wait, so you think the Commander's bad mood today is because of _you?_" she asked.

"It's not as complicated as flying a ship, is it?" he crossed his arms and sneered.

"Joker, I'm pretty positive that the Commander's not upset because of you," Kelly said gently. "I think she's upset because she got an e-mail from Commander Alenko this morning."

"Alenko?" he echoed, surprised, and Kelly nodded.

"Yeah. Just after shift started. I don't think this has anything to do with you."

"So I've just told you all this for no reason?" he asked, and Kelly smiled.

"From how I think you see it? Yeah, basically."

Joker frowned and the covers rustled as he gently kicked them off his feet. "Screw this," he grumbled as he got to his feet and slipped on his jacket. "I'm getting some food."

"Forgetting something?" Kelly asked, holding up his cap.

Joker looked over, taking it from her with a muttered 'thank you' as he shambled past. "What was that?" she asked.

"I said 'thanks for that, I know I'm kind of a jackass sometimes.'"

Kelly smiled brightly, leaning out of her bunk."You don't have to tell me twice. Sometimes you're a real.…"

"Don't push it," he muttered. Although he spoke tersely, he couldn't help but grin as he looked back at her. _Maybe she's not so bad._

The scent of freshly made coffee wafted across the crowded mess, drawing him towards the dispenser. He found he'd lost his appetite for some reason so he decided to forego. Coffee however always sounded good to him. He grabbed a cup for himself. _Time of night be damned, I'll be up anyway._ He saw Garrus and Tali sitting together nearby, and idly eavesdropped on their conversation as he stirred his coffee. _Dammit, why don't they ever talk about anything interesting? It's always the quarian political system or reminiscing about the time Garrus blew something up on Omega. It was fun the first fifty times. _Before long, Joker found himself staring in the direction of the elevator. _I wonder if Shepard's feeling any better?_

He hesitated for a moment, finally reaching over to tap on his Omni-tool. It shimmered to life, its orange light bright in the night time light levels of the mess hall. He scrolled through a couple of menus, finally typing in a message to Shepard, making sure it was coded as '_PERSONAL_' just to ensure it would not be forwarded to anyone else.

_' asleep?'_ the message read. He sat, drinking coffee and waiting as the minutes crawled past. Finally, nearly five minutes later his Omni-tool beeped, indicating an incoming message.

_'asleep? me? never.'_ Joker smiled to himself. He'd noticed that Shepard never capitalised words in her Omni-tool communications, even if transmitting long paragraphs of information.

_ 'Finished your audits?' _he typed, and chewed on the lip of his coffee cup, staring at the 'message received' spot on the omnitool's interface as he waited.

_'yes. they're done. i think we should talk. come up?'_

_ 'I'll be there."_

/

Shepard sat on the couch in a lower section of her quarters with her feet on the low coffee table in front of her as she sipped a cup of tea. _I really don't know what I'm going to say during this conversation. _Turning her head she looked towards the fish tank, watching the soft light emanating from it shift, making patterns on the floor in front of it. _It doesn't matter. I can't keep pretending like I can plan for these sorts of things._ Nevertheless, she found herself trying. _I'll thank him for coming. Then make smalltalk, perhaps? No. Get right to the issue. Is that a good idea? That would be awkward... wouldn't it?_ She didn't have time to complete the thought as the door hissed open and she heard the distinctive shuffle that characterized Joker's footsteps.

"I'm around the side," she called to him, looking up as he came around the corner.

She saw that he held a cup in each hand and as he reached the table, he passed one to her. "Hi Commander. A little bird or something told me you weren't feeling so great."

"Thanks, Joker," she smiled and gratefully accepted it from his hands. He seemed not to know what to do with himself, glancing from her to the couch and back. "Have a seat," she said, gesturing to a spot next to herself. As he sat down Shepard took a sip of coffee to give herself time to think. Finally she said, "I asked you here to apologise. I'm sorry for earlier."

Joker looked at her, his expression blank and unreadable. She cleared her throat and looked down, flushing with embarrassment. "What I meant was I apologise for being short with you in the mess earlier today, it wasn't my intent to brush you off like I did. I was distracted by some personal issues." She glanced sideways, her eyes meeting his He settled back in his seat and she saw his expression soften with relief.

"Sticks and stones Commander. Words won't hurt me. But if you _do_ decide to use sticks, promise you'll watch the fingers? I need 'em," he remarked with a grin.

"No problem, Joker. Anyway, I didn't want you to think that I was upset with _you. _Especially after, well... early this morning, which I -"

Whatever else she had planned to say was lost for he interrupted her saying, "_Yeah_... about that. I really don't know what to make of it. " He gave her a nervous smile and rubbed the back of his neck.

"It seemed fairly straightforward to me," she replied, trying to maintain a neutral expression. _It felt like we belonged in that moment. I don't know how else to put it. It felt simple and right._

"_'Straightforward._' Right," he said, looking towards the fish tank.

Shepard flushed. _My choice of words really wasn't the best,_she thought. He wasn't finished however and she turned to look at him as he continued to speak.

"Look, maybe you're not pissed off at me, but I _know_ it was out of line... you didn't need to call me up here to tell me that. You could've just come up to me and used a code word or something, like _'fuck off, Joker.'_"

"If it'd been unwelcome, you'd have known right then and there. " She reached out, putting her hand on his knee. He stared at her hand for a moment before reaching down and covering it with his own. She smiled as his hand touched hers adding, "I didn't ask you up here to reprimand you. I just want to talk with you. I mean, I don't know if you... felt that back in the gym, but I was really... I enjoyed it," she admitted, heat creeping across her cheeks.

Joker was silent a few seconds. "I _thought_ it wasn't only my wishful thinking," he said quietly, meeting her eyes. She felt the warmth of his skin as his arm slid around her shoulder, and in response she inched a little closer. Comforted by his touch, she settled back in her seat, her head leaning against him. _Now this is something I haven't done in a __long__ time,_ she thought, the corner of her mouth twitching with a smile she didn't let surface. _It's nice, but should I be letting myself get into this? I know that the regs here allow for fraternization, but am __I__ okay with it? How do I know if he really likes __me__? I have to be sure he's not going further with this just because of my rank above him. _Shepard turned her head to look at Joker and her nose touched his cheek, bristly with his short beard. It _had_ been against regulations to fraternize with Kaidan. _Cerberus is different, but even so, should I ignore - for the second time - the wisdom behind such a rule? Does this compromise the integrity of the crew? What of the repercussions for him - if things developed, then went sour... what would that do to him? What would that do to __me__?_

His arm tightened around her and she shifted against him, the movement knocking his cap, which he removed and let drop to his side. She stretched her arm lazily across his chest. Even through the thick vinyl chest piece of his uniform, she could feel the steady, rapid beat of his heart. _His heart is racing_, Shepard realised. _Then again, mine is too._ Several moments passed in silence but they didn't move. _Perhaps it is better to simply enjoy the moment. All things considered, it's probable that it won't happen again. _She relaxed, closed her eyes and took in the distant thrumming of the ship's engines and the sound of Joker's soft breath. As he pressed his cheek to the top of her head, a warm feeling coursed through her. _Maybe things __will__ be alright. Maybe we __will__ get through this. Heaven only knows if there's one person that can fly us into hell and back again, that's Joker. He's stuck by me and my decisions since Day One. Maybe it's safe to learn to really trust him like I trusted Kaidan. Maybe there are so many gigantic things going on that it's okay to indulge in the details. Maybe I... maybe... maybe..._

"Shepard?"

"Hmm?" she asked wordlessly, her voice heavy with sleep and she realised that she'd been dozing.

"Just checking. You fell into such a deep sleep I thought you might've just up and died," he said, running his hand through his short, scruffy hair in lieu of fiddling with his cap. "I've been thinking."

"Yes?" she asked, blinking the warm, thick feeling of drowsiness away. It had been so nice to forget about everything for a few minutes. Joker seemed to hesitate before he spoke.

"About _this_. You know. What are we - _you_, going to do about it?"

"I don't think it's right for me to call the shots on this one, Joker." Shepard's response was almost immediate.

"Why not?"

"Because of my position," she said, and sighed. "I know that Cerberus doesn't have a problem with fraternization, but this is what it boils down to; I wouldn't ever want to put you in a position where you felt pressured into a situation because I'm your commanding officer. In this instance, I don't think it's right for me to say what's going on. I'll leave that one up to you," she said, picking herself up out of her relaxed posture.

"Well, _whatever _it is, I like it," he said.

"Definitely," she said, smiling softly as she met his look.

"Heh, yeah?"

"Yes. But this is up to _you_. I just want you to know that. You can get up and walk away and it's not going to bite you in the ass." She looked at her half-empty teacup on the table, its remaining liquid long gone cold.

"It's up to me, then?" Joker asked. He reached up and touched his hand to her cheek, turning her head towards him. He felt a little warm to the touch and she closed her eyes as he drew her into a kiss. _Whatever this is, I hope we both live to find out._

Shepard leaned back in response to Joker's slight push. His lips lingered on hers, becoming harder, more demanding. All thought fled under the gentle onslaught of his hands and lips and she found her own arms moving involuntarily to wrap themselves around his neck. _Yes._ His hand swept halfway up her thigh. The spot under his palm was hot even through the fabric. _Yes! _Her heart hammered in her chest and she bit her lip, silently willing his hand to move further up her body, aching to feel his body on hers. She felt his fingers grip her a little tighter, one of Joker's hands stroking down her side. _Oh, yes!_ She wanted more - so much more - and she knew it.

A thought seared through her mind. _Kaidan. This is __exactly__ what happened with Kaidan. _The thought snapped her out of her blissful amnesia and back into her cautious, practical self. _Wait. I __can't__ just take a flying leap into something here. I was worrying about Joker's feelings before, but what about my own? How do I know what __I__ feel? How can I be sure that this isn't some kind of rebound - a way to prove to myself that I'm still loveable? I can't do that to Joker, I care about him too much to make him into some kind of toy._

All the fire gone from her, Shepard stopped and gently placed a hand on Joker's shoulder. He pulled back, as if sensing her confusion.

"Wha...?"

Shepard flushed, unable to meet his gaze at first.

"Uh, um. There's... There's something I need to tell you - I got a letter from Kaidan today; that's why I was so upset," she managed, the backs of her eyes stinging with tears of embarrassment and shame that she rapidly bottled. She swallowed heavily. "Look, I'm sorry. I do like this... I like _you_ a lot. I just... I think I need to go a little more slowly right now; get Kaidan out of my head."

Joker's expression darkened and he looked to the side rubbing the back of his neck and frowning.

"I-"

"Sorry, Commander. Didn't know you were looking for an action figure to play with," he snapped.

"I'm not," she replied, taken aback by his words. "I don't... Joker, I care about you too much for you to potentially wind up as some kind of rebound guy. You mean a lot to me," she said, meeting his eyes. He shifted in his seat, seemingly still uneasy.

"Sorry," he uttered, quiet yet somehow sincere. She nodded and leaned forward on her elbows.

"I'm not telling you 'no,' just that I need to slow down."

"Okay," he said, his shoulders dropping, appearing to relax a little. "What does that mean then?"

Shepard closed her eyes, dropping her head. "It means that I've got to be sure of myself; got to get Kaidan out of my head like I said. As much as I want to - and believe me, there are some parts of me that would like absolutely nothing better - I don't want to complicate things for either one of us too quickly."

"Why didn't you say that the first time?" he asked, and slowly a grin appeared on his face. Shepard looked at him blankly.

"I did. I-"

"It's alright, I get it," he said, "I'm not some kind of creepy Kaidan replacement doll. I understand."

"Yes," she said and looked up as she felt him place his hand on hers. He inched closer, replacing his arm around her shoulder.

"You mind if I...?" he asked, gesturing from himself to her.

"You don't have to be quite _that_ chivalrous," she said with a smile, and slid her arms up to his shoulders as he kissed her.


	12. Chapter 12 Fractures

_"Here comes the action_

_Here comes at last_

_Lord give me a reaction_

_Lord give me a chance_

_You should follow me down_

_In satellite towns_

_There's no colour and no sound_

_I've been ten feet underground"_

_- The Doves - "Black and White Town"_

Shepard held the spare clip between her teeth biting down on it with such force that she thought it might crack. She cast a rapid look in Garrus' general direction as she snapped back the release to reload her weapon. Although she couldn't see him behind the mess of piping and sparking wires, she knew he could hear her.

"Garrus, these mooks aren't going to leave us alone. I need you to draw their fire for a minute while I reposition. There's a power console over there - I'm going for it!"

_The Broken Arrow is going down and unless I hurry my ass up and get these engines running, we'll be going with it,_ she thought as she made a mad dash for the terminal, glowing bright blue in the red lit hallway. Bullets ate into the floor behind her as she ran. From the behind the meager cover of a stack of crates she heard the crack of a sniper rifle followed by a crash. Peeking out she saw a geth fall forward, its legs buckling and its head blown apart by one of Garrus' impeccable shots. The remains of its single camera eye skittered past, emitting sparks that died quickly in the near vacuum. Shepard triggered a wave of energy that rippled as it altered her armour's shielding, bending the light around her and rendering her all but invisible to the geth she saw on the catwalk above. She wasted no time, standing up and turning to the console, her fingers tapping out strings of commands on the console's keyboard and seconds later a section of the engine roared to life.

Looking around, she spotted the next terminal a short distance away and threw herself into a careful run. Although still hidden by her cloaking technology she knew she had only precious seconds of it left. A flat beeping tone sounded inside her helmet, telling her she would be fully visible again within the next three seconds so she sped down the hallway as fast as her feet would carry her knowing that she was as good as silent in the nearly airless ship. She reached the second terminal, grabbing the bulky console to stop her breakneck run, looking back briefly to make sure she hadn't been followed before flipping down the panel and typing out another set of commands. She was depending on Garrus to keep the remaining geth away from her, and so far it seemed he'd been doing a good job.

A shuddering beneath her feet let her know she'd succeeded, and she grinned to herself. The _MSV Broken Arrow_'s course needed tweaking by just a degree or so so that could be landed safely. The human colony far below them would never see the freighter and the munitions it carried would be kept out of the hands of the geth. Shepard turned from the console to find a conduit to the ship's navigational system. Scanning the room, a ramp to her right side caught her attention. It connected to the catwalk above and seemed to head to the rear of the hulking engine core. _I bet it'll be behind there._

She headed up the ramp, ignoring the muted sounds of gunfire and rounded the corner onto the catwalk above. _Grunt and Garrus can hold their own for a minute._ True to her prediction, a terminal jutted out of the engine column's back, out of the geth's line of sight. When she reached it she began to flick through glowing orange hologram panels methodically. Her eyes lit up and relief washed over her as the glowing display flickered then cleared to show the aft thrusters firing in bursts as the ship slowly changed trajectory. Its new course was now nowhere near the colony of Fargone.

"Course correction completed," she said, pushing away from the computer. "But the ship's still dropping like a stone. Time to get off this can. Let's go!"

"Right, Shepard!" Grunt barked over the radio, his voice a gutteral roar. She ran down the ramp pistol drawn to see Grunt charge into a geth, smashing it with one of his massive shoulders. It didn't stand a chance; its metal and synthetic muscles crumpling like paper under the blow. _Where do they keep coming from!_

She waited, her back pressed against the wall as the young krogan tore past her heading down the hall towards the shuttle before she slid out from cover. Backing down the hallway, she saw a geth lean its head out from behind a corner and lift its rifle. Shepard's own rifle snapped up automatically, the flash of the rounds blinding white in the small, dark corridor. The geth shuddered and slumped over. Relieved, she continued to retreat, seeing nothing until a volley of bullets spattered her shielding.

"Fuck!" A round bit into her leg and she doubled over in agony. She looked down realizing in horror that the bullet had torn its way deep into her calf, puncturing her suit, exposing her to the ship's internal atmosphere.

As she felt precious oxygen rushing out through the small hole she heaved all the air out of her lungs just as she had been trained. _Air, air, my fucking air!_ Somewhere in the distance, the geth collapsed but Shepard barely noticed the threat was gone, focusing instead on moving towards the safety of the shuttle. _My leg! _Her vision blurred and she lost balance, falling to the floor. Blood pounded in her ears and her chest burned with the effort of trying to suck in the dregs of air remaining in her suit. _Again! It's happening again!_

There was a rasping, choking sound. _Where is that coming from?_ It came again, louder this time and more regular. Shepard's eyes opened to see Garrus bending over her, the familiar walls of the shuttle behind him. Her helmet was off and he was holding an emergency oxygen mask to her face. As her mind cleared and feeling came back into her body, the pain struck her full on, and a wordless groan of agony escaped her. Her vision blurred and the world went black once again.

.

/

Her tongue was hot and her skin felt as though it were stretched far too tightly over her frame. _I've been spaced_! she thought in panic, yet even as the words came to mind the fear dissipated and she found herself becoming strangely calm, her fear replaced by a feeling of melancholy. Everything was so quiet. So... beautiful. A piece of metal bounced off her hand, streaking down towards the endless expanse of Alchera's surface. Her eyes turned from it towards the twisted halves of the ship. Though her vision was bleary and disintegrating fast, as she turned head over heels and away from the blue of the planet... below? - above? - beside her? - She couldn't tell. Lights streaked off into the distance. _Escape pods?_ _How can I see all this, know all this when my suit's decompressing? In flight school they always told us that there was no time to think...to feel..._

_At least Kaidan and Joker got out...got away._... She found herself sliding into blackness once again, her last conscious thought was of her tongue. Burning, boiling...

Shepard slowly became aware of white walls and of the sterile, antiseptic clinical smell that characterized the Medbay. She moved cautiously, noting the soreness of her body although her leg no longer hurt as badly as she remembered. Someone was speaking, but the words weren't clear. Opening her eyes she could tell by dimmed lights that it was night on the _Normandy_. Her head faced the wall and she lifted her hands to touch her face, the dull throb of a headache setting in.

"...Will be fine, Miranda... fractures... yes. Won't be a problem... nearly in half. She's coming round now..."

"Doctor...?" Shepard croaked, her voice cracking from hours of disuse. Blinking to clear her vision, she lifted her head, searching for the source of the voice. Dr Chakwas turned from her desk and came over, her footsteps were painfully loud on the smooth floor.

"Commander, good to see you awake. How are you feeling?"

"I've been better." Shepard rubbed her temples as she spoke. "I was shot," she said aloud as if affirming it to herself as she stared at her right leg, in a cast below the knee. Trying to move it sent pain ripping up her body and she sucked breath between her teeth. Shepard stared at her limb a moment longer and then looked up at Dr Chakwas.

"When can I walk again?"

"The regeneration will take some weeks and it will be uncomfortable, but you will walk again, Commander."

"How bad was it?" Shepard didn't like the feel of being on a gurney, even padded as it was and lifted herself to sit up as best she could.

"You lost a lot of blood, Commander. You're growing new sections of both your tibia and fibula in addition to most of the muscles in your lower leg, some of which were completely obliterated. Most of the swelling caused by decompression has gone down now, but you'll be very tender and sore for the next few days. It's incredibly fortunate for you that Grunt and Garrus got you to the shuttle as quickly as they did. You owe them your life, Commander."

"I do," Shepard concurred, her expression solemn.

"Soft tissue re-growth will happen fairly quickly, but you will need a Spiderweb support cage for your leg to help you walk for the next several weeks. You'll be on medication for the itching as well."

"Itching?" she asked.

"As the bone, muscle and nerves re-grow there will be intense itching. Fortunately there is medication for that. You are lucky, Shepard, if this had been two hundred years ago you'd have lost your leg below the knee."

Shepard nodded, reaching for a glass of water next to her. "Garrus and Grunt?"

"Both fine."

"How long was I out?" she asked as she put the glass down.

"About eighteen hours."

Shepard found herself suddenly remembering her injuries on Eden Prime. When she'd awakened hours later in the medbay it had been to find Kaidan at her side. She could still see the almost bashful smile he'd given her when she refused to blame him for the incident. Dr Chakwas continued to speak, shaking Shepard from the memory.

"Jeff's quite worried about you. He sends for updates even more often than Miranda."

"I'll be sure to tell him I'm alright." Shepard gingerly lifted her leg and sat up.

"Not so fast Commander. You'll need to remain here a few days." The doctor put a hand on Shepard's shoulder, gently pushing her back on to the bed.

"But... but..."

"No," The doctor's tone was firm. "You've been badly injured - I need time to make sure you're healing properly and there are no complications. I know you want to leave but this is one time when _my___authorityexceeds yours."

Shepard lay back with a sigh, knowing the doctor was right. "You win. But I want my team to be able to come in and see me. Give me reports."

"We'll see."

Shepard wrinkled her nose in discomfort. "Also... have Chambers feed my fish?"

/

By the fifth day, Shepard was agitated and restless. It had been interesting watching the doctor go about her business, but she longed to be out at the helm of the _Normandy._ _The only thing I'm not looking forward to is the stack of paperwork that'll be waiting for me._

"It's Thursday today, Doctor," Shepard said as if making conversation. Dr Chakwas looked up from her files and smiled, seeming to understand what Shepard had meant instead.

"Eager to get going, Commander?"

"I've got a galaxy to save."

"Well, your progress has been steady, no sign of air bubbles and no clots have formed, so I'll let you go today. You'll need this," Dr Chakwas said as she retrieved a folded device that had been leaning against the wall. "Hold out your leg, Commander." The device unfolded with the clinking sound of metal on metal as Dr Chakwas touched it to Shepard's ankle. It wrapped around her leg rapidly, the polyalloy webbing rising until it stopped just under her knee.

"With _this_ at my disposal, the Reapers don't stand a chance," she replied, a wry smile on her lips as she stretched out her leg, the device now fitted snugly around her calf, its many silver wires resembling a spider's web. She slid off the gurney and onto her good leg, holding the other off the floor momentarily. She let her foot touch the ground and the Spiderweb's wires glowed blue as she let her weight down.

"Are you sure you're alright? Let me get a crewman to help you to your quarters."

"I'll be fine, Doctor. Thank you."

"You'll need plenty of rest. Take it easy, if you can. I know that your definition of 'easy' differs from mine, Commander," Dr Chakwas said with a soft smile. "Your activities will be restricted as you'll need to keep your leg up as much as possible, I'll send someone up in a few hours for a pain killer for you to take before you retire for the night." Shepard nodded and hobbled out the door.

She took the long way around the mess trying to get used to walking with the Spiderweb supporting her weight. Although she limped, it didn't take long before she felt reasonably steady on her feet so she headed for the elevator and hit the call button, leaning heavily against the wall as she waited. Shepard closed her eyes and and as she did so, she remembered lying in Medbay, of her vision of being spaced. She shuddered, as the blue expanse of Alchera rose up suddenly before her again. Her lungs burned with remembered pain and she felt sick, imagining the oxygen rushing out of her suit and into space. She swallowed and took a deep breath through her nose, concentrating on the feel of it filling and expanding her chest. _There is air here. You are not suffocating. You are waiting for the elevator. Everything is fine._

After a few moments the doors opened and Garrus stepped out. He looked up and his mandibles flickered in surprise.

"Shepard, I was just coming to see you, it's good to see you up and about," he said, his voice holding a note of concern.

"Thanks again for saving my ass, Garrus."

"Like I said the other day -you'd have done the same for me. How is your leg?" Garrus tilted his head, looking at the silver cage surrounding her calf and placed his arm in the doors before they closed.

"As good as varren meat at the minute, if I'm honest. I'll be able to walk again properly, though."

"You'll be back popping holes in mercs before you know it."

"Indeed," she replied. "I didn't realise that mercs were so prolific. Perhaps my head was buried in the sand a little bit, being in the Alliance for so long."

"I don't know about that. They're more or less a recent development. Merc organisations were always a problem on Omega, but it's only over the last year or so that they've really become an issue."

Sometimes I forget that I've been dead for two years," she lied with a smile, rolling her stiff shoulder.

"Heh, yeah, then you're dealing with that better than I would be." Garrus met her eyes but Shepard couldn't read the expression behind them. She gave him a good-natured smile and stepped into the elevator.

"Thanks for coming by to see me, Garrus."

"No problem, Shepard." The doors closed and she leaned back, turning her head to watch the panel with blue numbers change as she reached the Combat Information Centre on Deck Two.

Most of the crew pretended not to lookas Shepard limped off the elevator but she felt their eyes on her back; or more precisely on the spidery wiring around her left leg. It was not easy to walk on a limb that was re-growing bones, especially after being confined to bed for the better part of a week.. They seemed happy to see her however as evidenced by the unusual enthusiasm in their salutes. She reached her personal terminal and opened up her e-mails. Her inbox was inundated with requests and messages. _Better to deal with these in a few minutes when I'm back in my quarters. None of these are marked as urgent. _Shepard became aware of Kelly's eyes on her, and turned her head to look. Kelly burst into a salute, giving her a bright smile and Shepard couldn't help but return it.

"Glad to see you back, Commander," she said, turning from her console.

"Thank you, Kelly. Glad to see you, too."

"It's been very strange. Almost a week without you around! How is your leg?" she asked, looking at the glowing blue wires surrounding Shepard's calf.

"It'll be just fine. Thank you for the card you sent down yesterday."

"You're welcome, Commander. Everyone was happy to sign it."

"I was very touched, thank you." Shepard smiled, then cleared her throat. "And thank you for feeding my fish. How are they? I've not been to my quarters yet."

"They're all fine, Commander. I like them a lot! I even came up with names for them."

"You named my fish?"

"The blue one is John, one of the little ones with the tear in his fin is Billy, and the yellow one is Agnes."

"You named my fish, but only three of them?" Shepard smiled in confusion.

"Oh, you don't mind, do you, Commander?" Kelly asked. Shepard merely shook her head in response, smiling to herself.

"Carry on, Kelly."

The walk up to the cockpit was longer than she remembered. She felt a little weak for a moment and stopped to examine one of the monitors above a seat in the hallway. _I'll have to keep this short._ Limping slowly the rest of the way, she came to a stop just behind the cockpit's threshold.

"Sorry I'm late for my post-mission visit."

"Commander," Joker replied with his usual politeness, hitting a few keys before turning his chair to face her. "How's the leg?" he asked. Shepard looked behind her a moment with feigned nonchalance, checking whether anyone was in earshot before responding.

"Sore," she said quietly. "I'll won't be able to walk on it properly for several weeks. Still, it should be in working order by the time we get to Tarith."

"Tarith, yeah what a lovely little ball of rock that looks to be. Why are none of these assignments ever on gorgeous, sunny planets with white sand and beaches?" he lamented. "You know, someplace where you could land and go blow some things up and I could go drink a martini."

"Some of these assignments _are_ on worlds like that. But you'd never set foot off this ship unless you were dragged off," she said, crossing her arms giving him a sideways smirk.

"Yeah, well, I could be convinced."

"Next time we're orbiting some place with a decent surface temperature and an atmosphere _not _comprised of methane, I'll give us all a day's shoreleave."

"You're planning on going to the Citadel at some point to speak with Anderson again, aren't you?" he asked, seemingly momentarily distracted by a display to his left. After a few seconds he was apparently satisfied with what he saw, abruptly returning his focus to the conversation. Shepard blinked in mild surprise, the idea having been something she'd placed on the backburner some time ago.

"Yes, I do have some things to discuss with him, and I imagine the Council would love to blow some more hot air in my direction," she said, sniffing in irritation at the thought of the Councillors. She turned to gaze out the window.

"Right. Well... I was thinking. When you take care of your business there, you want to go someplace?" he asked. "You know, for a drink or dinner or something?" Shepard looked away from the stars and back at him, noticing he was drumming his fingers on the armrest.

"Yes. I'd really enjoy that," she replied.

_I've put off going to the Citadel. I've not been looking forward to the beaurocracy and the bullshit I'm almost guaranteed to run into going back there. However, Anderson may have some information for me, and it can't hurt to show my face to both the Alliance __and__ the Council to defend myself against these claims that I'm some kind of traitor. Perhaps the Council will even help somehow? What will putting this off accomplish when there is potentially so much to gain? _Shepard looked down at her leg, frowning at how much it hurt. _Will__ I be ready in time for when we reach Tarith? ... I don't know. _Shepard looked up, straight ahead and out the window, a look of determination in her eyes.

"I do think it's about time I had words with the Council. Change course. To the Serpent Nebula."

"Aye _aye,_ Commander," Joker replied, and didn't bother to hide his grin.


	13. Chapter 13 Chemistry

_"She gave me headphones_

_Said 'Have you heard this sound?'_

_You know I've heard this one girl_

_Let's get outta town_

_This love is like a drug and  
We bonded chemically_

_We're letting you know better_

_Livin' through chemistry"_

_- "Cut Chemist - What's the Altitude"_

It was the first time in ages that Shepard had been dressed in anything but armour or a uniform. Her thumb idly rubbed the soft brown fabric that hung loose about her slim frame; such a contrast to the form-fitting uniform she wore onboard the _Normandy_. She fussed with the hood for a minute before turning her head to look out the window, noting that as the taxi's altitude increased, all of the buildings seem to shrink to toy size. The taxi driver was taking a direct route to her destination in the upper Wards.

The cab changed lanes abruptly and began to descend. _He certainly has an interesting style of driving,_ she thought as they dropped through several lines of traffic. Within a few moments, the cab leveled off, easing into one of the many grid patterns formed by the regular flow of vehicles. The upper Wards were a blur of grey and glass as they sped past. _I wonder where it is we're going? Joker didn't really specify. _Neon and plasma signs glistened harshly against the dark silhouettes of buildings as the taxi flew near street-level. _Where are we?_ A few minutes later, Shepard saw the black outlines of trees in a nearby park as the car continued to descend, finally slowing to pull up to a curb where several other taxis were parked in a line.

"Right here, missus," the driver said, slinging his elbow over the headrest of his seat as he turned to look at her. Handing him her credit chit, she opened the door and stepped out.

"Thanks missus." He peered at her more closely as he handed back the chit. "Hey! Ain't I seen you before?"

"You might've, sir. Thanks for the ride," Shepard replied with a smile and limped over to stand by one of several colourful bushes as she looked around, trying to get her bearings.

_Wide_ _path a little ways up to the left, _she thought, recalling Joker's directions as she cast about. Eventually she found a path that seemed to fit his description and headed towards it. It wasn't long before she saw him some yards off sitting on a bench with his hands in his jacket pockets, overlooking an artificial lake. She walked towards him slowly, favouring her leg which hurt badly despite the medication and the Spiderweb's support. Reaching the bench, she leaned on it heavily for a moment before sitting down.

"Well, aren't we a couple of gimps?" Joker asked with a grin.

She smiled and then flinched as she stretched out her leg."You don't even take that off when you're off duty?" she asked, gesturing to his hat.

"This? Nah. It suits me." Joker passed her a blue bag marked with an unfamiliar atom-shaped logo.

"Takeout?"

"Yeah. So we could, you know, enjoy the _scenic vista _right here. Gotta admit, I'm disappointed. I was expecting ducks like you always see in the vids of Earth. But this is just kind of a square hole in the ground with some water in it."

"Well, there's a willow tree, and lots of flowers. Those are nice. It's definitely a change from the inside of the ship," she said. She began unwrapping the food he had given her, a wide smile spreading across her face as she recognized what he'd brought. . "A burger?"

"Yep. Honest-to-god dead cow, just like I told you I wanted to get. It was hard to find but you don't really strike me as the _'filet mignon avec caviar'_ type anyway. Figured this'd be better. Call it intuition."

"No, you're definitely right about that. I think I lack a _civilised palate_."

"What? I'd say it's definitely civilised if you prefer a burger over two pieces of parsley and a sliver of meat for dinner," he said, laughing. "So, how was the Council?"

"Bureaucratic bullshit and the same 'save the universe yourself because we don't care' attitude we're all used to by now," she said with more than a hint of bitterness in her voice.

"Things went that well, huh?"

"It's like it's impossible for them to conceive of this being real. It isn't a deficit of funds or a racial dispute, it's not an argument over mining rights to a planet or a tax reform, it's just those _wacky naked monkeys _whining because their colonies are being abducted. Turians, asari and salarians aren't being affected so from their perspective it's a _purely human affair,_ and why get involved in that? The lives of millions of innocents just aren't compelling enough, I suppose," she fumed. It felt good to unload. "If it'd been turian or salarian colonies, the Council would launch a full scale investigation and send fleets out to protect them, and you know, I'd be right out there with them on the front lines."

Yep. I know you would," he said crossing his arms.

"Do you know what the best part is?" she continued, her eyes wild with anger. Joker shook his head, clearly listening. "The _best_ part is that they don't even believe the Reapers are real. They took what happened on their own doorstep, filed it away and decided it wasn't worth making a fuss over. They took yours and mine and everybody else's sacrifices and just threw them to the wind. People died to protect and preserve the Citadel, and the Council itself against these things and in return they make up some bullshit story about how Saren was the real threat."

I'm not one to second-guess your decisions but sometimes I wonder what it would've been like with a different Council."

She closed her eyes. "I have to admit, I've found myself wondering that sometimes, as well." She breathed in deeply through her nose and exhaled, opening her eyes slowly to watch the ripples on the surface of the little lake in front of them. "I really don't regret the choices I've made, even if sometimes they frustrate me."

"You'd think they'd have listened. The last time you warned them about this it all blew up in their faces. 'Oh hey, I see you're back from the dead. You're talking about giant robots or something? That's nice. Go away.'" Joker said returning his hands to his jacket pockets.

"More or less." She shook her head, sighing in frustration. "At first they insinuated my connections to Cerberus made me some kind of traitor, but then they reinstated my Spectre status as some kind of show of _good faith_. All I can do is hope that means that maybe, someday they'll help us."

"Excuse me for not holding my breath waiting for _that_," he muttered, looking in the direction of the Presidium and rolling his eyes.

"Yeah, really. So, in short, business as usual,"she said, giving him a grim smile before turning to stare thoughtfully out at the lake. They were both quiet for a few moments as they ate. Shepard chewed thoughtfully. The food was good. _It's the little things that you miss the most,_ she thought as she looked at the wrapper. _After a while, even decent food like Gardner makes just doesn't compare to your average everyday cheeseburger. _She became aware of Joker's eyes on her and she turned her head to meet his look. He smirked.

"What?" she asked, giving him a lopsided smile in return.

"I don't think I've ever seen you out of a uniform before."

"I've not seen you in anything else, either. It's different, isn't it?" she mused.

"Yeah. It's nice."

"Thanks. I like the bomber jacket thing you have going on," she said in between bites.

"This? It's pretty ancient. It was my Dad's favourite." He shrugged and looked down at the scuffed leather.

"'Yeah?'" Shepard asked after swallowing the last bit. "I don't have anything of my Dad's. Where'd you grow up?"

He balled up the burger's wrapper and threw it into the bag, then picked up a piece of foil and began carefully folding it. "Saint Thomas sector, on Arcturus Station. I grew up with my mother mainly. Dad was KIA in the First Contact War."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I didn't know him very well. He was always off doing whatever for the Alliance and then he died. Mom says he was a smartass like me." Joker stared at the lake for a second and frowned. "Man, I _can't believe_ there are no ducks," he said, and Shepard smiled. "That's what I get for asking Garrus for a nice place to go on the Citadel," he added and grinned. "I got bread and everything! Oh well. This will have to do." He lifted up the wrapper, folded to look like a bird and pulled on its tail, making its wings twitch.

"It's fine, Joker, really. I'm happy just to spend a little time with you. Being off the ship for a while without needing to be armed is a great bonus, too." He slid closer, closing the gap between them and took her hand in his. The movement jarred her leg which twinged painfully before starting to itch. "Ugh!" she groaned and carefully placed her foot flat on the ground, rubbing at it with her knuckles. "Doctor Chakwas was right, this itches like _crazy_."

"Yeah, I hear you. I was like that for about a year. I had tons of surgeries while Cerberus was strengthening my bones. They weren't fun," he said. "Cerberus outright replaced a few of my smaller bones with synthetic ones and wove fibers around the rest. I can get about more easily now. "

"Yes, I noticed," she said giving his hand a little squeeze. He looked down at their entwined fingers and cleared his throat.

"So... you know. That whole thing doesn't bother you?" he asked.

Her eyes narrowed slightly as she looked at him in confusion. "What whole thing? You mean your Vroliks Syndrome?" He nodded. "No. It never has."

"And you're sure about that?" he asked flatly; his face expressionless.

"Yes. I mean it. I know it's there but it doesn't bother me." Shepard turned his hand over, drawing patterns on his palm with her finger.

"Right," he said. She saw his shoulders tighten.. "It's just that... well, I'm not the most experienced guy ever when it comes to these... relationship type things. I don't know how well I can compare, you know, to - you know."

Shepard paused for a moment, trying to think of the words. "So don't try to compare. You're not a piece of equipment, Joker_._"

"Well, yeah, it's just that... things like this have never really worked out for me before. Never had the time, or it never panned out or whatever."

"It's not hard. Just be yourself," she said and affectionately nudged his shoulder. "Don't worry so much." Shepard picked up the folded foil crane and examined it for a moment. "May I have this?"

He looked at her in surprise. "It's just a dumb bird."

"It's beautiful and I like it," she replied, pocketing the crane. Joker smiled and put an arm around her shoulders.

"You know before, I had to be _so_ careful that no one touched me because when they did, I usually got hurt. I didn't touch anyone and they didn't touch me... means that the only one I'm used to having touch my skin is myself," he said, and Shepard nodded slowly. They sat quietly for a few moments watching a couple across the lake walking down a path together.

"Yeah. So it's been a long time for you since being involved with anyone?" she asked, looking up at him. His eyes met hers briefly and Shepard thought she saw a little colour come to his cheeks.

"You could say that, yeah."

"It's not important, I was just curious." Shepard shrugged, leaning her head onto his shoulder.

"Well, like I said, I've always had to be so careful... So this is all sort of... new." Joker shifted on the bench, staring out at the water.

She noticed him staring out into space. "Hey," she said and he glanced towards her a little shamefacedly. She smiled at him reassuringly. "I follow you," she said, one of her hands finding its way to the nape of his neck, her fingertips traveling lightly up and down. He seemed to enjoy it for he let his head drop a little at her touch, the look in his eyes becoming very slightly glazed and unfocussed. She chuckled softly. "It's a magic spot, that."

"Mmm, uh-huh," he murmured in response. She smiled and after a moment let her hand drop between his shoulders.

"Thanks for suggesting this. It's great to forget the Collectors for a few minutes. I think everyone needs a bit of time and space to just breathe, but it's hard to find it when we're on a mission like this," she said with a sigh.

"Yeah... you're right." He grinned, " I guess I had to come off the ship sometime. As for the mission, everyone's behind you all the way. I know... I listen in on their conversations," he said and snickered.

"_Joker_," she muttered.

"Long hours in that cockpit," he replied with a sardonic grin. "Anyway the point is that we're all with you. Especially me. I know we can do this. Sooner or later we'll find something that will help us take them out. And I'm sure whatever you do will hit them in a big way. I've seen you in the gym. You punch _hard_." She smiled and shook her head. They were both quiet for a moment, staring up at what passed for sky in the contained atmosphere of the Wards.

"Can I tell you something?" she asked, her eyes still on the whispy clouds, watching them slowly change into different shapes.

"Well, uh, yeah. Yeah?"

"I'm terrified. I'm really, honestly scared, Joker."

"Yeah, I know. You'd be stupid not to be," he replied. She shifted her posture, but her gaze remained fixed on their surroundings.

Then she frowned. "No, I mean... I'm _really_ scared. I've never been this scared in my life," she said and closed her eyes. "I wasn't this scared when I first joined the Alliance, on my first drop. I wasn't this scared crawling out of the mouth of that Maw on Akuze, and I wasn't at all anywhere near this scared when I died," she admitted, opening her eyes again. "It's this pervasive, all-encompassing fear that keeps me up at night. Every day that we're not any closer to destroying them for good is one more day I feel they get closer to destroying us instead." Shepard felt his arm squeeze her a little tighter. "I just want to keep us all alive. I want to make sure you and I get a chance to be here again, and... I don't know if I'm going to make it out of this one."

"Don't talk like that, of course you will," he said and something in his tone of voice made her throat tighten and her chest ache with a tender emotion she couldn't name. "I mean, hey, maybe you won't make it out all in one _piece_," he added, gesturing with his eyes to the Spiderweb as he placed his hand on her thigh. "But you'll make it out."

"Suggesting that I might come out of it as a paraplegic or something isn't the most comforting thought," she said and smiled.

"Are you kidding? I'm the most comforting guy around," he replied. "The point is that _you'll come out of it_."

"Yes." Her smile faded and her eyes fell to the water lapping at the shore's perfectly straight edge.

"Besides," he said quietly, and turned his gaze out across the water. "I'm scared, too."

She stared up through the thin atmosphere and towards the stars."You ever get those moments where everything else feels so impossibly large, and you feel really small?"

"Yeah."

"I'm having one of those right now," she said, laying her head back on the wooden slats of the bench and catching glimpses of tiny misshapen dots far above that she knew to be ships presumably heading to in to dock. "But you know, there's a silver lining to all this."

"What's that?"

"I could be alone on this bench, but I'm not," she said.

"You could not be on the bench at all."

"True, but I mean _right here_. In this particular moment in time." She turned to face him, studying him as he continued to look out over the water.

"Yeah..." he responded, his voice trailing off. She lay her head on his shoulder and they were quiet for several minutes.


	14. Chapter 14 Bait

_"Star catching girl, there is no way out for you_

_Star catching girl, this is what you're born to do_

_And those shooting stars can't help you_

_When you're out every night on your own_

_On your own, on your own again_

_There's something special here_

_Everyone can tell_

_Don't move, don't breathe_

_Just smile, be nice, don't ever break the spell"_

_- Brother Brown - "Star Catching Girl"_

Shepard found the days moving past all too slowly, blending into each other. Two weeks went by, the lack of activity wearing on her. She was dying to move and would have been pacing up and down had it been possible. She felt trapped and anxious like a cat in a cage. Too long since she'd been able to focus on her mission. _Time to move. Time to go and do something. Anything._ She hauled herself laboriously to her feet, making her way over to the desk, intended to read her email.

Her leg itched unmercifully and she bent over, digging at it in frustration. The medication helped, but couldn't alleviate all of it. _Still, it would be horrible without meds._ Seating herself at the desk, she quickly scanned through the inbox. _Hmmm. Nothing needs my immediate attention..._ _Ah…wait. Samara wants to talk with me. Right._ _Samara never makes requests. It must be important._ She pushed away from the desk and limped towards the door. Walking always helped her think more clearly, helped her feel like things were getting _done. Actually, things __are__ getting done._ It was hard to remain patient; she was so used to being in the thick of things.

She pushed the elevator call button, leaning against the wall for support and running her fingertips repeatedly over the now thoroughly flattened foil crane tucked away in her pocket. The elevator arrived and she stepped into it. _I need to be better soon._ _Still, stressing about it isn't going to make it happen any faster,_ she silently reasoned, but still found herself gritting her teeth in frustration.

Stepping out into the hallway, she was mildly surprised to hear Jacob Taylor's voice followed by his physical presence.. He didn't see her at first and nearly walked into her; catching himself at the last minute.

"Ah - Commander Shepard, hello," he said with a smile, lifting his hands up in surprised apology.

She nodded in response, finding herself returning his smile. "Yes, hello Jacob."

"I'm sorry I almost ran into you," he said. "How is your leg, Commander? Do you need anything?"

"It's still a bit sore, she said, returning his smile. "But it won't get better if I don't exercise. Thank you for your concern though." She found herself returning his smile and was surprised. _Huh. I'm don't feel like I want to get away. This is... strange_. It was different - and not such a bad thing either - to talk with him especially since he seemed to be in such a cheerful mood. He nodded again, his smile broadening.

"Of course, Commander. You should be back in action soon now, shouldn't you? Didn't you say in the last staff meeting that it's just a couple more weeks before the cage comes off?"

"Yeah, it won't be all that much longer and it does get a little easier every day. I'm just looking forward to when my daydreams don't consist of ripping the thing off. It's very itchy."

"So I've heard."

"A popular topic of discussion is it?" she asked, turning her head to look in the direction of the Observation Deck.

"In a sense. Sorry to keep you, Commander. I'm sure we both have places we ought to be."

"Yes. I'll see you later," she replied, a little absently.

"Oh, and one more thing, Commander." Jacob shook his head, grinning as he stepped into the elevator. "Take good care of him, or else he'll _never_ shut up in the gym!" He saluted as the door snapped closed.

"Wh-" she began, her eyes narrowing in confusion and she turned back around, but he had already gone. It took a few seconds for his words to sink into place. _Right. He and Joker train together in the gym._ She flushed. _Of course. _Collecting herself, she cleared her throat, smoothing down her jacket before continuing down the hall.

/

"I need to talk with you about my daughter," Samara began, turning to look at Shepard. . Shepard disguised her surprise as best she could and leaned against the wall listening intently. Samara returned her attention to the window, staring out into space as she told her story. Morinth was a predator, an asari with a rare genetic defect that killed those she mated with, and Samara needed help to stop her. She finished and the room fell silent. Shepard joined Samara in looking out the window as she contemplated the asari's request.

"So, I'm bait?" she finally asked.

Samara looked at her sympathetically. "That is more or less what I am asking of you, Shepard. You will be completely safe. At no time will you truly be alone with her."

"Alright. I'll get Joker to set a course for Omega."

"Thank you, Shepard. This is not something I easily speak of. I am honored to know that you will assist me in this matter," Samara said, turning back to the window. Shepard's lips tightened in an expression of unease and she crossed her arms. _I'm not sure about this. Unarmed? Lure an asari into bringing me to her apartment?_

"Omega's not far from here. A few hours in FTL at most," she mused, staring at the metal flooring. Samara merely nodded in response, still looking out at the stars.

"Yes. Our position is most fortunate. I have been on Morinth's trail for centuries. It is of great importance to me that I catch her while she is still on Omega, before the trail goes cold."

"I had better go and prepare. I'll be back here later," She said and nodded in Samara's direction. As she left, she heard Samara create a small mass effect field in her hands and the sharp smell of ozone followed her out the door. The scent triggered a memory in her and she paused for a moment, looking off to the side. _The smell of biotics_.

The scent held a memory and she saw Kaidan standing in the dimly lit corridor_. _As she passed by she turned to look at him. A flicker of blue caught her eye as it darted from his left bicep to his wrist, disappearing just as quickly as it had appeared, but the characteristic burning smell of eezo hung faintly in the air. She shivered remembering the feeling his hands stroking her. The blue glow had shimmered around him then – and around _her_ as he'd touched her during their lovemaking. He gave her a knowing look that made her chest swell. She loved Kaidan and trusted him completely, but the things she wanted to say needed to stay quiet for now. He smiled softly, almost as if he'd heard her unspoken words.

"Ma'am," he said quietly, and was gone.

She blinked a few times becoming aware of her surroundings once again. The memory had been vivid, but she noticed that the hot, painful twinge in her chest that had accompanied thoughts of him since Horizon had diminished and had somehow been replaced by a feeling of calm affection. _That was the way things were. It's not the way they are now. I miss him and I always will, but I need to let go. Stop hoping and expecting. For both our sakes._ The elevator doors rolled open and she stepped inside. Kaidan's familiar features faded from her mind, replaced instead by thoughts of Omega and what to expect from Samara's haywire offspring.

_Unarmed and lame,_ she thought. _Some time to be going out on a dance floor._ Stepping out of the elevator she went straight for the map, laying in a course. A few seconds later, a small green symbol appeared on the panel indicating that Joker had confirmed receipt of her course change. An uncomfortable feeling slithered into her stomach at the thought of returning to the _Afterlife_ club. Sure, seducing an asari and going back to her apartment was part of the job description for this mission, but it didn't sit right with her somehow. She glanced towards the cockpit thinking, _I feel... dirty about this somehow. Guilty. This is different from anything I've had to do for a mission before._

As she neared the cockpit and the familiar glow of the many displays came into view, she cleared her throat to give Joker an indication of her presence. The cockpit was a peaceful place to be most of the time. She'd always been partial to the view outside and the arrays of displays and dials. Everything on Joker's screens had an analog equivalent somewhere on the walls or ceiling, and Shepard knew them all from endless hours poring over diagrams like she had in flight school. She didn't doubt for a second though that her knowledge paled in comparison to his as she watched him flick through menus in a practised, precise way. A few times, she had flown shuttles, a couple small craft and a freighter once whilst with the Alliance. The passion for flight was there, and Shepard might have continued with her dreams of graduating as a pilot had she not chosen to give it up for her _N7_ candidacy. She smiled at him wistfully as he turned his chair to face her.

"I think I envy you a little sometimes. I wish _I_ could fly her, you know?" she mused as she looked around almost as if seeing the place for the first time.

"Eh, well, if you decide saving the galaxy isn't your cup of tea anymore you could always go back to flight school."

"Sometimes I think I'd like to," she said, sitting on the counter space to his side, careful to stay away from the monitors. "I think that has more to do with wanting to be in a safe place than an actual desire for academics, though. I'm a stress-head when it comes to exams. You should've seen me study for my _N_7 writtens."

"If there's one thing I can't picture, it's you stressing over some piece of paper." Jokersaid and grinned before looking over his shoulder and pausing momentarily as he scanned over some readouts. "Not long to Omega now. Seems like we've been there a lot lately. I don't know what you see in that place. Besides all the asari - _ahem_ - 'exotic dancers' in that _Afterlife _club, of course_._"

"Funny you should mention that. How long have we got?"

"A little more than two hours;interstellar wind will give or take a few minutes," he replied., Shepard wrinkled her nose at him in dissatisfaction. "Why? Need to get there faster?"

"No, but I need to talk with you for a moment." Tapping her fingers on the counter quietly, she gave him an uneasy smile. He raised an eyebrow and looked at her curiously,, seemingly trying to work out just what it was she needed to discuss.

"Sure. I'll be in the Mess after shift when you come back."

"It's about the mission, actually," she said, raising her hand to her mouth and clearing her throat.

"Yeah, I haven't got the brief just yet. You going to literally blow the roof off that club or are you visiting somewhere else this time?"

Shepard shifted and closed her eyes. "Well, to be more specific, it's a little personal. It's... are you the jealous type?" It was hard to mask her sheepish expression as she opened her eyes to see him drop his head back onto his headrest, looking utterly confused.

"Well, _this_ isn't the kind of serious conversation I expected," he replied. "Why? You, uh... you got one of those asari dancers waiting down there or something? Because, uh, if _that's_ the case, then no. No, as long as there are pictures. Incredibly detailed pictures."

The smile she flashed quickly faded."This mission requires me to go in alone and unarmed. As bait," she explained. She heard him shift in his seat and she looked up to see him looking back at her, his eyes narrowed and jaws set in an expression she couldn't readily identify. The sight of Joker looking so serious was unfamiliar and seemed almost alien.

"Bait? For what?" he asked, the humour gone from his voice.

"Morinth, the criminal Samara's been hunting for the past several centuries. She's a kind of succubus, I guess you could say. When she mates, she kills. It's very important to Samara that Morinth be brought to an end. In order to do this, I need to get her to invite me back to her apartment. There are certain... _methods_ I may have to employ to make this happen. I just wanted to let you know."

"Yep," he said. "Okay."

"If I could have waited to have this conversation until after shift, I would have done."

"Bailie. It's part of the mission. I get it. Don't worry about it," he said disarmingly with a shrug of his shoulder.

She was caught off guard. _Is that the first time he's used my first name?_ She placed her hands on the countertop and slid off of it onto her good leg.

"Don't let her suck your brains out or whatever it is she does, alright?" he said, but his expression looked a little more worried than his words let on. She looked behind her to make sure no one was looking, and gently placed her hand on his shoulder.

"I'll do my best to keep them in my skull."

"Yeah. And...hey," he began and Bailie saw a wry smile spread across his face. "_Pictures._"


	15. Chapter 15 Prey

_"Don't stand too close to me_

_If you're left alone with me, oh_

_And leave that door opened_

_Get someone to keep us company_

_'Cause I've been making up a list of things I'd do to you_

_As we would dance on either side of the room_

_But it's too late, I'd never say it_

_Anyway, I'm taken and we're both leaving with who we came"_

_- Dragonette - "Liar"_

Omega seemed bigger, grittier, greyer than ever and as Shepard she approached the Afterlife club for the second time that night she felt her resolve wavering_I feel naked without my armour. I feel naked without my guns. _She took a deep breath, smoothing her face into an expressionless mask as she headed resolutely towards the VIP section of the club, the password fresh in her mind.

Dance music was playing inside the club; the heavy bass vibrating unpleasantly in her leg as they drew nearer. Samara signaled for them to stop a short distance from the turian bouncer. His eyes passed over them momentarily, a bored expression on his face. As soon as she was sure he was not paying attention, Shepard looked towards her companion; the asari half hidden in the shadows. _I don't feel good about this, _she thought as she recalled the grainy videos of Morinth's most recent victim.

"I'm only armed with a password here. This isn't what I'm used to," she confessed, nervously touching her neck with her fingertips.

Samara smiled reassuringly. "I will be watching from the shadows, Shepard. You will not be left alone with her."

"Yes. I know," she said resolutely and straightened up. "Let's get this done."

"You know what to do. Remember, do not get too personal with Morinth. Do not talk about feelings or family. Stick with interests."

"Right. Let's go." She turned and walked out of the shadows allowing herr hips to sway slightly as she approached the bouncer. "Hey. A friend tells me _this_ is where it's _really_ at." The turian bouncer flickered his mandibles, in surprise perhaps, or simple enthusiasm at having something to do.

"Sounds like a smart friend. What's their name?"

"Jaruut," Bailie replied nonchalantly.

"He seems to be sending over a lot of you short human types lately. Go on in," he said and tossed his head as he stepped aside. She winked at him and then stepped forward, into a world of noise.

/

Joker fidgeted with the plastic lid of his coffee cup, his eyes glued to the security cam feed. Though the placement of the camera wasn't ideal - Shepard and an asari whom he could only assume was Morinth were just visible in the upper left corner. He'd watched the asari's initial approach, had seen her invite Bailie to join her. Now the two were sat next to each other at a table. He watched as Morinth's hand trailed tenderly down the side of Bailie's face as she pressed close to her. Morinth leaned forward, her posture inviting and somehow menacing, like a spider moving swiftly across its web to sting its entangled prey. As she allowed her fingers to drift down Bailie's arm, Joker felt the little hairs on the back of his neck stand up. _Get out of there, get out of there __now__,_ he thought silently, his whole body going rigid. She whispered something he didn't quite catch into Shepard's ear, who snickered as if laughing at a dirty joke, allowing the asari's to fingers to slide down her arm to her leg as she moved in a little closer.

Joker frowned as a sharp pang of jealousy welled up inside him. _It's not fair._ His eyes narrowed as he stared at the black and white image of Morinth in disgust. That was how _he_ should be holding her; touching her. _Who is this asari? Who does she think she __is__?_ Morinth now had one arm around Bailie, the other resting possessively on Baillie's good knee, their foreheads touching.

_"What's this?"_ he heard the asari ask. _"What are you playing with?" _Morinth gave a knowing smile as Bailie held out her hand. "_It looks like a Hallex wrapper to me."_

"_It might be,_" Shepard replied coyly.

"_You're the most interesting person in this place. I knew it the moment I saw you,_" Morinth said and smiled as she shook her head, taking the bit of silver paper from her. Joker peered at the image. It was vaguely bird shaped. Morinth frowned at it.

"_Got you... it's just a bit of garbage,"_ he heard Bailie utter. She plucked it from Morinth's fingers and dropped it on the table. He looked at the blurry image of the little foil crane she'd been keeping in her pocket, lying on the table.

"_I want to be alone with you, Bailie. I want you._" Morinth tickled under Shepard's chin. Joker found himself biting and grinding his teeth on the plastic lid of his coffee cup. _Bitch, _he thought, staring at Morinth as she stood up, staring at the way she cocked her hip and beckoned for Bailie to follow. _You_ _bitch._

Shepard stood up as well, allowing Morinth to lead the way. As she passed the table, he saw Bailie quickly snatch up the piece of foil and drop it back in her pocket. A grin twitched at the corner of his mouth and he spat out the plastic lid, now thoroughly chewed up. _Shit. I guess I __am__ the jealous type._

/

Shepard looked out the window of the obviously expensive apartment. The furnishings that decorated the place - trophies, that much was immediately obvious - chilled her to the bone. The apartment was little more than a bright graveyard full of clean headstones. Morinth's vague comments about each item as she looked at them filled Bailie with disgust; the asari's game of cat and mouse patently obvious. _Perhaps it wouldn't be as apparent if I was under her spell._

Morinth _was_ beautiful; even alluring both in appearance and manner. Even her scent was attractive. Clean and spicy with a hint of something else; something that awakened primal instincts deep within Bailie. As she looked back over her shoulder she saw that the asari had seated herself on the couch, one leg draped over the other. She was moving a hand up and down her thigh, stroking it. Her smile was soft and inviting; and she radiated a warmth that tugged at Bailie, pulling her forward even though the cautious part of her wanted to stay rooted to the spot. She knew she needed to join Morinth soon. _She'll get suspicious if I don't look like I'm into being here._

She disguised her limp as best she could as she walked to the couch, seating herself facing Morinth. The asari leaned forward, her eyes seeking Bailie's. Giving her a slightly vacant stare, Bailie did her best to appear consumed by her unwitting adversary's beauty. The trick appeared to work as she felt Morinth's sharp fingernails gently trace the fabric of her sleeve.

"I'm so glad we're alone," she purred. _Oh God, where the fuck is Samara?_

"Yes," Morinth whispered back. "So much better away from prying eyes." Shepard reached up, touching Morinth's head, her fingers running along one of the asari's thick, ridged blue head tentacles. This seemed to excite her for she looked at Bailie, her eyes brimming with desire as she pushed her down on the couch, her full lips brushing against Bailie's neck. It felt good; _too_ good. Bailie closed her eyes willing herself to focus and ignore the pleasant sensation. _Where is Samara? She promised me I wouldn't be left alone here! I can't stall this forever!_

"Look at me," Morinth whispered breathily. Bailie swallowed. _Fuck._ She felt Morinth's nails on her cheek scraping her skin as she turned her head. Their noses touched. "Your eyes are so bright. So clear." Bailie drew in a breath filled with the delicate, sweet scent that surrounded the asari and felt the edges of her mind begin to corrode, her thoughts clouding over. She fumbled for the pocket of her jacket as Morinth leaned over her, poised as a viper ready to strike. "Look at me," Morinth commanded again and before she was even conscious of it Bailie found herself complying.

Morinth's eyes widened, suddenly becoming the black void that Bailie knew was the beginning of a mind meld. She startled, all her muscles snapping taut in reflex. Something wasn't right. She struggled and was rapidly restrained, her mind sluggish and frozen; her eyes locked in Morinth's empty stare. She felt Morinth's mind inside her own; poking, prying, _invading._ Dimly, she became aware of pain and realized she was clenching her fists, her nails drawing blood from her palms. _Fuck you. Get out._ Feeling began returning to her body, and it was only then that she realised how numb she'd been. _I said, get the fuck out._

"Surprise," she snarled, and in the same instant the door to the apartment opened to reveal Samara, her weapon drawn.

/

The coffee machine was out again. Joker sighed. The damn coffee machine was _always_ out. As Joker poked through the cupboards for a fresh packet of ground beans, he noticed the ambient lighting in the Mess brighten a little. _Morning. _He looked towards the elevator, a silver packet of coffee in his hands. _How long's it been now? _ The shuttle had come in right on the tail end of shift. He'd expected Bailie to come up to see him or at least be waiting in the Mess as was her wont, but she hadn't appeared. He'd spent the next few hours tossing and turning until he finally gave up and had come to the Mess for coffee and a distraction if there was one to be had. As it was, the grainy black and white images he'd seen on the vid feed kept coming into his to mind. He snorted in annoyance as he made his way over to the counter to get some food. _It doesn't make any sense for me to be as pissed off as I am, but dammit, I'm jealous._

Gardner offered him a plate of eggs and toast. He all but snatched from the chef's hand, mumbling under his breath as he turned to leave.

"The words are '_thank you_,' Moreau," Gardner called after him.

"Yeah," he replied absently and sat at a table in the corner. _Shift in an hour_, he thought as he looked at the time on his Omni-tool and took a bite of the toast. He watched as other crewmembers drifted in. People were getting breakfast now and starting to swing into the rythm of another day. Garrus and Tali sat at a table in the centre of the room as they often did and he looked at them over the rim of his mug, downing the last of his coffee. _They sure spend a lot of time together. I wonder if -_

"You're up early," chirped Kelly from just behind him.

"Oh," he said.

"'_Oh_?' What kind of greeting is that?" she asked, wrinkling her nose and smiling playfully at him. "Anyways, you only ever roll out of bed five minutes before shift."

"Sleep's for the weak," he grumbled. Kelly made as if to sit down and he took his feet off the other chair, pulling his own tray closer to him to make room for hers. "I'm just leaving anyway."

"Where to? You're not on duty for a little while yet."

"No, I've not _got to be_ there, but I _like to be_ there." Joker shrugged and stacked his empty mug on his plate.

"Are you alright, Joker? You didn't get much sleep last night did you?"

"Never better. I am strong… like bull," Joker grabbed his plate and stood up to leave.

"Right. See you after shift, then," she said and waved as he headed off. _Maybe it wouldn't kill me to hang around and talk with her sometime. She's not so bad. _To tell the truth, he'd felt a little closer to Kelly after telling her about his feelings for Shepard. He'd let it slip accidentally to Jacob in the gym as well, but instead of being teased like he expected, he'd been met with polite, curious questions. It felt nice somehow to know that others knew and understood.

He headed towards the cockpit, taking his time as he went. As he approached the pilot's seat, a familiar feeling settled over him. _It's like I'm coming home. It never gets old,_ he thought and smiled to himself.

"Hello, Joker." A voice came from the pilot's seat as he drew nearer.

"Harrison," Joker replied and put his hand on the seat's headrest. "Go and head off. I'll have her a few minutes early today."

"Yeah?" asked the young man with a yawn. "Okay." He vacated the seat quickly. "I hope there's toast left."

Joker lowered himself carefully into the seat, tapping silently on the holographic keyboard that popped up and then leaned back; looking outside for a moment. The _Normandy_ was his again. His euphoria didn't last however as with a simple keystroke he opened his inbox and frowned. _I forgot it was Maintenance Reports day today._ Opening the first of many attachments, he leaned heavily on the armrests and began filling out the spreadsheets with data. _Boring._ After the fourth or fifth multi-paged monstrosity, he looked out the window again. _How long has it been?_ Allowing himself a look at the clock, he winced as he saw the disgustingly slow rate at which time was crawling by. _Two hours._

He found himself looking repeatedly for the course correction indicator. Typically Shepard sent new course changes to him within a couple of hours of returning from a mission but for some reason nothing arrived. A half hour later, he'd given up waiting for orders and was thoroughly engrossed reading armchair philosophies on the extranet when his Omni-tool gave its distinctive chime signaling a message had come in. Blinking in surprise, he looked down at his forearm.

_ 'hey. i'm tied up so can't stop by. i've got a little while later. would like to talk with you.'_

He shook his head.Shepard. Shepard and her lack of capitalisation. He typed a response almost immediately. _'Why is it that you properly punctuate these but never capitalise?'_

_ 'see you after shift,'_ was her response.

_ 'No seriously, there's a setting for that.'_

_'come upstairs when you're free?'_

_ 'I will.'_

Joker frowned absently at the blinking cursor and tugged on the brim of his cap as he took a moment to think. Finally he typed, _'What is it you want to talk about?' _His finger hovered above the enter key, but he thought better of it. _I know damn well what she wants to talk about. I need to stop thinking about it. There are things to do._ He determinedly stopped looking at his Omni-tool, going back instead to his inbox to drag up another spreadsheet and begin allocating timeframes for maintenance tasks. As hard as he tried to concentrate on the task at hand, he found himself stopping every few rows to push away the vid feed images that persistently bubbled up in his mind. _This is not the time,_ he mentally chastised himself.

He pushed back his cap, scratching his head in frustration. _Dammit! This is affecting my job. This is __exactly__ what I was afraid of and why I didn't approach her on the __SR1__._ Shifting around to look, he saw that the hallway was empty and of course Shepard was nowhere to be seen but he found himself looking for her anyway momentarily before resigning himself back to the displays. He sighed heavily. _Maybe all this isn't a good idea. There are more important things that I __should__ be concentrating on. Like flying this ship. Like finishing these stupid reports. Like __anything__ else..._ _But... this isn't just about me is it? It's... this is more than that. A lot more than that. _His eyes felt scratchy and the image of the Equivalent Airspeed display was burned into his retinas. Realising he'd been staring at nothing for several moments, he blinked to both moisten his eyes and clear his head too.

He continued to scan the readouts every few seconds although they showed nothing unusual and he pulled up a second display anyway, mindful of the effects of gravitational pull from the systems' multiple planets on orbital decay. _Can't be too careful._

"You seem distracted, Mr Moreau," he heard the calm, almost soothing voice of the ship's AI say.

"I am _now_," he growled in response, shooting its irritatingly serene holographic representation a dirty look. _I __hate__ that thing._

"For the past three hours and seventeen minutes, your blood has exhibited heightened levels of adrenaline and testosterone and your physical movements indicate you may be experiencing anxiety. Is something wrong?"

"No. Nothing's wrong. Wait - in my _blood?_ Great, you've got x-ray vision, too."

"Hardly. Your seat is equipped with visual, olfactory and tactile sensors which feed data into my processors," EDI replied.

Joker narrowed his eyes at the shimmering blue sphere. "Great. I'm being felt up by the AI," he muttered under his breath.

"I assure you, my monitoring of your biological signs is for your protection and has no sexual implication."

"Right. So, tell me EDI, if you're trying to figure out what I'm feeling by what I smell like, what _do_ I smell like?" he asked wryly. "In layman's terms."

"Based on the collation of data available to me... vexed."

"Do you think that has anything to do with your piping up when I'm trying to finish these reports?"

"Your last keystroke on a report was recorded eleven minutes and forty three seconds ago. I concluded that you were _daydreaming,_ Mr Moreau."

"Actually," he muttered darkly, opening a spreadsheet again. "I'm _thinking_ about something, EDI. There's a difference."

"Your reluctance to elaborate suggests it is a personal matter," it said, its tone seeming either curious or bemused; he couldn't tell. Joker hated the way the central line in EDI's sphere - he guessed it was meant to be a mouth - blipped when it idled. It did just that, blipping away as it appeared to wait patiently for his response.

"Go recalibrate something. I'm busy," he grumbled.

"Actually, I am already in the midst of three million, three hundred thousand and eleven separate calculations, some of which are calibrations involving dynamic variables, Mr Moreau."

"Well, start again then," he responded hotly.

"Very well. I will be unable to respond to your requests for the next eight seconds."

"I wasn't being serious, EDI," he sighed.

"Neither was I." Joker stopped typing and looked at the blinking sphere, his eyes narrowing in confusion.

"I would have been unable to accept new processes for six seconds," it elaborated, and Joker just shook his head.


	16. Chapter 16 Absolution

_"Efforts of lovers_

_Left in my mind_

_I sing in the reaches_

_We'll see what we find_

_People they come together_

_People they fall apart_

_No one can stop us now_

_'Cause we are all made of stars"_

_- Moby - "We Are All made of Stars"_

Bailie scrubbed her whole body for the fourth time, her skin beginning to feel raw under the hot spray. She looked down through the steam at the water splashing around her toes and sighed, putting the bar of soap back in its holder and turned off the water. _I still feel dirty._ Her feeling of guilt was a palpable slime on her skin that she just couldn't get rid of. Stepping towards the mirror she wiped it with her hand and looked at her reflection as her fingers clasped and then tightened on the rim of the sink. _Could there have been another way? _

Samara had certainly made it sound as if it was the only way. _Maybe it was just the __easiest__ way. If I'd stopped to think before just agreeing... if I'd analysed it more closely, perhaps I'd have found something. _Even as she thought the words, she shook her head. _No, time was of the essence. Who knows when Morinth would have moved on? She had to be stopped._ Then her brows came together; she couldn't lie to herself; Morinth's touch, her desire had felt good, and that too weighed on Bailie's conscience.

Bailie ran her hand over her head, her eyes narrowing in distaste over the the length of her hair and reached for the razor. As she watched the tiny particles of hair fall into the sink, she continued to review the scene in her mind, over and over like a reel of film. She rinsed her face with cold water and reached for her clothing. _I don't have to justify myself like this. This was the way the mission was supposed to play out. I was informed; even __Joker__ was informed of the things I might need to do to get this done. I'm in the right here. _Shepard paused as she slid her jacket over her shoulders and buttoned up the collar. _But whoever said I was in the wrong?_

As she left the washroom, she cast a look at her Omni-tool. Shift ended eight minutes ago. Not knowing quite what to do with herself, she leaned against the wall facing the door. Bailie was certain Joker would arrive at any minute. If it was any other night, she might have seen to her e-mails or signed off on a report in the spare minutes, but not tonight. Tonight she found it difficult to concentrate on much of anything else until she'd had a chance to let her guilt off her chest. _I don't know if he's even upset,_ she thought as she paced across the floor in front of her desk. A few minutes passed in silence with Shepard staring across at the bright fishtank mounted in the wall before a chime rang through the room.

As she pressed the door release, she was flooded with anxiety that left her frozen and unable to meet Joker's eyes as he entered the room. She moved aside wordlessly allowing him to enter. He obliged, but stopped just a few feet inside, leaning on the wall.

"Commander," he said quietly, his face darkening with what Bailie saw as anger. She wilted inside.

"Joker. Thanks for coming," she replied quietly, trying not to show how taken aback she was by his sudden return to use of her title in a private setting. "Will you come sit down?"

"I'm alright standing. I've been sitting down all day," he said flatly, crossing his arms and tilting his head back dismissively.

"Well, that's not like you," she said and met his eyes. She gave him a soft smile, her eyebrows lifting in an expression of inquisitive concern. He sighed heavily but remained silent and Bailie realised that her attempt at small talk was not going as well as she'd hoped. Her cheeks burned in embarrassment, an odd contrast to the feeling of dread that weighed heavily in her stomach.

"So what's the story, Joker? You're acting oddly…"

"Just... I don't know," Joker muttered.

"It's the mission, isn't it?" she asked, a sigh escaping her. "I keep trying to think if there was another way," she said, leaning on the opposite wall.

"Look, I know it was the mission, I get what had to be done," he said and looked up, revulsion written across his face. "Just... you know, how _could_ you? You didn't have to be so _into it._" Bailie blinked in surprise at his outburst.

"Joker, I told you that I -"

"_Yeah,_ I _know_ you did. But you sure seemed eager to have your hands all over _her_, too. I saw it on the vid feeds."

"I didn't-"

"You _did_," he snapped.

"Well, it wouldn't have been very convincing if I'd remained stiff as a board, would it?" she barked back, hurt by his accusation. It had been hard - at first - to will herself into faking passionate enthusiasm, but she had to admit that it had been hard to extricate herself from Morinth's grasp; that she hadn't _wanted _to remove herself. She looked up to see him watching her, both anger and pain clearly visible in his eyes. When he realized she was looking at him, he pulled his hat down as a slight flush crept up his cheeks. It was the first time she had raised her voice for other than a battlefield command in a long time, and the sound made her flinch. She closed her eyes, willing herself to speak softly. _Calm down,_ her mind instructed. _Being defensive is not helping anything._ "I'm sorry," she said and realised that she was tense, her body pressing tightly against the wall. Taking a deep breath, she allowed her shoulders to droop in an effort to appear more relaxed. "I'm sorry," she repeated, softer this time. Joker looked about to speak and then remained silent, his lips pressed together tightly. "She had to be stopped," Bailie continued. "You read the report and if you were watching the feeds then you were probably privy to what we found out about her latest victim. I did what I thought I had to do."

"Stop apologising," he replied brusquely. Bailie was quiet for a moment. "Look, I've been thinking about this whole _you and me_ thing all damn day and I don't know what to do about it." He uncrossed his arms, letting them drop to his sides. Bailie's heart sank a little.

"I told you before that it wasn't going to bite you in the ass if you wanted to walk away. I stand by my word," she said looking up at him again. He glanced at her and then down at the floor, his face angry and sullen.

"Well that's just it," he said, crossing his arms again. "I don't want to walk away, but, I -"

"Joker," she interjected, tilting her head slightly as she looked up. "I really feel awful."

"Yeah," he snapped, giving a derisive snort. Bailie could see he was pressed up against the wall as if recoiling from her. She sighed. _He really knows how to shove people away when he wants to._

"I-"

"Look, I said to stop apologising," he said sharply.

"I wasn't apologising," she said gently. "I was telling you how I feel."

"Well it sounds like apologising to me."

"I feel terrible about the way this has made you feel," she said and watched him shift his weight uncomfortably as she continued. "The whole thing's left me feeling horrible too. And... well, _dirty_."

"Uh-huh."

"Joker, you're being unreasonable," she said insistently, feeling herself tensing up again. She took another deep breath, forcing herself to relax.

"Unreasonable? What's _reason_ got to do with this?" He crossed his arms and looked away, suddenly seeming a little smaller, as if he had uttered something secret and was now ashamed of it.

"It's just that I told you what I might've needed to do before the mission even happened."

"I know you did," he shot back, but the edge was gone from his voice.

"You said you understood."

"I know I did."

"So why don't you understand?" she asked, exasperation creeping into her voice.

"I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"No. I don't know," he said and shook his head, shifting his weight awkwardly.

Bailie looked at him silently for a moment, finally saying,

"Can we please go and sit down now? I think this merits real discussion." She waved her hand towards the cabin's small sitting room.

Joker shot her a quick look.

"Yeah. Alright," he said; his voice barely above a whisper.

She nodded and made her way towards the couch, sitting on the far edge of the couch as she turned to see whether he was following her. Joker came into the room, pausing by the corner of her desk to pick up the crushed foil crane she had left by the computer before continuing on to the couch.

"It was in my hand when Morinth attacked," she said as he sat down.

"It's got blood on it!" he exclaimed.

She smiled ruefully as she held up her hand, the cuts from her nails clearly visible on her palm. His expression softened as he placed the crumpled foil on the table and sat down next to her. After a moment, he slid the cap off his head, looking down at it and fiddling with the fabric.

"It's not that I don't understand," he said, breaking the momentary silence. "It's not that simple. I guess I just... I thought I might enjoy seeing something like that but instead it just made me want to peel the tentacles off her head."

"You were jealous?" she asked.

"Yeah. I mean no, I - Yes. Aw, _hell_," he grumbled and straightened up.

"I've... not had anyone feel that way about me before. But I understand. If our situation had been reversed I wouldn't have liked to have watched either, even if it was just a mission." Bailie reached over and squeezed his arm. He put his hand over hers, his fingers firm as he pulled her into his arms.

"I've felt this way about you for a _long_ time," he said, and kissed her. His grip on her was hard and unyielding as he held her close; a fact that surprised her given his medical background. As the kiss ended he began to explore; his lips moving first to her cheek, then to the soft skin of her neck before travelling back up to her mouth. She slid her arms around his neck, soaking in his warmth from where their bodies touched. Her hands began to move of their own volition and as they traced a path across his shoulders and down his sides, she felt him tense. As their kiss ended, she felt his breath against her lips and his stubble scratching lightly against her skin. He smelled faintly of soap; a fresh, clean odor, so _different_ from Morinth's rather musky scent. It smelled _good_. She pressed herself to him again as fire ignited deep within her. As she returned his kisses she found she couldn't breathe, couldn't think; could only _do. _He responded to her increased intensity, one hand sliding beneath her legs and pulling her across his lap. She wrapped her arms around him, allowing her fingers to trail down his arms and enjoying his tight embrace. His lips reconnected with hers, his mouth insistent and seeking. As she felt her lips begin to part under the pressure she became aware of an entirely different kind of hardness under her legs. It was a response she'd wanted, even hoped for. She found herself pulling the black fabric on the sides of his uniform, urging him on, wanting to feel his skin against her own but his hands stayed clasped around the small of her back even though their lips were locked together. Puzzled, she pulled back from him, her breathing harsh and shallow.

"God, Jeff..." she began, her throat dry and her voice scratchy; rough.

"Too much?" he asked.

She shook her head. "No... no, not _nearly_ enough. Unless you don't want it."

"Oh, I _want_ it," he said and swallowed. "But..."

"What's wrong?" she asked, concern for his wellbeing forcing itself through the haze of passion clouding her mind.

He hesitated, looking away somewhat ashamedly. Finally he looked back at her. "You know when I told you this new to me? Never panned out? All my time _watching_ hasn't really prepared me..." his voice trailed off.

Suddenly something clicked in Bailie's head. _He's a virgin?_ After a few seconds of processing, it made sense._ His medical condition always made him need to keep others away. _ She remembered his telling her he'd done nothing but concentrate in school; eschewing social contact in favour of keeping his grades up. He looked up at her, the nervousness plain in his eyes. She smiled reassuringly and leaned towards him whispering, "It's alright. Just do what feels good. It comes naturally. Trust me."

He nodded; his hands moving slowly over her skin, carefully exploring every part of her they touched. Joker's hands were not a soldier's. He didn't spend his days holding a gun, absorbing damage and dragging himself through rough terrain; his hands moved precisely across data screens, easing and fine-tuning position, course and timing as he plotted an intricate course through space and they moved in much the same way over her body now. As his hands made their way down the front of her jacket, she opened her eyes and saw him looking at her and she felt herself warm at the bright, alert look in his eyes. That look was something she'd always found attractive about him. This time however, it contained a mixture of tenderness and uncertainty that moved her deeply in a way that she couldn't – no, _wouldn't_ name.

Joker flushed as her eyes caught his and then noisily cleared his throat. She took his hands and slid off his lap, pulling him up and leading him the few feet to the bed. She began to unfasten the top half of his uniform and felt his muscles tighten under her fingers. After a moment however, he relaxed and began to reciprocate, feeling around the collar of her jacket for the clasp. Bailie swallowed dryly and undid his belt with her left hand, pulling it out of his belt loops and tossing it aside. It clinked sharply as it hit the floor and the sound sending little thrills of excitement up her spine. Her fingers found their way underneath the waistband of his pants and she slid the loosened fabric towards his knees, leaving a trail of kisses down his chest as she followed them down.

He stepped forward and out of the heap of cloth at his feet and stopped Bailie's descent, pulling her gently up to face him. His hands rounded the soft curves of her shoulders, taking her jacket with them. Bailie pulled off her thin black undershirt over her head, and tossed it away, the room's chill barely registering over the blaze of mind and body. Her eyes never left his as she hurriedly undid her own belt, letting her pants slide down her legs. He pulled her closer and as their bodies touched, her heart began hammering in her chest, the foot of the bed pressing hard against the backs of her knees. The strength in his arms surprised her as he grabbed her and pushed her down. They fell onto the bed in a tangled heap, and then he rolled over pulling her on top of him.

"_Je te veux,_" he whispered as his teeth grazed her ear, his breath ragged. She could feel his heart pounding through his chest. "_J'ai __besoin__ de toi,"_ She didn't recognize the language and his words didn't make any sense to her. However, she was not inclined to ask for a translation, being far more focused on what was happening between them - the remaining clothing being peeled off, the feeling of his lips on her neck, throat and breasts - all served to drive conscious thought from her mind. _Yes,_ was the only thought she could form amid the burning, inarticulate _want_. _Yes__, yes, yes...! _Bailie bit her lip looking down at him beneath her. His hands clasped her thighs and he met her eyes for a brief second, following her hand as she swept it from his chest down to his stomach and beyond. She smiled softly as he twitched at her touch, involuntarily pressing up harder into her hand. Bailie leaned down and kissed his neck and cheek as sweet fire overwhelmed her. _This_ was what she wanted. _He_ was what she wanted.

"_Jeff_," she whispered into his ear. He groaned in response, softly at first and then more loudly as their bodies joined and he began to move beneath her. The movement was rough, instinctual; bereft of any cadence. She found herself responding to his movement and she arched beneath him; aching for him to move faster, harder, find _just _the right spot. He moved against her with a familiar urgency and as she heard him suck in a breath through his teeth, a small part of her mind begged _no, slow down, make it last, _but it was too late. She opened her eyes to see him biting his lip, his eyes closed in an expression of bliss as his movements slowed. Her own needs pressed upon her and she continued to move hopefully until it was clear there would be no immediate resolution. Sighing, she rolled off to cuddle up next to him, thinking philosophically, _well, there's always next time. _

He wrapped an arm around her and lay still, his gaze directed up towards the skylight. She rolled onto her back to look out as well, watching wisps of blue mass effect field dart by against the backdrop of stars.

"Bailie?" he asked turning towards her.

"Mmm?" she murmured in reply, slowly dragging her eyes away from the colourful clouds streaming by.

"Nothing," he said, but the look on his face read otherwise.


	17. Chapter 17 Lessons

_"But tell me, did you sail across the sun_

_Did you make it to the Milky Way_

_To see the lights all faded_

_And that Heaven is overrated_

_Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star_

_One without a permanent scar_

_And did you miss me while you were _

_Looking for yourself out there"_

_- Train - "Drops of Jupiter"_

Bailie's fingers twitched as she awakened. She became aware of the warmth of Joker's body pressed against her back and the sheets tangled around one of her legs. Her eyes opened part-way and she propped herself up on her elbows, blinking in the darkness. Joker stirred and Bailie could just make out his slow, deep breathing. She smiled as she lay back down, snuggling back up against him. _That was the best sleep I've had in a long time, _she thought. Most nights she woke up every couple hours and lay staring at the wall until she could trick herself into falling back asleep. Joker's arm slid over her waist and she drifted off into a time and place where there were no Collectors, no Reapers, no Cerberus and no Illusive Man. Instead, golden sunlight streaked through silhouetted palm leaves waving silently outside a glass door, its warmth filling the simple, yet cheery room and making its white walls glow. A picture of a penguin hung on the wall. There was no reason to move. No reason to get up. There was really only the two of them, and perhaps later when they decided to move there would be some conversation over iced fruit by the seaside. _Maybe later... _

Joker jerked suddenly, his arms clamping around her like a vice and Bailie snapped awake with a gasp.

"Shepard!" he cried, his voice thick with sleep. Just as quickly as he had grabbed hold of her, his grip relaxed. He blinked but there was no cognizance in his unfocused eyes, caught in the space between wakefulness and dreams. "I tried... I tried..." He muttered. Bailie raised herself up on her elbows looking down at him and gently stroked his cheek.

"Wake up," she said softly. Joker blinked again, the light slowly returning to his eyes.

"Bailie?" he asked, his tone disbelieving.

"Yes. It was just a dream." Her voice was a whisper.

"Er... yeah." He shook his head sharply as if to clear it of the dream's influence and then lay still, closing his eyes, and asked, "How long have we been sleeping?"

"I'm not sure. Not too long. You sure you're alright?"

"It was just a dream, like you said... I'm just fine. I've already forgotten about it," he replied, his eyes travelling down her body, nude but for her shin covered by the sheet. He swallowed nervously, before reaching out and running a slightly shaky hand up her side, his fingers lingering at her collarbone. "I could - I could really get used to this, you know."

"Yeah?" She pressed her forehead to his, a coy smile playing about her lips.

"Uh-huh. But... I'm not sure. See, unlike a ship, you don't have buttons to press and a steering column. I'm not really sure how to make you _fly_," he said with a grin that was half sheepish and half full of mischief. "I think need to try this out some more."

"We'll worry about me a little later. Right now, though..." She couldn't hide a broad smile for long as she slid off the bed, beckoning to him as she stepped back across the cold floor. "I want you to follow me."

The water was warm the instant Bailie flicked the shower switch. She heard the sound of his footfalls behind her over the hiss of the water and moved aside, gesturing him towards the spray. Without hesitation he stepped in, ducking his head and shoulders into the heat and looked over his shoulder at her expectantly. Bailie grinned and with one eye closed against the torrent Joker clapped his hand onto her shoulder, clumsily pulling her to him. The wet heat of his skin pressed to hers sent a pleasurable tingle down her spine.

"A fantasy fulfilled," she said into his ear and was pleased at the sudden rush of colour that came to his cheeks. She loved the way the water ran in rivulets down his body, flattening his hair and curving like miniature rivers over his muscles. Droplets ran off the tip of his nose and onto her neck. Bailie bit her lip.

"Oh. Thought about this before?" he asked, his hands fumbling against her, unsure where to put them. Eventually they found their way to her hips. Bailie answered only by kissing him roughly, undeterred by the warm water flowing into their mouths**. **His hands traveled across her body.. Every caress sent a frisson of electricity across her skin and she rubbed herself against him. Joker was a quick learner and her obvious excitement seemed to inspire him into finding new ways, new places to touch her and it wasn't long before she felt weak in the knees. Unable to restrain the desire gnawing away at her insides, Bailie pushed him up against the wall, ignoring his gasp of shock at the cold tiles against his bare skin. He looked down at her mutely, the longing in his eyes matching her own. Her need for completion was pressing, leaving her with no time to be gentle and she hooked one leg around him. Joker wavered slightly, his hands against the walls for balance. She threw her arms around his neck and closed her eyes in pleasure at hearing the soft sound he made as she took him inside her.

They moved together, Bailie's lips parting in a soft moan of pure pleasure.. There was nothing but his presence. The clouds of steam beginning to condense on the walls, the sound of water and even the sensation of it snaking its way down her back all seemed to fade away, replaced by the simple rhythm. The kisses he trailed across her cheeks, neck and collarbone weren't enough. The arms he lifted and embraced her with weren't enough. The way he breathlessly urged her on and the wild look in his eyes just wasn't enough. When she moved, he moved with her in a clumsy dance, graceless and powerful and everything she needed it to be.

She clutched at him with increasing fervour, feeling that despite it all she just couldn't be close enough to him. She tilted her head to kiss him and felt his lips moving against hers. As they finished the kiss she realized he _was_ saying something although the words were in a language she didn't understand. Her lack of comprehension didn't matter; nothing did except feelings aroused by the touch of his hand and his skin against her own. Another word rolled off his tongue, repeated over and over. Even so, it took her space of a few breaths before she realised she recognized the word; that it was _her_ name he was calling with mounting ardency. She meant to answer with his own but the sound devolved instead to a wordless release of pleasure.

As her senses returned to her she realised their feverish movements had stilled; their breathing slowed, returning to normal as they clung together in pleasant exhaustion, water trickling down her back and his neck. _This is perfect, _she thought as she closed her eyes. She felthis wet, short hair touch to her forehead and she smiled at him warmly, filled with a pleasant and lazy sense of well-being.

"Hey," he said, his voice low and warm, a smile evident in his tone.

"Hey," she responded, roused from her reverie.

"You want to go and be lazy?" he asked, gesturing back towards the bed behind the door. _It's a few hours yet until shift, _she thought, then kissed his cheek, hit the shower's button to stop the water flow and took his hand.

"Yes. Yes, I do."


	18. Chapter 18 Familiar Monsters

_"You talk about things that nobody cares_

_Wearing other things that nobody wears_

_You're callin' my name but I gotta make clear_

_I can't say baby where I'll be in a year"_

_- Aerosmith - "Sweet Emotion"_

Joker awakened and looked around groggily, disoriented for a moment by the room's openness and the realization that he wasn't alone. He rolled onto his side, smiling as he reached out to touch Bailie still fast asleep beside him. _This... happened,_ he thought as his gaze traveled the length of her body. The concept was simple but he still found himself having difficulty processing it._ This is __still__ happening. _Bailie stirred, turning restlessly in her sleep. He could feel her slow, regular breathing as soft touches of warm air against his chest. He watched her silently and when she settled down again he returned to his thoughts. _I've just bedded the Commander._ He grinned to himself, feeling more than a little smug as he looked down at her. _Yep._ His grin faded as next he found himself trying to quantify what it meant; what he felt. Next to him lay somebody who played many roles in his life. Bailie Shepard was his boss, his friend, his _comrade_ and now... now she was something else, too.

It was nearly time for his shift but he didn't want to get up. In fact, he found himself dreading the moment that he'd have to leave. This surprised him for the cockpit had long been the only place he felt at home. _I always want to fly... but right now, I just want to be here._ He let his head drop back onto one of Bailie's very fluffy pillows as he puzzled over this. Bailie stirred again, inching closer to him and he felt his chest swell and grow tight as his hand moved involuntarily to stroke her tenderly. Being so near to another was still different and strange. _It makes me a little nervous,_ he thought, the old instincts to protect himself through physical withdrawal gnawing at him even as he ran his hand appreciatively down the gentle curve of her arm. _Old habits die hard,_ _but I like this._

"Mmm?" Bailie murmured sleepily.

"Good morning," he replied. "Time to fight crime."

"You been awake long?" she mumbled, rubbing her eyes as she sat up. The covers slid away from her as she moved and he couldn't help but look. He grinned as he saw that she was looking in return, too.

His gaze contained a measure of disappointment when she leaned forward and rather chastely kissed his cheek before getting out of bed. Joker frowned, but followed her lead without complaint. As he was clipping together his belt, he looked at her from over his shoulder and saw her slipping on her jacket. _Today is gonna be a good day._

"I didn't know you spoke another language," she said as she fastened her collar.

"Spoke another...? Oh. Yeah, English isn't my first," he explained with a shrug.

"Could've fooled me."

"Well I guess that's not _entirely_ true. My mother was from France originally, but followed my dad to Arcturus Station. She only spoke a little English, and after he died... well, we only spoke French at home but it was English around everyone else on the station."

"I see. It's very pretty. So... what was it you said, anyhow?" she asked, tilting her head. Joker paused before replying, pulling his shirt over his head.

"When?"

"When we were... you know, making love," she replied. "My translator didn't kick in. It was only a few words. What was it?"

"I don't remember." He pulled his shirt on, focusing on smoothing it down rather than look at her. He knew exactly what he'd said but now that the moment had come, was loathe to admit it. "Just sweet nothings, I'm sure," he replied.

"Now I'm _really_ curious."

"Learn French," he said and shrugged. "Maybe next time you'll catch it," he said with a sly smile.

Bailie picked up his cap from the coffee table and turned it thoughtfully in her hands before looking up. "_Next time?_" she asked, returning his mischievous expression. "That's a little presumptuous."

"Well... I... you-"

She grinned broadly. "I'm just playing with you, Jeff. Maybe I _will_ endeavour to pick some up. You know. For _next time._" She tossed him the cap.

He snagged it easily out of the air and put it on. "Hey, it's a date," he said, following her out the door, down the hall and into the elevator. He watched as the blue numbers on the dial went by. _I wish we had a little more time._

As the elevator reached the CIC deck, Bailie reached for his hand, giving it a little squeeze. "Have a good day," she said, with a smile as the doors opened.

"Yeah. You too," he replied, stepping out of the elevator.

He enjoyed getting an early start and liked having that in common with her. Usually it was just the two of them starting shift together so he was mildly surprised to see Kelly already present at her station. She saw him as well and waved.

"Good morning!" she chirped.

He passively raised a hand in greeting intending to go past and then stopped. _Come on, man. She deserves more than that. _Somewhat begrudgingly, he turned to her. "Yeah, good morning. How are you?" he replied.

"Oh! I'm fine. No coffee this morning?"

"No, I thought I'd let my sunny disposition carry me through the day."

"You're usually on your third cup by now," she said. She winked and turned back to her terminal. "Did you sleep well?"

"I - yeah. Yeah, actually, I did."

"Right," she said cheerfully. "Harrison's just been relieved. See you later." As she spoke, the crewman walked past her and towards the elevator. Joker watched disinterestedly for a moment then turned back.

"Chambers," he said, nodding at Kelley and then headed off to the cockpit.

/

Some hours into his shift, he found himself drifting back into thoughts of the previous night. He felt a mixture of wonder and confusion, staring out the window into the vast, starry expanse. As he looked out at the thousands of tiny pinpricks of light, he couldn't help but liken them to the multitudes of thoughts in his head. However as much as he tried to get a moment of reflection, EDI was as talkative as ever and he found he couldn't get any peace.

"Your vital signs indicate that you are calmer this morning, Mr Moreau," EDI said in a coolly factual tone, blipping away as she waited for his response.

"Feeling me up again?" he asked, reluctantly shifting his gaze away from the twinkling lights outside and back to his data screens.

"I am merely completing my duties in monitoring the active pilot."

"If I seem calmer it's because I _am_ calmer."

"That was my assertion," she said and Joker rolled his eyes. "Having remarked on the subject of mood with other members of the crew before, in keeping with human communications customs, I had expected you to elaborate."

"Have I ever elaborated before?"

"When I inquire as to your personal well-being, you elaborate on matters twelve point eight percent of the time."

"Right," he mumbled, shaking his head. "So who _elaborates_ the most?" he asked, grinning in curiosity.

"Grunt clarifies his emotional state ninety-eight point three percent of the time. He is a very positive individual."Joker smiled to himself at this and continued to flick through displays. "He is closely followed by Mordin."

"Not a surprise. But yeah, I'm in a pretty good mood today. I guess you could say a personal issue has been resolved, if you want to get specific."

"The phrase '_a personal issue has been resolved_' is not specific, Mr Moreau," EDI said flatly.

"Well...," he began but was interrupted.

"There is an incoming communications call on Channel Zero."

_The Illusive Man,_ he thought grimly, his expression darkening, staring at the tiny green light on the panel to his right as he pressed intercom button.

"Change of plans, Commander," he said into the mike. "Incoming call from the Illusive Man. Patching it through." He leaned back in his seat, suddenly uneasy. _A call from him is never good news. _Turning his gaze out the window again, he stopped himself mid-thought. _Wait, what do I mean by that? It's always good news when we get a step closer to figuring all this out, but... _he let his hands down to rest on the console. _But__. There always __is__ a but, and it's that_ _a call from him means she's about to be thrown headlong into another firefight. Great._ Joker looked back at the screen in front of him, bringing up long streams of data. His brow furrowed as he read over long strings of numbers and words, forcing the worrisome thoughts out of his head. Satisfied with the results of his read-through, he called up a series of diagnostic tools, tweaking numbers to create a new piloting preset for entering atmospheres in difficult conditions. Once finished, he sat back and chewed the lid of his coffee cup. _No, no, no, that's not right,_ he fumed and changed them back for the fifth time. He heard footsteps coming towards him and turned.

Shepard stood a few paces behind his chair, her sleek black and green armour polished to a fine gloss. She did a good job of buffing out the cuts and scrapes in the metal. She seemed to enjoy it and it served to keep her armor looking nearly new despite all the abuse it had taken.

"Commander," he said. Joker remembered that there had been a time where the sight of her ready to go down on a planet had filled him with nothing but fiery determination, a kind of fierce hope and an unshakable confidence. As he looked at her now, he realised that his steadfast faith was still there, buried under a layer of newfound anxiety. _Because I care._ His shoulders felt suddenly heavy as his eyes fell to the armor on her leg; on the newly replaced calf section. He saw her looking at him, waiting for him to speak. This was the first time he had seen her in her armour since she'd been injured and his stomach clenched with the sudden understanding that this also might be the _last_ time he ever saw her. He wanted to say something; to tell her how important she was to him, but once again, what came out was totally different."Everything shipshape?" he asked in a hollow tone. Of _course_ everything was shipshape; he managed it, made sure that it was. That wasn't important. That wasn't even the question.

"Yes. I've forwarded you coordinates," she replied, her tone cool and firm, exuding authority. There was something oddly comforting about the voice she used when giving orders.

"Aye-aye. I set them as our current heading when they were sent through as a Priority One, Commander."

"Very well," she said.

_I said something to you, _he thought, but he kept silent. _I said something to you last night. I'm not sure if you heard me. I don't think you understood me. I -_

"How long until we get there?" she asked, glancing at the main control panel.

"About twenty minutes," he replied. _It scares the shit out of me that I think I meant what I said to you._ "We're prepared for whatever happens, Commander." Her hand came to rest on his shoulder.

"Yes, I know."

It might have been something in the way she lingered momentarily, or perhaps in the ghost of a smile she wore that he noticed her tension. Over the time he'd spent under her command Joker had learned to read Bailie well - when she had wanted to be read. Learning to work out what was really going on in her head in situations like this was considerably more difficult. _But,_ he thought as he watched her reach up and touch the bridge of her nose where some of the old scar was still visible. _She looks as worried as I am. She's so easy to read once you've learned what to look for. I wonder if I'm the same way?_

"I had better get to the shuttle. Garrus and Grunt will be waiting," she said and stepped back, turning around to leave. He swallowed heavily as he watched her walk away.

"Commander?" She stopped in her tracks and half turned, staring at him intently. "I'll see you when you get back," he said with enthusiasm.

"Yes. Of course you will." Bailie nodded and smiled briefly before she turned and went. He forced himself not to watch as she walked away, turning once again to the panels in front of him, burying himself in the tasks at hand to avoid paying attention to the heaviness in his chest any longer.

Eighteen minutes later - Joker knew because he continually looked at the clock - the Collector Ship came within visual range. It sat like a great tumour in space, its rocky, lumpy shape unpleasantly familiar and he felt deeply unsettled as he continued his approach. As he carefully manoeuvered the _Normandy SR2_ closer, dread crept over him. He glanced out the viewport to look at it; see the hulk with his own eyes. It looked… familiar. _Déjà vu,_ he thought as the _Normandy_ silently passed a great steel spire jutting out of the Collector vessel like a large, predatory tooth.

_"I don't like this,"_ he heard Shepard's voice say quietly, just above a whisper. _"This is eerie."_ Neither Garrus nor Grunt responded. He couldn't tell whether the comment had been specifically routed to him or not, so he stayed silent. The shuttle, dwarfed by the massive ship looked like a tiny white breadcrumb as it fell away from the _Normandy,_ smoothly navigating its way to an entry point. He stared at the sensor readouts, carefully listening for the sounds that would tell him they were disembarking from the shuttle.

"EDI," he said, looking at the holographic projector. It flickered to life. "I want you to run some numbers for me."

The results would take some time, but Joker felt he already knew the answer to the question he posed the AI. He scanned the deep fissures in the rocky sides of the Collector vessel, certain that he knew the truth. While normal ship construction was standardized, this vessel looked like a giant hive. Something about the lack of consistency and uniformity bothered him and he felt certain deep within himself that this was the very same ship that destroyed the original _Normandy. _After triple checking for emissions, he determined that its thrusters were still cold and all attack systems offline and brought the Normandy around, searching for a trajectory that would allow him to spring into action should Bailie's team need rescue. He found himself staring into the yawning abyss of the weapon that had completely incinerated the _SR1_'s armour two years before and seething rage swelled in his gut. Because of _that thing_, he'd suffered under constant scrutiny before the Alliance finally grounded him. Because of _that thing_, when faced with the decision between never flying again, or working for an organisation that could well be called terrorist, the decision had been, shamefully, an easy one to make. He narrowed his eyes as he stared at it bitterly; his pride still damaged by the loss of the _SR1_ and of the career he fought so hard and sacrificed so much to obtain. He'd been living in his own personal hell before the offer from Cerberus came, and it was all thanks to _this bastard thing._ And he'd lost a friend that day. He shuddered as the memory of Bailie – shoving him into the escape pod – the explosion – the _knowledge _that she was drifting, unprotected in the atmosphere, her body speeding towards the planet's surface – washed over him once again. _Shit. _He shook his head to clear it before going back to monitoring his screens.


	19. Chapter 19 Run

_"We can reach the sea_

_They won't follow me_

_Shadows, they fear the sun_

_We'll make it if we run!"_

_- The Arcade Fire - "Black Wave / Bad Vibrations"_

_This is the same ship as the one that destroyed the SR1, Mr Moreau. _Joker heard EDI's words in his mind, replaying them again and again. It had been almost an an hour since EDI had confirmed his suspicions; an hour in which he'd been left with nothing to do but monitor the the ground team's movements and watch his screens for any sign of enemy presence. His screens remained static but he felt sure that the Collectors were out there somewhere, watching and waiting; that this was a trap. He continued to silently monitor the screens in front of him, occasionally looking out of the port towards the Collector vessel and listening to the comm chatter from Bailie's team. They hadn't encountered anything. The ship seemed empty. Dead. Yet as the ground team made their way towards the center of the enemy vessel, he found his anxiety increasing. _Where__ are the bastards __hiding__?_ _It can't be coincidence that this is the same ship that blew us out of the sky. _He frowned, his fingers moving nervously against armrest of his chair. _The thrusters are cold, primary systems offline, gravity wells and life support only operational in certain sectors... it doesn't feel right. Not even one dead Collector._ Memory flashed before him. The brilliant light of a high energy laser cutting through the hull. Fire. Explosions. The _SR1_ falling apart all around him. His jaw clenched and he thought, _There there baby,_ _you're not going anywhere. I'll look after you this time._

"Primary systems still offline," EDI said. "Weapons still offline. I am detecting a fluctuation in the main power grid."

"How much of a fluctuation?"

"Point zero zero three percent of the estimated operational output is now being consumed."

"Great," he muttered. "Someone's turned on the kitchen lights." _Readouts still show a fat load of nothing. I don't - Huh?_ Joker caught a blinking green indicator next to his monitors. He pressed it and spoke without thinking.

"Yeah, what," he grunted, too fixated on the steady signals put out by the team to care, whatever it was.

"Helmsman Moreau," Miranda's cold voice rang out from the speaker. _Oh, what do __you__ want,_ he grumbled to himself silently. He knew better than to voice his annoyance further, and instead cleared his throat.

"Yeah," he said, but more neutrally this time. There was an audible pause.

"This is going well so far," she said calmly. _Too_ calmly. Miranda wasn't as good at hiding her irritation as Bailie.. "But," she continued, "I have a strong suspicion that this is a trap, and I'd like you to position us closer to the extraction point."

"We're already on our way," he said with the same feigned civility. _You don't need to tell __me__ how to do __my__ job. I don't tell __you__ how to do __yours__._

"Very well. In addition I'd like you to pass along any readings summaries you get directly to me," she said and paused, apparently waiting for acknowledgment. _What is this, my first day onboard? What the hell's her problem?_

"Wouldn't dream of not doing so,_ Ms Lawson_."

"Very well Mr. Moreau," she said and her mike turned off with a soft click. He shook his head. _What was __that__ about?_

He checked the movement sensors. Bailie and her team were taking their time, advancing through each compartment of the Collector ship slowly. Although he appreciated her caution, he found himself irritated by the slow pace. He wanted her to just get through the place, see what needed to be seen and get out so that... _So that what? So that someone 'more qualified' can go in? More like... So that someone I don't know can go in. Someone I don't care about. _He grew warm; shamed by this sudden understanding, but shoved the emotion roughly to the side, focusing instead on the slow and steady sound of Bailie's breathing, and her occasional comments to her companions as she pressed forward. He wondered what she was seeing. Based upon the ground team's initial description, he envisioned the ship's interior walls to be covered in porous gobs, covered in a thick and viscous slime. The image wasn't pretty and he couldn't imagine why she seemed to stop so frequently to examine her surroundings.

The comm crackled to life. "_Considering most of the atmosphere in here was vented, the temperature is off the chart," _he heard Bailie say. Her voice sounded grimly fascinated. "_It's like the walls are... radiating heat_."

He suddenly remembered a vid he'd seen as a kid. It had been very old - filmed on Earth almost two hundred and fifty years before. The story had been about marines sent to investigate a silenced colony. They'd crept forward quietly into some kind of a nest. It had been hot, black, shiny, and covered in strange bonelike growths. _Is this what the Collector ship is like? _He hoped not for if so, monsters would come bursting forth, unwinding from the walls any minute now and all hell would break loose. He didn't like to think of the way the scene ended. His thoughts were cut short by Shepard's gasp.

_"My God..."_ she whispered. _"This place is huge."_

_ "They could take every human in the Terminus Systems and still not fill all these pods,"_ Garrus said, and after a stunned silence, added _"They're going to target Earth."_

A cold feeling settled in his stomach. The idea truly hadn't occurred to him before but now the pieces seemed to fall into place. _Earth. They are going to Earth_. He was shocked. It had always seemed untouchable; a bastion of safety._Colonies run into trouble and there've been occupations in the past, but Earth? _The scale of such a thing was enormous, almost too big to imagine.

/

Bailie stepped out into the vast section of the ship, looking in awe at millions of podseach one about nine feet tall and four feet wide. They looked like glowing specks dotting the walls and ceiling in neat rows. The arrangement of the pods was the only thing about the ship that seemed organised. The grim thought that somewhere on this ship was a pod they intended for every human she'd ever cared for passed through her mind. Somewhere in this hollowed out section of the ship was a pod they intended for her. She couldn't help but imagine a Collector stuffing Joker into one of those things as she looked at a cluster of the containers nearby and she clutched her rifle harder. _I won't let that happen._ "Come on, let's move out," she said.

"The ground here's softer, like walking on loose soil," Garrus said. She looked back at him. She couldn't see his expression through his opaque visor, but the turian tilted his head.

"Yeah. Why do you suppose that is?" she wondered aloud.

"A lot of this seems biomechanical. Maybe the pods are grown rather than manufactured?" He peered into the distance. "Look," he said and gestured ahead. "A command console." The path narrowed, leading to a circular outcropping in the centre of which stood a small pillar.

"Where is everybody? There aren't even any bodies around except that pile of humans we saw on our way in," Grunt piped up, shifting his bulk from side to side. He moved to stand closer to her and Bailie looked at him appreciatively. She was glad to have him here. "You keep saying something is wrong. Should we go press buttons on that?" Wordlessly she followed Garrus and touched the screen.

/

"Setting up a link with the Collector Vessel," EDI said. Streams of data began pouring in, EDI sorting and processing it. His hands moved rapidly as he skimmed through screens. All of a sudden they went dark but before he could even begin to form a question to EDI, they flickered again and a single image appeared, plastered over the monitors. The weird, antlered head of a Collector stared at him, almost as if it could see him.

"Uh oh. That can't be good."

"System breach," EDI alerted flatly.

"EDI, what the _hell_ is going on!" he barked as override attempt after override attempt failed. Aside from life support the only systems unaffected were the heat sensors, which flared crimson and yellow with a surge of movement. His eyes widened in alarm. _False reads? There's too many of them!_ It was as if they were streaming from the walls themselves, exactly as he had envisioned earlier. Fear for Bailie's life had him stabbing the comm button.

"Comman-"

Something on the unoccupied co-pilot's console sparked and shot across the room, hitting the far wall with a loud clang. In the same instant, the cockpit was enveloped in blackness. Joker leaned forward in his seat, vainly staring into the darkness, suddenly blind.

"... EDI?" he asked, blinking in confusion. The _Normandy_ was completely dead. No lights of any kind, no displays, no hums of electricity. Even the secondary generator light was off. He kicked the manual backup switch underneath his control panel. Nothing. _This is __not__ good._ A few seconds later, a small orange light appeared on his console, followed by dim lights illuminating his surroundings. Sound returned to his earpiece.

"I have successfully diverted a massive overload to non-essential systems." the AI explained. "No areas of the ship report extensive damage or loss of personnel."

_"Shepard to Normandy, status report."_

"Power surge, Commander. We were knocked out for a moment but systems are now coming back on-line. Everything checks out."

He heard whirring noises through the comm and the sounds of staggered movement followed by Grunt's deep voice roaring, _"What's happening!"_ Joker furrowed his brow in concentration, listening intently to the sounds even as he worked to bring up the monitors, still disabled by the mocking image of the Collector. His inability to hack into some kind of feed to watch the ground team made him feel even more cut off than usual and he began to grind his teeth in frustration. The whirring stopped but it was followed by clanking and scuffling sounds as if one of the party had been knocked off their feet.

"I am having difficulty maintaining control of the systems breach," EDI said, her hologram appearing at its station behind him. "There is someone else in the system."

_"We've got company!"_ He heard Garrus say, tension evident in his voice.

_"Grunt, to your ten o'clock, take them out. Garrus, concentrate on the group to the right and I'll take care of those straight ahead."_ Bailie's voice came through strong and clear. He could hear her armour clicking as she shifted around followed by a crash. _Hope that means she just took cover. _Gunfire erupted, clanging as it hit something solid. The sounds – dull thuds – were so loud he felt sure they were hitting something close to her. Fear slid its cold fingers into his belly and he heard a dull pounding in his ears. Sure for a few moments it was Bailie's heart beating, he then became aware the rapid hammering was that of his own. Eventually, the din stopped. Silence reigned for a few seconds and his eyes darted to the screens which flickered on and off briefly before suddenly displaying readouts. Weapons readouts.

"Access restored, Mr Moreau. I have planned an extraction route for the away team."

"Good, because -"

"I am aware, Mr Moreau," EDI interjected. He pressed down the comm button.

"Normandy to shore party, respond."

_"Shore party."_

"Uh, yeah, Shepard I don't mean to rush you or anything but those weapons systems are coming online." _Please, baby. Get out of there._

_/_

"Through there!" Bailie barked, gesturing with her rifle towards a metal door that rolled up into the ceiling with a squeal.

"They just don't quit!" Garrus responded, his tone disbelieving as the sounds of buzzing wings filled their ears.

_How can they even survive in this atmosphere!_ The thought flashed through Bailie's mind as she slammed herself against a crumbly section of wall. Her throat felt dry as she pulled back the release, slapping in another thermal cartridge. Target in sight, she leaned out and focused, letting out a deep breath. A bright light suddenly emanated from the Collector between her crosshairs and it dropped its gun as it jerked into the air, shaking. She heard a menacing growl, the sound vibrating in her ears as if coming from within but she knew better.

"Not _again..._ Grunt, take care of this guy, I'll keep the others off your ass!" A shambling husk fell to the ground, a bullet lodged in what used to be its brain. Something large and ungainly unfolded from the wall, its pointed legs stabbing into the ground, a biotic field humming to life as it rose into the air, its white eyes searching and then focusing on her. It bore down on her so quickly that she barely had time to scramble back into cover, her ears registering the crack of Garrus' rifle firing again and again as the thing's forelegs stabbed into the air. The hovering creature was distracted by Garrus' relentless attack finally turning to face him instead, its spindly legs flailing.

Somewhere beneath them the ship's engines came on-line and as it powered up, the floor beneath her began gently vibrating. Time was running out but the Collector was still blocking their way.

Bailie narrowed her eyes, her gut swelling with anger as she reached over her head and grabbed the handle of her heavy weapon, the Cain, reserved for problems like this.

"You're in our way," she snarled, "and we really don't have time for you." Bringing the gun up to her hip, she braced herself and squeezed the trigger tight. Bailie was never really prepared for the Cain's recoil. It felt like trying to hold on to a mule's kicking leg but somehow she held steady this time as it spat arcing electricity in a steady rhythm. A warm thrill shot up her spine as she watched the creature's biotic shield shatter; beads of energy disintegrating like a broken necklace. It writhed in agony, helpless against the Cain's punishment, finally dying with an oddly atonal scream. She didn't stop to watch it fall to the ground for she was too concerned with getting her team off the vessel.

"_Commander_," she heard Joker say. "_Those weapons aren't going to wait for you!_"

"I know. I recognise this hallway, we're not far from the shuttle."

"Down there!" Grunt shouted. "That's where we came in!" Bailie could see the glint of the shuttle's metal doors and threw herself towards them at breakneck speed, the ground shaking violently beneath her. As they approached, she had never felt greater relief than when they threw themselves inside.


	20. Chapter 20 Talk a Little

_"Green and grey and auburn_

_Sliding down the sky_

_The devil winks an eye_

_A figure in the doorway_

_Shouldering the blame_

_The saint without a name"_

_- Tom Petty - "Turn This Car Around"_

Joker leaned back in his seat, letting out the breath he didn't realise he'd been holding. It had been a desperate half hour. His adrenaline had kicked in as Bailie and her team raced to the shuttle and he'd frantically laid in a course to take them away from the Collector ship. Of course, escape hadn't been easy for they had given chase and after several minutes of evasive maneuvers that felt all too familiar he'd finally resorted to turning the controls over to EDI who had plotted a course to a nearby star system almost instantaneously, hurtling the Normandy to safety.

As was her wont, Bailie had appeared at his shoulder soon after she'd come aboard, watching the screens and listening to his frantic report in terse silence before issuing orders to take them to Illium. She'd then given his shoulder a quick pat and headed off to the Debriefing Room.

Breathing deeply, he now concentrated on calculating and set course for the nearest relay. It was hard to focus on the task for part of his mind wanted to ponder the knowledge that The Illusive Man had duped them; had sent Shepard and her team to investigate the Reaper vessel on the basis of a report that TIM had _known_ to be false. The implication of such a maneuver was mind-boggling and hard to digest. Joker shook his head. He really didn't have time to process the information now. There was a meeting going on and he was supposed to be listening and participating although at this point he wasn't so much _listening_ as _hearing_. He knew he should be paying attention, or at least _some_ attention but fear kept him locked into scanning the readouts over and over again. _We couldn't have been followed. EDI was too quick. There's no sign of them. Besides,_ _I don't really need to listen; I know the important bits. The Illusive Man fucked us, and Bailie is dealing with it. _

_"Joker." _Bailie's voice came over the comm snapping him out of his thoughts.

"Aye, Commander?"

_"How long until we reach Ilium?"_

He scrolled through a couple of screens, checking their course and position and quickly calculating the time. "We're about to enter the first relay Commander. ETA to Illium is about three hours."

"_Thank you, Joker." _The comm went dead and he turned back to his screens monitoring their relay glowed brightly as the _Normandy_ changed course. After carefully timing his approach to avoid the giant spinning rings and align the ship with the mass effect field, he braced himself. The ship began to vibrate as blue strands of mass effect shot out of the relay's core and encircled it. Although Joker usually noticed the vast field of stars surrounding the field blending together as the Normandy was catapulted through space at speeds faster than light, he ignored it, lost in his own thoughts. _It was the same ship. The same ship that tore my life apart two years ago_. _So close again_; _almost close enough to touch._

A beeping noise brought him back to the screens in front of him. Lateral drift needed compensation. He focused on it and on the myriad of other tasks involved in piloting through a mass relay, forcing himself to concentrate on them and away from the memories that threatened to surface. EDI had gone silent, her periodic input appearing in fast-scrolling text on his console. He stole a glance out of the window. Ilium was little more than a large pinprick of light; difficult to pick out from amongst the billions of others just like it but as time passed, became distinguishable little by little against the backdrop of stars.

A rumbling noise in his stomach alerted him to the fact that he was hungry. _How long has it been since I ate? Was it breakfast? _He really wasn't sure and although suddenly ravenous, knew he'd have to wait until they were safely docked before seeking sustenance. A low beeping drew his attention to the console. Ilium Global Control was checking his flightpath. Joker looked out on the planet's surface far below and drummed his fingers against the armrest of his chair as he waited for authorisation.

_"Normandy, this is Ilium Global Approach, good evening,"_ a female voice came over the comm.

"Evening, Global approach. This is _Normandy_ at standard orbit," he replied.

_"Normandy, Global approach, turn right heading one-three-three, descend and maintain thirty-five thousand. Entry corridor in fifteen seconds."_

"Global approach, right to one three three, down to thirty-five thousand, corridor in fifteen." Joker always enjoyed this part. The first wisps of Ilium's atmosphere were beginning to shudder against the ship and he knew that as the _Normandy's _descended into the clouds her mass effect fields would kick in, stabilising her transition into the atmosphere more or less seamlessly. But entering the atmosphere always gave him a thrill. He smiled, reminded of the gritty tales of early space-flight when atmospheric re-entry was dangerous; a crude, hot and shaky affair compared to the way the _Normandy_ gracefully sailed down towards the surface. Raising her nose a little, he allowed gravity to do its work.

_"Normandy, turn left heading zero-one-zero, decelerate to two-two-oh knots, descend and maintain five thousand," _she read. Joker parroted back her instructions as he followed them. _This never gets old_, he thought as he watched the flaps on the ship's wings open, dispelling heat and creating drag. The clouds parted to reveal the ground far below and he kept an eye on it through the cameras. _Looks like a clear day._

"_Normandy_ at five thousand, Global approach."

_"Normandy, intercept localizer bay four delta, clear ILS bay four delta. Await Mainport Tower for final clearance to land." _He flipped a switch, cycling through the views until he found the bay labelled '_4D_.' EDI immediately offered guidance, her recommended path glowing across his screen.

"This is _Normandy_, cleared ILS for bay four delta and awaiting final clearance," he said, concentrating on keeping the ship perfectly aligned with the computer's projected path. She had a tendency to list slightly to starboard since the installation of the Thanix cannons – a weight issue that only _he_ noticed, given his knowledge of the ship. It annoyed Joker to no end that EDI discounted it; citing it as an imperceptible difference. _Imperceptible my ass,_ he grumbled silently to himself as he nudged her nose the tiniest amount to the left again to compensate.

_"Mainport Tower. Normandy, we have you on the localizer bay four delta, cleared to land. A pleasure flying with you."_

"Likewise Mainport Tower. Roger, cleared to land, bay four delta," he said, slowing down until the dock was in sight. _Finally._ A loud clanging could be heard throughout the ship as massive clamps locked down on the ship's wings. He tapped the comm button.

"Docked and ready, Commander."

_"Acknowledged," _she replied.

"Please be sure to take all personal belongings with you when disembarking the aircraft."

_"_Joker_," _she said admonishingly, the smile in her voice belying her chiding tone. He grinned, leaning out of his chair to look behind him, surprised that he hadn't heard her approaching footsteps. Bailie stood in the doorway, a tired smile lighting her face. Garrus and Grunt passed behind her headed for the airlock doors but she lingered a moment and he noticed she looked a little ragged around the edges.

"Off on another adventure so soon?"

"Yes. I shouldn't be long," she replied

"You say that every time. You know, you've been to all these places and you've _still_ never gotten me a postcard." He sniffed in mock irritation, but found he couldn't stop the corners of his mouth from twitching. It felt good to be joking again. Recovering his deadpan expression, he turned back to his console, adding, "Frankly I'm insulted." He heard her shift her weight, footsteps leaving. "I want magnets for my locker!" he called over his shoulder.

His stomach growled in complaint again. At first he ignored its growling protests and continued to work but his hunger was persistent and won the battle. With a sigh of defeat he pressed the button to summon his relief and waited, drumming his fingers on the armrest. Hearing the relief pilot approach, Joker rapidly tapped in his logout and got out of his seat.

"Hey," Harrison said.

"Harrison," he replied flatly, stepping past him, all thoughts fixated on food.

"Thanks for getting us out of that."

He shrugged. "Yeah. Well, letting us all die got in the way of my plans," he replied sardonically and then limped away towards the elevator.

/ / / / / /

The mess was filled with off-duty crew. Joker made his way to the end of the short queue waiting as Gardner stacked trays and filled fresh plates, grumbling under his breath.

"Moreau," Gardner drawled, waving him forward and passing him a plate.

Joker took it in surprise, feeling the eyes of the others upon him. _What's with the preferential treatment?_ Not that he minded, particularly given how hungry he was and how good the food smelled.

"What _is_ this?" he asked, wrinkling his nose in suspicion.

"It's roast suckling pig. What do you _think_ it is? It's corn bread and whatever else I have in the kitchen. Eat it or don't; I don't have time to deliberate. Somebody's made a mess in the head again and I gotta go clean it up."

"Right," he said. "... Thanks."

"You're welcome, Moreau. Go sit down, you're holding up the rest of the line." Joker nodded, turning around to find a seat only to catch sight of Kelly waving at him, a chunk of cornbread in her hand. _Oh, what the hell, why not,_ he thought and limped over to the empty seat at her table.

"Looks like your sunny disposition _did_ carry us through the day!" she exclaimed, beaming as he drew near and, punctuating her joke with a bite of corn bread. Even the group who always seemed to be standing in the corner of the mess absorbed in their own world - he had determined they came from Engineering - ceased their guffawing long enough to shout a greeting and one made as if to pat him on the back. He shied away, but smiled and nodded to the group as he passed.

"Well, hey, I don't call myself the best for nothing," he said pulling out a chair and sitting down.

"That's true. You _are_ the best, Joker. We all depend on you!"

"Yep," he muttered wryly unable to summon much enthusiasm. "That's why they pay me the medium bucks." He shifted uncomfortably in his seat and glanced up to see her peering at him as he set about sorting his food into lines.

"I think Gardner might be baking you a cake," she said. Joker grinned, but kept his eyes fixed on his plate as he placed the cornbread flush with unidentifiable brown chunks already arranged in neat lines on his plate. "So, hey, I had something to ask you. Since you didn't come back to quarters last night I didn't get a chance," she said and grinned. "I wondered where you were. Did you find somewhere more comfortable to sleep?" she asked, and Joker cleared his throat.

"Oh, the bunks are a little small and the pillows a bit hard, you know? Needed to find somewhere better to make my nest," he replied.

"I looked for you," Kelly said. "I even went down to the hold to see if you were hanging out with Jack."

"Why would I be down there? I'm confident in my ability to cuss, I don't need a contest to prove the point." Joker shrugged, laboriously re-aligning his food. Kelly cast him a coy look.

"Well, sometimes crazy is fun... And I've seen her looking at you. In fact, she's been glancing this way the whole time you've been sitting here. I figure she's either planning to kill you or wants to hang out with you." Joker's eyes widened. "Don't look now," Kelly added, and laughed.

"No thanks," he said, frowning. "I like to watch crazy, not wear it." Joker fished around his plate, chasing the last morsel of meat that defied his meticulous queue. "Though I can't blame her," he added, a cracking a grin. "Who wouldn't want to look at the handsome devil that just saved you all, right?"

"Exactly! Why do you think you're sitting here with me?" Kelly leaned back from the table, laughing. "You should see the look on your face! ... So, if you weren't with Jack, where were you?" Kelly put a finger to her cheek thoughtfully, looking up towards the ceiling. "You know, the Commander wasn't around earlier. She's usually in the gym after hours and she never showed up." Her gaze sharpened, scrutinizing him. "Were you with her?"

"Have you seen the fish in that tank? Yellow ones and blue ones, little ones with long fins, and..." His voice trailed off as Kelly rolled her eyes. "Uh yes. Yes, I was."

"Hmmm," she replied, looking at him askance. "You've been working your way to this point for a long time. Shepard's quite a woman. Must've been hard to be there last night and then run into that Collector ship." Kelly paused, twirling her fork idly as she looked him over. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah you might call it a bit of a contrast. As for okay? I don't know," he said, shrugging.

"I was monitoring crew responses during the attack. Something happened - You turned the ship over to EDI; told her to get us away. What was going through your mind?"

"What was going through my mind was when that _thing_ tore the first _Normandy_ apart two years ago. It ripped her in half. Killed Pressly, killed Shepard..." Joker shook his head and stared into his coffee cup, watching the bubbles draw up against the sides.

"So when you saw the ship again, how did you feel? Angry? Frozen? You turned the controls over to EDI, Joker. You _never_ do that," she said, tilting her head inquiringly.

"I couldn't think. I remember thinking that... It was too big. I wasn't enough."

"When did you learn it was the ship that attacked the original_ SR1_?"

"When we made initial approach and pulled up alongside I had a feeling. Sometimes your gut just tells you, you know? I got EDI to run some comparisons. The signatures were _all_ the same. It was the same ship," Then, realizing he'd not touched the food in front of him, he picked up his fork and began shoveling it into his mouth.

"No wonder you felt like you couldn't think; anyone would have frozen." Her voice softened, "I know you didn't escape last time; that you couldn't. That would feel pretty overwhelming to anyone. But this time you _did_ escape. You had more resources and used good judgment. A lot of people in that situation repeat the same behaviors. You didn't. You did what needed to be done this time to save the ship. To save Shepard, too." Kelly nodded slowly, emphasizing her point with an encouraging smile.

"Yeah. Well. Thanks. I did get us away this time," he said, and quickly cast about, lowering his voice to avoid upsetting others. "But that thing is still out there; it's coming, and it might get the jump on us. It did once before. I don't know that I can do this again. I mean it's not the same as making a tight landing or guiding an approach just right - it's bigger than that." His eyes dropped and he sighed. "I've...I've never really felt like this before," he admitted, looking around again to reassure himself he'd not been overheard.

"Felt like what?" Kelly asked, reaching for her mug of tea.

"Like... I don't know," he said, frowning as he saw Kelly's gentle smile.

"Well many people would feel confused, worried... Overwhelmed... Do you feel any of those things?"

"Yeah," he replied, and nodded. "All of 'em."

"So...a lot happened. The ship was lost and Shepard, too. Now, I'm just thinking out loud so bear with me." Kelly paused, appearing to gather her thoughts before continuing, "As skilled as you are - and you _are_ the best, Joker - The Illusive Man wouldn't have sought you out otherwise - you weren't able to prevent the loss of the two most important females in your life. Is that right?"

"Oh boy. Here we go." Joker sighed, shaking his head in exasperation. "Okay. I'll play '_Patient_' with you, but only this once." He straightened up, adjusting the bill of his cap before answering flatly, "Yeah, that's right."

"So having Commander Shepard out _there_ while you were facing _them_ again must have been incredibly difficult. Am I right?"

"It's that. It's also that I couldn't be there, too. I'm always here. Here is where I'm at my best but sometimes I can't help but think what it would be like if I could be _there_. Yanno?" Joker shrugged.

"Yeah. I know. And that's what I'm getting at. I've watched you and the Commander dancing around each other for weeks. I'm not trying to pry... I'm asking from a professional perspective. How do you and the Commander see your relationship?" Kelly asked, and Joker blanched; caught offguard. He felt unprepared for this question and fidgeted with the brim of his cap to buy time, searching for words as Kelly continued. "Is it friends with benefits, or perhaps something more? Or maybe you don't know yet?"

"Uh, well I don't know how serious _she_ wants it to be, but yeah," he muttered, suddenly feeling exposed and vulnerable. He didn't like it and began searching for reasons to leave.

"Oh wow. So you it's like you've gotten a second chance and then you run into that... _thing_ again. No wonder you froze." She reached over and touched his hand, "But we _did _get away and there's still time. For your second chance I mean." Drawing in a breath she said slowly, "Your file indicates no previous partners. Have you thought about what you want? From her I mean?" Joker looked down at his plate and fidgeted uncomfortably l

"Just _how much_ have you read up on me? Why does it have details like _that _in it?" he snapped, pulling his mug closer to him and eyeing her with offended suspicion.

"Joker, I have psych reports on _everybody,_" she explained gently. He looked at the table, her position on the ship suddenly coming to mind and flushed with shame. _Of course she does. It's her job. Quit being a prick Jeff, she's trying to help,_ he chastised.

"Right. Well just as long as you don't go into my chat logs or browsing history, then," he grumbled. "Yes, my file is right. No previous partners. With everything that's going on I wouldn't mind changing that," he added, muttering.

"Look, I understand it's a lot of stuff. You finally get together with Shepard and what happens? You run into the ship that tore your lives apart two years ago. But Jeff, think about it. Even though you felt like your brain was _frozen_ y_ou did the right thing_. You let EDI get us out of here. Which just shows you figured it out. But I'll bet you don't know how to figure out how you feel about Shepard; especially after we've just had another close call. Maybe that's something you need to think about - how you feel about her I mean; what you want." She patted his hand and he looked at her with mild surprise. "You have a lot going for you Joker. You're smart, tough - a real pain in the ass most of the time," she said, grinning so infectiously at him that he couldn't help returning it. "So use those skills of yours to figure out what you feel about Shepard and then go get what you want." Kelly rose from her seat, pushing her chair in. "I've got to go. I'd like to talk with Garrus about reach and flexibility," she said and winked. "I'll see you later."

"Thanks, Miss Shrink of the Year," he replied, his usual sarcastic tone replaced with sincerity. "Remember, I'm only gonna play '_Patient_' for you once, and that was it. You've used up your ticket now. Have to find another victim."

"Bye, Joker," she said, rolling her eyes playfully. He nodded at her and then picked up his fork to finish his meal as he pondered.


	21. Chapter 21 Owls

_"And she says baby _

_It's 3am I must be lonely _

_When she says baby _

_Well I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes _

_She says the rain's gonna wash away _

_I believe it "_

_- Matchbox 20 - "3 AM"_

_ ... Sixty-four ... Sixty-five ..._ Shuddering with effort he pulled himself up to his knees just one last time before falling back on the mat, his breath escaping in a tired rush. Squinting at the fluorescent lights overhead, he concentrated on the slow burning sensation along his arms and sides. _Yeah, yeah that's it. I think I'm done._ Without turning his head he blindly groped for his water bottle, letting out an exasperated groan as he brought it to his lips. _Empty._ He got up and went to the fountain on the far wall to splash water on his face. As he did so, the thoughts that he'd worked so hard to avoid began to spill back into consciousness. _Why did I open my damn mouth about all this? _He shook his head in exasperation, droplets of water flying off his chin to land on the floor. _I hope she doesn't spread it around the ship._ He furrowed his brow as he popped the cap on his water bottle and shoved it under the stream. _Kelly won't spread it around. Right? _Joker paused, the comforting thought a fleeting one._ Nothing's private; anyone can find out about anything, _he thought bitterly as a vision of Kelly rifling through documents to find his sealed psych eval files flashed into his mind. _Sealed file, my __ass__. Still... what she said about figuring out what I want from Bailie made a lot of sense._

His thoughts, which had been abstract - more feeling than words - began to coalesce. _So...what __do__ I want from this? _Thinking about a relationship hadn't exactly been a priority when he first found himself pressed against Bailie, all lips and exploring hands. He flushed, a combination of pleasure and mild embarrassment spreading through him at the memory of waking up to find her beside him. There had been no time to talk the next morning. _Or maybe it was just that neither of us knew what to say_. _Anyway, I can't say I know for sure what she wants. She did __imply__ there would be a 'next time,' but maybe she just intends to have a bit of harmless fun with me? Thrills and spills?_ He felt his heart sinking. The thought of being Bailie's bit of fun didn't sit right with him and to stop it he raised his freshly filled water bottle to his lips, downing most of it in one go. _How do I bring this up though? 'Hey Bailie do you wanna do that thing again because it'd be totally awesome and not just because I want to drill you half to death!' 'Hey, you want to -'_

The doors hissed open revealing the thin and heavily tattooed figure of a woman. She entered the room, looking at him with displeasure.

_Jack. What the hell does she want? _"Hey, I've still got ten minutes left. You can't be in here," he said, making no effort to hide his irritation.

Jack sneered, an expression somehow even more disdainful than the plaintive scowl she typically wore. "Fuck you, flyboy. I go where I want," she snarled.

Joker narrowed his eyes, unconsciously leaning away. "I was just leaving anyway."

"No. I've got something to ask you," she replied.

He snorted. "So you've got a favour to ask and the first words out of your mouth are _fuck you flyboy_? You know, I'd say I like your style, but you're interrupting my gym time right now. Kind of cancels things out."

"Whatever. I'm not interested in playing games. You and Shepard have a long history. I want some insight."

"Insight?" he echoed, raising an eyebrow as he downed the last of the water. "Insight about what?"

Jack began to pace, keeping her eyes fixed on his. "I want to know why Shepard would go through all the effort of bringing me out of cryo, convince me to park ass on this ship and take me on a mission only once! It makes no sense. I'm sitting here twiddling my thumbs, bored as hell and when I'm bored, I start to think, and when I think I get _mad_. Right now I'm bored _and _mad."

"So let me get this straight. You've tracked me down because you're pissed you haven't been out with the ground team more often? Not my problem. Talk to Shepard," Joker said dismissively, reaching for a towel to dry his face. He glanced towards the door and began calculating possible escape routes.

"I'm trying to figure out what's going on with her before I go asking her a favour."

"You're all about favours today, aren't you?"

"Don't get smart with me," she snapped. Joker grinned derisively, shaking his head at her scowl. "And don't play dumb, either. I know you and Shepard are friendly. I've seen the two of you in the mess a bunch of times."

"Look," he said, rolling his eyes. "I don't _know_ why Shepard doesn't take you with her but obviously you're not going to go away, so here's my opinion. Maybe Shepard hasn't taken you with her on an assignment because she requires someone with a little more _restraint_. It won't be because of something personal. That's not how Shepard operates. As for why she picked you up, that's simple. We need all the help we can get. _And _maybe she thought you didn't deserve to sit in an ice brick forever. You know, you might want to try thanking her for that. If it was up to me I'd have left you - and the body count attached to you - in the cooler. Satisfied?"

"Wait, so you think Shepard got me out because of some kind of bullshit desire to _save_ me?" Jack recoiled, a sarcastic smile sliding across her lips as her expression shifted, becoming skeptical.

"Seems the thawing process was flawed, though."

"What? What are you getting at?" she snarled.

Joker grinned. "I don't think it managed to thaw out that chunk of ice you call a heart. You might want words with the cryo company or something." Joker turned and picked up his towel as Jack growled with fury behind him.

"Screw you," she snapped. "You _and_ Shepard!"

"Hey, _hey._ Insult me all you want - I couldn't give less of a damn but don't insult the Commander. She's done nothing but favours for you." He paused, feeling his blood begin to boil with anger. _Settle down, she doesn't know any better._

"Yeah? Well maybe I don't _feel_ like having to stick my neck out on the line for a bunch of fucking colonists. That doesn't sound like a favour to me."

"I thought you said you'd only been on the ground once? Isn't that why you're pissed off?"

"I'm pissed off because I didn't have a choice," she hissed.

"You've always had a choice. Don't try to blame this on her. You chose to do whatever it is you did to get landed in prison, you chose to come with us when she offered, and you continue to choose to be an asshole to everyone. So don't give me that crap, Jack" He cocked an eyebrow at her. "We done here?"

"Oh, yeah, fine _choice _she gave me, flyboy. Only way out of prison is onto a Cerberus vessel and into a suicide mission. Why the hell are you talking about choice? What kind of a choice is that?" Jack paced, waving her hand dismissively.

"I don't know if you noticed but she's not too thrilled about being involved with Cerberus, either," he grumbled in reply.

"So why doesn't she choose to leave then, instead of being Cerberus' _little pet_?" she spat mockingly at him, her eyes narrowing.

He felt his shoulders tense. "She doesn't just fly off into the sunset because there's bigger things at stake here than pride. The Reapers are going to -"

"Yeah, I don't know about that. I read all the reports from the Citadel. They say the Reapers don't even exist," Jack said, looking at him askance. "They say that Spectre – Saren - acted all on his own and used the Reapers to get the geth to come along for the ride. All the proof we have of him being an agent of the Reapers is based on some vision in Shepard's head, right?"

"I'm not even talking about this," he said.

Jack's eyes lit up as she stepped towards him. "Ever think Shepard might be fuckin' crazy?"

"She's not crazy!" he snapped. Jack smiled.

"Oh, struck a nerve?" she breathed, smiling wider as he turned and tapped the red panel on the door sharply. "I hear you gave the ship over to the computer today," she continued. "So, what's the problem, flyboy? Can't handle things by yourself anymore?"

Joker paused, placing his hand on the wall for balance as he looked back at her over his shoulder. Jack crossed her arms and smirked back at him. He shook his head, a string of insults on the tip of his tongue but he knew better than to play her games.

"I've got nothing to prove to you," he muttered. "If you want to bother Shepard about something, I'm sure she'll listen. She listens to everybody, even to assholes like you." He didn't wait for her response instead heading out the door.

He stalked down the hall as rapidly as he could. _Why did I let her get to me?_ Looking back he reassured himself that she wasn't following him before stabbing the call button, tapping his fingers against the wall as he waited. _Jack was just trying to piss me off. I know she was._ The elevator arrived, its warning chime echoing in the hallway. He stepped inside, glancing back towards the the gym. _Bailie isn't crazy. _

He leaned back against the wall as he recalled the first staff meeting after she'd been given command of the SR1. He could still see her, standing in the middle of the SR1's conference room, talking calmly enough although her body betrayed her tension. _That's when she told us what really happened on Eden Prime_. He'd known she'd been carried on board unconscious but Captain Anderson had kept the details quiet, insistent on returning to the Citadel immediately.

She'd wanted so badly to convince them that her experience was real. He knew that most of the officers, other than the two who'd been with her on the planet, hadn't believed the story of her interaction with the beacon - at least until she'd mind-melded with the asari, Liara. _There's_ _no way she's nuts. Not after that._ The elevator lurched into motion and he found himself staring up in the direction of her quarters.

"EDI, where's the Commander?"

"The Commander is in her quarters. She completed reports several hours ago and then spent spent seven minutes and forty nine seconds tapping rhythmical patterns on the edge of her desk with pencils. She is currently sleeping."

"Uh... Thanks?"

"Is there a problem Mr Moreau?"

"Uh, no," he replied hesitantly. "I only asked where she was."

"Yes, I know. I believed the addendum would be of interest to you as you often engage in a similar activity."

"Right," he said simultaneously smiling and shaking his head as he stepped out onto the crew deck to head for his bunk.

The lights were dim in the bunk room and he stifled a yawn as he approached his bed. _Patel isn't snoring for a change,_ he thought to himself with some relief as he carefully sat down on the creaky mattress, unzipping the thick vinyl chestplate on the front of his uniform and sloughing it off. _Maybe I'll get some shut-eye. _He lazily pushed his clothing down to the foot of the bed and stretched out, closing his eyes and waiting for the warm feeling of sleep to creep over him, muting his thoughts. But nothing happened. He lay quietly still hoping to fall asleep but suddenly his undershirt felt itchy and he scratched his chest, only to become aware of a lump in the mattress jutting into his ribs. He shifted, trying to find a comfortable position just as Patel started to snore.

Joker rolled over to face the wall and pulled the blanket over his head. The thin cover did little to muffle whistling, snorting noises coming from his crewmate's bunk however and he sighed in irritation as a brief fantasy of violently shoving a balled-up shirt down the other man's throat floated through his mind. After a few minutes he began to twitch, moving restlessly under the warm and suddenly stuffy covers. _Maybe my pillow will work better,_he thought grumpily and pulled it over his head. The soft blinking of his omnitool port glowed under his skin. _Oh, must've forgotten to turn non-essentials off._ Knowing the blinking light would keep him awake, he ducked back under the cover intending to tap his arm and shut it off but as he squinted at it, he felt a sudden compulsion to check his messages. There was one. Marked personal and non-urgent, the message was from Bailie.

_'i figure you are asleep by now, so you will probably get this in the morning. i'm sorry i didn't get the chance to talk to you today. i'll let you know as soon as i get a few minutes to myself.' _He looked at the minutes old.

_'Yeah, no problem.'_ He typed rapidly. _'Awake again? You should really try to sleep more.'_

_'physician, heal thyself!' _Came the response almost immediately, and he smiled.

_'Bailie, Queen of Owls.'_

_ 'unpleasant dreams actually.'_

_ 'Well okay if you insist, but Bailie, Queen of Unpleasant Dreams doesn't have the same ring to it.'_

_ 'haha :) how was gym time?'_

_ 'Interrupted. Jack came in. Was asking questions about you. I told her to talk to you.'_

_ 'yes i got the time request. you going to be up long, do you think?'_

_ 'I was just going to lie here with my pillow over my head and hope I pass out eventually. So if I stop lying to myself, then yeah I'm gonna be awake a while.'_

_ 'sounds a lot like me at the minute,' _she replied rapidly and he smiled.

_'You curled up in bed too?' _he asked, seeing her in his mind's eye lying on the edge of the mattress, slowly scrolling through the messages with one finger.

_'yeah.'_

_ 'I like that image,' _he typed, blinking heavily as he found himself staring at the words with unfocussed eyes, envisioning Bailie's bed; so warm and roomy. He thought about the empty space beside her and pictured himself there, running his hands down her arm. _Best bed ever,_ he thought, grinning to himself as he recalled sprawling out in the sheets. Whatever they were made of was ridiculously smooth and soft, unlike the stiff, starched excuses draped on the bunks. _Still better than Alliance beds._ He opened his eyes to see Bailie had responded.

_'haha :) well if i'm awake, and you're awake, i guess that means we have some time spare. if you're sure you're going to be awake for a while, do you want to get a cup of tea or something?'_

_ 'Maybe this is why you're up so late into the night? You're always downing tea. That has caffeine in it you know."_

_ 'not this tea. :)'_

_ 'Alright. I'll see you in ten.'_


	22. Chapter 22 Against an Army of Darkness

_"But now we must pick up every piece_

_Of the life we used to love _

_Just to keep ourselves_

_At least enough to carry on"_

_- Neutral Milk Hotel - "Holland, 1945"_

The mess was never empty and at the moment, a number of the Engineering day crew, the "regulars" as Joker thought of them, crowded around a couple of tables in the corner of the mess. A couple members of the night crew, presumably on an early break, sat a short distance from the engineers with hot drinks in hand. A number of those present looked up from the bottoms of their mugs as Joker limped into the room, looking around before choosing the table furthest away from the two groups. He eyed the coffee maker bubbling away across the room and took a deep breath, drawing in the delicious smell of freshly brewed coffee. It called to him, tempted him but he refrained from pouring himself a cup. _If I want to be remotely functional, I'd better not._

He leaned back, trying to relax only to feel the back of his neck tingle. Looking around, he caught Jack on the other side of the mess, staring at him. _Oh, go back to your rat's nest, _he grumbled to himself, folding his arms on the table. He ignored her, pretending to flick through newscasts on his Omni-tool but she continued to stare fixedly at him, her eyes burning holes in the back of his head until he found himself shifting and twitching in irritation. _What the hell? What gives? _Finally, tired of playing games and knowing she was unlikely to quit without some kind of confrontation, he turned around to glare at her.

"What do you want?" He mouthed silently. Jack deliberately lifted her right leg, draping it slowly over the other, her arms on the table in front of her as she gave him a brief and almost cat-like smile. They stared at each other for a few moments and then she stood up to leave the mess, heading towards the elevator just as Bailie rounded the corner. The two women walked into each other, Jack's shoulder bumping Bailie's as she passed.

"Oh. Shepard," she said. As Bailie glanced towards her, Jack nodded her head and continued towards the elevators without a backward glance. Joker bristled at her tone, noting the lack of apology as Bailie turned around, her eyes following Jack as she sauntered away.

"She is definitely a strange one," Bailie said as she reached the table, shaking her head.

"You don't know the half of it," he grumbled.

"Troubled for sure. But no stranger than the rest of us, perhaps." Pulling out a chair, she sat down and looked at Joker. "How is my fellow insomniac and unstable element?" She smiled softly and folded her hands on the table. Joker looked back at her. He wasn't sure if it was just the lighting, but she looked pale, and leaned heavily on her elbows as if she wasn't feeling well.

"I'm alright," he said. "Burning the midnight oil as usual. You um… bad dreams?" he asked. She nodded.

"Yeah. I'm aware I'm not about to win any beauty pageants right now. Hey - I got some herbal tea when we were on the Citadel. You want some?"

"I'm more of a coffee kind of guy myself," he replied.

"I know," she said tiredly. "But it's only polite to ask."

"Yeah. You know, I'll try some. Broaden my horizons."

"You'd think our horizons were broad enough, being in space," she said, and pulled two packets from her pocket. "It's been a long day. A very _trying_ day."

As she spoke he found himself wanting to take her hand in his to offer a little support but stopped the impulse. _People are around_.

"Yeah," he said aloud. She got up and pressed the hot water dispensor on the wall, filling two mugs. _Am I the only one feeling like there's an elephant in the room? _he wondered, watching her stir the tea, the spoon clinking noisily in the cups. Stepping back she passed him a mug and replaced herself at the table, clearing her throat.

"So..." her voice trailed off and she brought the mug to her lips, blowing on the hot liquid before raising her eyes to his.

He looked back at her, feeling as if his insides had turned to mush. _Here's my chance to say something. Something... Important. Or deep. Or meaningful. Or all of those. _

"How is your tea?" he asked.

She smiled at him.

"I haven't had any yet." Her expression suddenly darkened. "You know, I really don't know how to feel about running into that ship again."

"Yeah," he said and nodded. "Well, nobody's going to get the better of me a second time. Especially not giant bugs."

"There were horrible things in there," she said quietly, her gaze falling to the table, her lips pursed in a thin line. "Piles of people."

"I heard you and Garrus talking about them. Are you okay?"

"I was dreaming about them," she said calmly and took a sip of tea. "One of them looked like you." Bailie shifted her weight, clearly upset. _What do I say?_

"What was your dream about?" he asked, but he had a feeling he already knew.

"I had a dream that you were taken," she said quietly. "And there was nothing I could do."

"... Well, I'm right here," he said. "So don't worry."

"I just wanted to say that I really care about you. Every day you find some way to save my ass. Thank you."

"Right back at you."

Bailie fell silent, rubbing at a tiny chip on the rim of her mug. Finally she looked at him. "Do you remember your dreams often?"

"Nah," he said with a dismissive shrug. "And when I do it's usually about food! Sometimes about women, and _sometimes_ about women _made out of food_. Just people walking around, made out of fruit and cake," he said, biting back a laugh and shaking his head.

"I once had a dream where the Normandy's entire crew were different kinds of birds," she replied, a soft smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.

"Yeah?" he asked enthusiastically. He was glad to be talking about something - _anything_ other than the Collector vessel. "Was I in it?"

"Yes. Everyone on the _SR1_was. You were an eagle," she said, pausing to take another sip of tea. "A golden eagle." Joker grinned.

"Your subconscious has great taste. Killer profile, don't you think?" he asked, tapping his nose.

"Definitely," she agreed setting her mug down and leaning back in her seat. "Strange as it sounds now, at the time it seemed quite reasonable to have a big brown bird in a hat tapping at the screens with his talons. By the way, how's your tea?

"You know, it isn't so bad," he replied in a tone of surprise.

"I'm glad you like it. I quite like my teas."

"Yeah, I noticed. You like to try a lot of different ones?"

"Every now and then. But once I find something I like, I tend to stick with it."

"You try anything else recently you want to stick with?" he asked, leaning in on the table.

"Yes, a couple of blends they have on the Citadel are pretty good. I think if I have another few spare minutes the next time we're there I'll restock."

"Did you, ah, try anything _else_ recently you liked?" he asked. _Smooth._ Bailie blinked owlishly, a blank look on her face. "I mean, you know. That you liked and want to stick with."

"Er, we're not talking about tea anymore, are we?"

"No."

She smiled at him, rapping her fingernails against her mug, evidently collecting her words. "You'll have to forgive me, I'm a little slow at this hour. I'm not sure that right here is the best place to discuss this... Someone is _always_ listening - but I will say that this morning was the best morning I've had a long time."

"Yeah. I think so too."

Bailie reached across the table and laid her hands on his, tilting her head to watch her thumb running in circles over his knuckles. She stared at their clasped hands intently for a few moments as if expecting to find some kind of message written across them.

"Uh, somethin' on your mind?" he asked to break the silence.

"Not particularly. I'm just glad you're here. We're still here right now because of you and EDI." She let go of his hands and picked up her mug, lifting it part way to her lips as her eyes roamed the room. Joker too looked around and saw several crewmen looking in their direction. Although he doubted they could overhear the conversation, he cleared his throat, shifting in his seat uncomfortably.

Bailie grinned. "On that note," she added, "I think I should go; I ought to try sleeping again."

"Yeah. Me too. Hey, I can be a gentleman. I'll walk you home first," he said as he stood up. He flushed, momentarily embarrassed as he saw that Bailie was already a few strides ahead and patiently waiting for him to catch up.

"The halls certainly are dangerous after day shift," she said with a smile as the elevator doors opened.

"Well, you never know." He stepped in behind her and as the doors closed she took his hand. The gesture was an unexpected, yet pleasant surprise.

"Can't blame them for being nosey. People in a space cage need things to talk about."

"We just met up in the middle of the night, held hands and then both got on an elevator heading up."

"To be fair, it _is_ _exactly_ what it looks like."

"I bet they're all huddled in the corner now, whispering." Joker grinned as he imagined them casting looks over their shoulders at the elevator shaking their heads.

"Probably," she said and nodded. A light inside the shaft passed by and Bailie squinted at the brightness as if in pain. She looked tired and he could have sworn she swayed a little when they came to a stop and the doors slid open.

"You remember that time you asked me how I'm gonna stay sharp if I'm in that seat ninety percent of the day or whatever?"

"Yes, I do."

"You remember that time you told me '_Physician, heal thyself?_'"

"Mmm," she said, walking slowly alongside him.

"Well, I figure I can speak openly, right? It can't be good for you to be exhausted like this."

"You're right," she said, turning around to face him and leaning on the door to her quarters. "I've got nothing scheduled until early afternoon tomorrow so unless an emergency arises I've got time to sleep."

"That's good," he nodded. "A start, at least."

Bailie looked up at him, her eyes drooping tiredly and gave him an affectionate smile.

"Hey. Thanks for the walk home. And for being around."

"Yep," he mumbled, awkwardly pulling her close.

She wrapped her arms around him, her head on his shoulder. "You've been with me since day one," she said quietly into his ear. "You've always been there for me and I think I've come to rely on you."

"I'm not going to spontaneously combust, you know. I'm not going anywhere."

"I know," she said, and broke into a warm smile.

"You... want me to come in? You sort of seem like you got something on your mind you want to talk about." He felt her back rise and fall under his hands as she let out a heavy sigh.

"Yes," she replied finally and stepped back from him, pressing the door release.

He nodded, following as she entered her quarters. Bailie paused to touch a button just inside the door, dimming the lights; a welcome relief to his tired eyes. There was an itch at the back of his eyelids that persisted even after he began rubbing them. The rustle of clothing was loud in the quiet room and he opened his eyes to see her reaching out, dropping her jacket and overshirt on the chair. Instead of sitting on the couch and folding her hands in her lap as he'd expected, she sat heavily on the foot of the bed, looking up at him as she leaned back. Perhaps plagued with similar discomforts she rubbed at her eyes momentarily before saying simply,

"Yeah."

"Yeah? Come on, _mon Commandant_, what's on your mind?" he asked as he sat down beside her, hoping he sounded encouraging. He figured he must've done the trick as her hands dropped from her temples and she looked up towards the sky light.

"I don't know how much more of this I can take." Her voice was matter-of-fact. She certainly didn't _sound_ like someone on the verge of a breakdown. "I knew it was the same ship the second I saw it."

"You had that feeling too, huh?"

"Yes. I just didn't give it enough credence to check it out. I should have. I shouldn't have gone in there, I thought there was something wrong, I knew it was a trap... I shouldn't have -"

"Hey, you got important intel off that thing," he interrupted. "And you _couldn't_ have known."

"I know... I'm just venting."

"And I'm just saying. You made the right calls. Also you can't think of everything and do everything all at once. You know that, and you know where your limits are, too. Why are you suddenly second-guessing yourself?"

"I'm just not sure how much more I can handle."

"You talk like you're all alone," he said, putting his arm around her touching his head to hers. "But, you're not."

"You're right," she replied quietly.

"I'm _always_ right." He scoffed exaggeratedly, and she smiled.

"I think maybe that part of my problem with this is I'm still not over the death of the original _Normandy_. About... Well, how much has _changed. _And how nothing's changed. Me included. To me it's been a couple of weeks? Months?" She shook her head. "Everything's happened so fast since then and I haven't really had a minute to stop and take stock." She looked up at him, her fingertips running up and down the back of his neck. It felt good - _so_ good that he forgot what he was going to say. They sat together in companionable silence until suddenly Baillie's voice cut throug the stillness, "You know it's like it was only a few weeks ago that your hat was blue." She reached up to touch the brim of his cap and he tilted his head to rest it against hers

"Yeah. It's pretty much a lifetime ago for me. Or it may as well be. You know, I don't even have that old hat anymore."

"No? That's kind of sad. Lost it in all the chaos?"

"Kind of. I left it with you at your memorial service." He felt her stiffen slightly. _I probably shouldn't have brought that up._ "Er, well, not with you, but with you _per sé_. Because you weren't there. You know." _You're babbling, Jeff. Stop talking._ "Crap. Sorry."

"Don't be. One of these days I'm just going to have to face the fact that I'm a zombie, right?" She reached up and took his cap off, giving him a good natured smile. "I look pretty good for a member of the walking dead, don't you think?" She turned the hat over in her hands, staring at the '_SR2_' embroidered on the front.

"Stunning."

"_Night of the Living Bailie._"

"I'd think tha - Hey, what? You watch old vids?" he asked, surprised. He looked down at her and tried to picture her curled on a couch, watching the grainy, low-res images characteristic of 20th century filmography flicker past. It wasn't as hard to picture as he thought.

"Definitely. Some of my fondest memories are of watching the oldies as a child. Zombies, vampires, monster movies, slasher horrors... You name them, I've seen them all." She chuckled. "'_The best films weren't made in holo-3D__,__' _my dad always used to say."

"Something else we have in common. Stay up all night... Watch old movies... Save the universe."

"Yes," she said, putting her arm around him. "Where would I be without you?"

"Um, asleep already?" He yawned, breaking into a smile as he saw her quickly overtaken by a yawn of her own. He placed his hand on her cheek affectionately, saying, "We should get some sleep soon, you know?"

"Yeah," she said as she closed her eyes, nodding slowly.

"Hey, but seriously now. You're - you know. You're _alright_, right?"

"I'm just sleepy," she said opening her eyes and leaning over, bringing her leg up to her other knee and setting about undoing her boots. _The support cage is off. How long has that been gone?_

"Yeah. I know you're tired. That isn't what I meant though."

"What do you mean?"

"Come on, Bailie. I know when something's up."

"It's just that ship," she said quietly - so quietly in fact that he wasn't sure he'd heard her correctly. Looking up from her half-unlaced boot and meeting his eyes briefly, she returned to her task. "Sseeing it brought back some memories I thought I'd started to put behind me, and they're heavy."

"Heavy," he mirrored, nodding slowly. "Right. I think I understand."

"I'll feel better in the morning," she said. "Time heals all wounds."

"Unless you're a drell."

"Yes, unless you're a drell." She finally managed to wriggle her foot free and sat cross-legged in her undershirt and pants, her bare arms visibly prickling with goosebumps in the chill of the room. "Everybody's been really... _Polite_? I suppose? Nobody's asked me awkward questions about it or -"

"Well, we were coached. You know, before you arrived."

"Coached? On what? On what to say to me?"

"Yeah. Well, more about what _not_ to say to you. I don't know if _everybody_ was, but most of us were. I know I was."

"That actually makes a lot of sense."

"Yeah..." He trailed off, rubbing at the back of his neck. "Yeah."

"I understand why. At the same time it's been a little disconcerting, nobody saying anything about it at all. They treat it as if it never happened, so I suppose I feel like it's only real to me." He found himself fumbling, groping for something to say.

"It's definitely on the real side of things to me, you know," he said, hoping he sounded reassuring. "If it helps, I can crack some zombie jokes, too."

"Save them for now, I think," she said and winked, letting herself down onto the mattress and looking through the window above at the many stars. "Catch me with them when I least expect it."

"If you say so." He said through a yawn and flopped back rather gracelessly to join her in stargazing. His eyelids felt as if they weighed a tonne. A thick, fuzzy feeling of contentment washed over him. There was no need to move. He had nowhere to go... Opening his eyes with a start, he caught himself drifting to sleep. She pressed up to his side, laying her arm across his chest. Reaching up he swept his hand over her shoulder and brushed her cheek, but she showed no signs of awareness. He smiled. _Yeah. Good idea, _he thought, letting his hand drop to the mattress. _Goodnight._


	23. Chapter 23 Contemplation

_"This is Major Tom to Ground Control_

_I'm stepping through the door_

_And I'm floating in a most peculiar way_

_And the stars look very different today"_

_- David Bowie - "Space Oddity"_

Bailie cut into the meat on her plate and began her habitual task of arranging the pieces of food by size into different piles. Spearing the first piece of meat she brought it to her mouth and chewed slowly. There had been no news from the Illusive Man for the past three days - she suspected this was deliberate. _He's giving me time to calm down,_ she thought, reaching for her cup of tea. _He expects that I'll just be a good sport and put this whole unfortunate business behind me after a few days and 'understand' his reasons for potentially pissing our lives away. _The metal mug shook in her hands, her knuckles white as she clenched it. She saw him in her mind's eye, sitting as usual in his glass office in a clean suit, a cigarette hanging between his fingers and a smug grin across his face as he looked out at a nearby star.

There had been a time when she had tried to like the Illusive Man. After all, he _had _hemhorraged nearly enough funds to colonize a small planet to bring her back from death, so she'd tried to see things from his perspective. _There's no greater joy I get out of life than understanding people, but there's something wrong with that man. Something I can't put my finger on._ There was no doubt in her mind that he was hiding information. _He hasn't even had the balls to talk with me in person yet._ Several days ago she'd stood in the briefing room, not ten minutes after rushing onboard after the _Normandy_ dropped out of FTL flight. Forced to listen to him sputter excuses and try to placate her through his hologram, she half expected him to burst apart at the seams and spill maggots everywhere. The man was certainly foul enough. Her eyes smouldered with loathing and her lips flattened as she pictured him reaching over and tapping his ashes into a little tray. He was perfectly content to sit back in his secret location and play her like a card.

Movement caught her eye snapping her out of her daydreams. She looked around to see crew members milling about and from across the room she saw Garrus lower his head in her direction. Bailie gave him a brief wave before picking up her fork again. _You know, this is actually pretty decent,_ she thought, putting all thoughts of the Illusive Man to the side for the moment. _It even tastes sort of like Salisbury steak._ Directing her attention to Garrus, she watched him stride away from Gardner's counter, a tray in one hand and a mug in the other, his deliberate movements bringing to mind a late night docu-vid on leopards . She continued to watch, her interest piqued. _He is rather like a big cat._ Garrus' mandibles twitched as he scanned for a seat. He finally took one next to Tali, and Bailie returned to her food, piling green beans together.

A few minutes later she watched as Grunt lumbered into the room, his entrance largely ignored. _Even he's come into his own,_ she thought, remembering the crew's skittish behaviour when he had first been brought onboard. Now, she sat sipping a blend of tea - apricot or peach she surmised - she couldn't tell which - and observed him exchange greetings with Miranda, who also had come out for air.

"Nice day, Lawson," he said.

"There isn't any weather in space, Grunt," Miranda replied. Grunt shrugged.

"I know that. But you humans always talk about weather when you meet." He shifted his feet in a manner that Bailie would have considered nervous in a human and she smiled to herself.

_Poor Grunt. I get the impression he doesn't talk to anyone other than me very much._ Krogan faces were difficult to read and Grunt's rigid, almost lizard-like features were no exception as he turned away from Miranda to collect his food, evidently having given up on conversation. Throwing his head back he tipped the contents into his open mouth, then wiped his hand across his face and deposited the empty dish back on the counter. Gardner's brows came together in an expression of displeasure and Bailie smiled to herself, shaking her head. Just as quickly as he had come he turned to leave. He stopped in front of her table on his way out.

"Shepard," he said, and stopped, looking down at her. Standing still wasn't something Bailie was accustomed to seeing him do and she came to the conclusion he must be waiting for something.

"Waiting for my permission to move on? You're a lot more observant of krogan tradition than you were before, Grunt," she said. He said nothing in response, remaining a stony wall of muscle."You don't need to ask permission to leave my eyesight every time. Come and go as you like." Bailie smiled politely and returned to her tea, pulling up a news ticker on her Omni-Tool. He gave a non-threatening rumble of assent and he headed towards the exit..

After a few minutes of skimming through Citadel news articles, her finger stopped abruptly on a headline that caught her eye.

_'Second Human to Join Spectre Ranks.'_

_ 'Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko of the Alliance military will become the second human to join the ranks of the Citadel's Special Tactics and Reconnaissance branch. His selection comes less than three years after the inauguration of the first human Spectre, Commander Bailie Shepard, in 2183 and less than thirty years after first contact with humans, Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko's appointment represents another victory for human expansion. Not all are pleased with the developments however. Din Korlack, the Volus ambassador on the Citadel, had this to say about Commander Alenko's induction...'_

Bailie paused the feed and sat back to digest the information.

_Kaidan? A Spectre?_ Her chest grew warm and tight with pride. _Kaidan is smart, resourceful, and has a good moral compass. I can't think of anybody better for the job. _Scrolling to the bottom of the article, she found a video interview in which he accepted the position and began to watch it only to be interrupted by a musical chime in her ear. _Ah. Reports time again._ She bookmarked it for later and stood up from her table, her boots clicking on the floor as she headed for her quarters. _So much to do._

Papers and datapads covered her desk. With a sweeping movement of her hand, she brushed them into a haphazard pile and sat down at her computer, opening the first of many documents. Signing off on department heads' reports was her least favourite duty as it often meant she would be sitting in her chair for what seemed like forever, her tea sitting forgotten and gradually getting colder at her side. Despite her best efforts at trying to keep the papers in order, there were so many that they loomed over the keyboard, threatening to spill over at any moment.

At the top of her screen, filed under 'personal', an icon began blinking. Bailie paused as she scanned over the subject header. _An e-mail from Dad?_

_ Subject: Bad News_

_From: Shepard, Thomas - [shepard.t][.mil]_

_Bailie,_

_ Your mother forwarded me this address. I'm sure whatever you're doing is classified and you're unable to respond. I've been allowed some leave to attend to your grandfather, who had been doing fine up until a few days ago. He went into the hospital complaining of pain in his legs. A few hours later his condition went critical and he passed away suddenly last night. Doctors suspect a tumour. I know you won't be able to attend the funeral, but I thought you ought to know. I spoke to him a few days before he died and we talked about you. He always believed in you, Bailie. He loved you very much and had no doubt you could succeed at whatever you put your mind to. I'm spending as much time as I can with your grandmother before the Einstein has to leave Earth. Your mother and I love you, kiddo._

She groped around the desk for her mug and made a face as the tea, now cold, touched her lips. The seat creaked as she leaned back rubbing at the short fuzz on her head and trying to digest the news. Memories came to her like a torrent. She was a child again, looking up at Granddad who stood leaning on a fence, watching her feed his sheep fresh grass and armfuls of morning glory vines gathered from around the acres of green farmland. Cicadas buzzed in the summer air. _I must've been what, seven when we left for the colonies?_ Staring at the keyboard, her eyes misted over recalling the few times her family had taken the expensive ticket back to Earth to visit her grandparents. As a teenager she'd even lived on the farm for six months before registering with the Alliance the minute she came of age. _That was the longest span of time I've ever spent in one place, save for aboard the Normandy. Out of all the ships, all the colonies I've been on with my parents, that little farm was the closest thing I had to a real home. _Her mind's eye saw them on the day she left for the Alliance as they waved, receding into the distance.

_Dead?_ For some reason she found herself struggling with the thought although she'd personally put countless mercenaries and other ne'er-do-wells in the ground and what was more, was very good at it. _I actually __enjoy__ it at times, too,_ she thought, closing her eyes in shame. The truth was she just didn't know how to _feel_ about death. After all, doling it out was her job, and its cold specter had been hovering on the doorstep since childhood. Death was tied to both her parents' lives as it was to her own; military careers were common in her family. The chair rolled noisily across the floor and Bailie stood up, dissatisfied with her numbness and wanting only to lie down. _I just need to sleep._

/

Joker stared into the mirror. _No. It still doesn't sound right. _Frowning, he pushed away from his reflection staring instead at the electric clippers hanging by the sink. "Bailie," he said, addressing his reflection. He cleared his throat. "Fuck, I don't know how to say this. This is stupid." Heat crept up the back of his neck as he tried again, gesturing as if she were standing before him. "So I know you gave me a shot recently and I need to say..." Joker's hands dropped in frustration. _Why isn't this easier? Why is this so hard? I'm tripping over my own words. Forget it. This was a stupid idea._

"EDI," he said, looking in the general direction of her console.

"Yes, Jeff?"

"How long?"

"Eighteen hours until you will be required to assume the helm." He leaned against the wall groaning with frustration. "Approximately sixty-six percent of the entertainment visual media contained within my databanks, and seventy percent of written entertainment media contains at least one scene in which a character confesses his or her feelings for another."

"So?"

"So, given your apparent predicament, you may wish to do some research. If you are having trouble expressing yourself verbally, perhaps writing a letter would work better than an assertive statement."

"No."

"It may be of some comfort to know that you are behaving within expected parameters." Joker turned to look at the console.

"What?" He asked, his brows coming together in confusion.

"I am attempting to be reassuring, Jeff." EDI explained. "Based upon my data collection, your reactions are typical of humans experiencing similar emotional states." EDI's hologram flickered slightly in the harsh fluorescent lights. Joker smiled, shaking his head. _I gotta get my mind off this._

"Right. What's for dinner?"

"I will inquire."


End file.
